i say a little prayer

so we were raised as cradle christians to say grace before gobbling our meals