sandcastles and windows.

so the wifey said something which made me a little sad. 'i want us all to stay together.' well, that shouldn't be sad but at present it makes me sigh that circumstances are tricky. yes we can easily buy a place together, but to put all four of us under a roof would require some upheaval in their lives. ideally they could stay with us during school terms and alternate weekends with their dad, but that would mean them commuting quite a way off. once they're in jc/uni i suppose things could change. they could stay in a hostel or choose to stay with either parents but we'd leave a lot to them.

as for present space constraints, i'd really like to work out a more optimal arrangement. before we met, i had a simple plan. to live where i am, retire and possible sell/rent the place while i travel the world. the kids would work, they could stay here with me and have the place all to themselves. i'd leave that as their inheritance anyway.

for now, we'd like to build a new life which includes them. a bigger place, each with their own rooms, even big enough for the wifey to potter in her big kitchen while i have a little study space for my music n gaming. it's all very possible. lexi lounging in the breezy balcony and a part-time maid to sort out the cleaning. it's very possible. the only limit is our imagination. and it will happen. because it is a life of love and laughter, no different from the present, only with more space haha.
so i mulched around with the idea of a combined jumbo flat, within budgetory constraints of <$900k. in this day and age, that's a luxury we can work towards. short of emigrating to a third world country.
i looked at this space and it seemed liveable. just a sample of what may be. 5 bedrooms, 4 WCs. no one ever has to wrestle for poop time... 2 kitchens haha one probably just a kitchenette, while the other living room transformed into baby's mega kitchen worthy of iron chefs.

ah well, to sleep perchance to dream and in that sleep of death what dreams may come. ok, i rephrase, in that sleep of divine promises what dreams may come!

the importance of being earnestly random

so these days to put work hours to productive use, i've been trawling random sites on wedding venues which must meet two main criteria:
ambience
price

i mean we're working on an intimate guest list but we don't want to drive ourselves to financial ruin. so that said i'm also not splitting hairs about where it is unless it is located in some reclaimed part of our island. i always believe in gut and intuition so i told the wifey im just gonna let things fall right there when you're not looking and strangely i am clearing spam when i notice not a typical group-on but a flyer for food reviewed restaurants n clicking here brought me to a really purty colonial bungalow in the heart of country. it's restored obviously but i'm liking the location if only because it is off the beaten track but suitably accessible and yet away from the pretentious elements of dempsey/orchard/newly found faux vintage restaurants with overpriced menu.





this place looks promising if only because they try to retain some local character with that added angle of an art gallery, not the pseudo farty displays but fused with renowned as well as our own painters' with modern/classic offerings. will def KIV and recce for brunch soon.

i will leave this space for more promising venues. that's me job. she will take care of the pretty tings.starting with her gown and our bands. i'm thinking a simple non-sparkly matt kind so her infinity band will look awesome beside.
  

trust in the Lord with all your heart...

and lean not on your own understanding.
 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
 (Proverbs 3:5)

Growing up, this has always provided solace in any stressful situation from exams to that medical procedure. it's timeless and still applies till this day, namely the stuff which seems larger than it warrants in anxiety.

These days things have more or less settled in its comfortable routines, honed to its predictable cycles, and as a couple, fine-tuned to our little quirks and idiosyncracies. we're really in a good place, having worked almost a year at making the best of our time to function not as two people but include the other roles of daughter, mother, friend.

We've come a long way with her mother and our kids, made new friendships with our different circles of family and friends, adapted our schedules to find couple-time in all that, and planning vacations ahead while scouting for wedding venues. we've been blessed with a mutual acquaintance who happens to be gay and a pastor so that sorts out the officiating and formalising of the commitment ceremony. till dec we will look for that one perfect dress (i told her i'd accessorize quite happily in a decent jacket top haha) and our wedding bands. the honeymoon will come after our hokkaido trip but as far as i see it, we can have a honeymoon any day.

Financially it will be a stretch, but that's when that verse lulls again, reminding me not to sweat the stuff He already has promised, as a dad would because he wants you to be happy. because He brought you two together purposefully, to let something we have grow into a union which blesses not just ourselves, but the ones who surround our lives. Surely that is something which will be blessed abundantly and more?

---

her mother's loveletters, with emphasis on love (and sweat and third degree burns)




watching the chemistry of mother and daughter was heart-warming and inspiring for self to maintain that bond with own kids

boundaries.

so the problem with fb is that it tracks and publishes what you read, like this morning i realise jil has liked some lame 9gag cartoon which bordered on porn, well more a suggestion of it but it made me a lil uncomfortable knowing she knows a finger-fuck, in a car no less.


i think about this for awhile and i reach a conundrum -- to be a child, parent or an adult? well, being a child would be easiest considering i'd probably high-five her, but eventually the adult came up winning. i mean in this day and age it's near impossible to prohibit them from the liberal access to anything from porn to violence to even racially-sensitive material. it's like a cornucopia of visual excess. and besides, i can't be hypocritically prudish given i wasn't a saint in my day.

i just wish i could be there when they have these questions, break everything down to what is non/sense and hopefully they'd have the discretion to see the forest for the trees. i just want their curiosity to lead to a reasonable discovery of self and how they function in their larger society, that they can discern what is inappropriate and offensive, that they know when to reject the mindless temptations or even if they succumb to them, learn to be stronger against them. i can't immunise them but i hope some guidance will be in order.

sigh.i know this is futile maternal meanderings but i instinctively want to shield my little girls even if it hinders their emotional development. it is a fine line, i'll admit, and i'm still learning. i guess i wasn't the liberal mom as i'd like to believe coz somewhere behind the facade is my closet frump haha

signs and wanderlust

well i've been toying with the idea of a month-long sabbatical, perhaps trundle the nepalese landscape, centering myself with nature. this hits me most when i feel under-challenged at work. but i guess there's always a divine plan beyond me to wait when timing is more capital.

i walked into the principal's office today to ask a favour for my niece in case she doesn't get the college of choice because her folks would much prefer our jc to the others. as always he was approachable and grounded, offering me advice and keeping it real. i looked at his eyes a little longer and i couldn't help but notice something faraway about it. after a year at the helm he must be facing the drone reality of this place. it tends to suck the marrow of your ideals because much as the folks here are agreeable, they tend towards the banal and insipid. it takes little to amuse as much as rankle them so i think in short, he probably feels under-challenged if not inclined towards disenchantment. this is an individual who came this far from an inspiring vision of making the most of his talents and personality, but faced with sometimes rigid co-workers it tends to be regressive trying to implement his new ideas. he was fresh and now he seems jaded. he is facing an institution built on almost 30 years of parochial if not provincial values.

so i thought perhaps there are other channels i could put my own ideals to work, namely to stretch the imagination of this new cohort before me, rankle their mindset with both suprise and challenge. this isn't anything new except this time i will truly knock them off their equilibrium and entitled attitudes about what they think they know. listening to the kinds of questions they and their parents fielded today also made me realise that change is necessary. i will not let them perpetuate in this manner, not on my time. they will be de-programmed from their demanding ways, learn jus that bit more about self-awareness and how the lack of affects their environment and basically re-learn that growing up isn't just about age but a decent moral center.

i've seen 7 years of students through this college and half of them could really use a swift kick in the butt because they've never really emerged from their self-absorption. this shall be the sole mission for the year, starting with some basic etiquette. surely that shouldn't be too ambitious?

renew, review

so it's been a fulfilling week ending with some couple-time long overdue since the school hols.
we contributed our part to the education system over the weekend when we allowed a group of ngee ann poly media students, one ex-ajcian whom i didn't even teach, to film us for their final year documentary on lesbian coupling, us representing the older demographic read, stable, family, dual income/housing. i hope they ace it. they should given finding such a rare combi should be part of grade haha. this definitely gave them more fodder for their research with a wider range of questions other than what do you do as lesbians? standard replies from the younger generation, club, eat at overpriced places,sleep, get fat, stare down other couples at orchard, get drunk, dress in overt butch-femme combis looking strangely like a straight couple, drive ahbeng cars with auto shift hahaha okie i should stop, i may have thrown some of those stereotypes in my response so if you don't hear from me i've probably been cudgeled to death by some butches' over-inflated egos!

anyway they were a really sweet bunch, esp the only boy in the group who looked geeky but was such a confident guy. he certainly trumps some of our jc boys in his initiative and self-assured disposition, so wifey n i choped him for our 15yo haha yes lately i've been 'sub'consciously seeking ideal mates. i guess every mom wants to perpetuate a good gene pool and sensible bfs for our girls, wealth optional but ideal haha

then we trawled to mbs or as wifey likes to tease, a jaunt in town haha unlike our unusual heartland/indoor nua to catch Jersey Boys which was really pretty awesome more for pace and set co-ordination than acoustics. anyway they were freebs from my sister who actually thought it would make ideal gifts for our teen girls.what? then we spent the rest of the weekend with the poly kids filming at her place which was way more ideal in lighting and space. did some inane domestic scenes and it was a wrap. where they presented us with chox from cocoa trees and included a chew treat for lexi which led us to conclude that poly kids leave jc kids trailing in their maturity, foresight and discipline, never whining or taking their education for granted. i mean i have really lovely students but there will always be that share of ingrates who take their education and parents' hard-earned provisions for granted by complaining about every single thing they have to do in school. i'm like suck it the hell up. you hardly have to move your ass unlike these poly students who literally work under conditions of rain and heat. in the corporate world, it's clear where these two realms will match up, and i'd hire a poly kid over a jc one even if both have uni degrees because the former has so much more in character and work ethics, whereas the latter feels entitled just for sitting around reading, theorising but never really using both their brains and hands. even their CIP is a joke given jc kids do
it solely for their testimonials and hardly with sincerity.

that said, if our kids end up in either, i will ensure a fine balance in their soft skills. they would do well to keep up with the trends, do actual groundwork with companies during their hols and not sit around waiting for their allowances and splurging on things beyond their means. at least that much i know they'd never do because they might be the thriftiest kids this side of asia. -beams-

anyway what was fun about the entire shoot was in answering all the interview questions, we reflected on our year's relationship and why we were meant to be together. it was heartwarming and sentimental. and we feel so much deeper and surer on our future as a couple and parents. <333

so once the poly kids are done and graded, i'll keep my readers posted on the end-product. cheers and have a good week!

blessed to be a blessing

the first week of work has been nothing short of mindnumbing due to endless corporate speak to ad naseum dispensed at useless hours of discussions and workshops which we know when term begins will be long forgotten.

but what i went away with was the simple notion of my mantra for the year -- to not take myself nor anything too seriously. it makes the hours fly and the time less drone.

the other day i left my workmates in stitches with my irreverent portrayal of a student during an inane role-play session, so much so when pre-caffine at a seminar the next day they wondered why i was so sober at which i replied that i can't always be in performance mode.but i guess they appreciate me for who i am witholding judgement. and in that way my methods have served me well to be very much left alone to be who i am, namely the admin who probably thinks me too frivolous to be given any real responsibilities haha that's how one dodges the admin arrows.

and today despite being put in a workshop grouping with ikea-type co-workers, i made the best of it by initiating funny but pragmatic ideas, taking the mickey out of what everyone takes to seriously about mission statements and college values. i could see how they chuckled at my nonsense but also sought my professional validation for matters regarding concepts and linguistics, being one of the two english tutors in the group. then the leader also asked me personal questions about the kids after glancing at my phone wallpaper which went on to advice on raising and coping with work. that was the most valuable part of the day coz she looked genuinely intrigued by how i managed, having two young sons. all i could offer was to always stay happy with your choices and make the best of it. she was visibly inspired to press on while taking solace in my experiences which she marvelled as strong and 'amazing, you don't look 40smth' hahha ok that part i'm just reveling in for a bit given my dread of aunty inevitability.

so i'm going to continue like this, doing what i can to spread some cheer and dispense the mommy/experienced teacher advice (or ET as we mused today). because after all, this is part of paying it forward to my blessed existence, despite all challenging circumstances prior and ahead. my goal is to keep the eye on the prize, finish up, get the kids to hokkaido and splurge on them for the lovely and deserving beings they are. of course with that little spoiling of my wifey dearest.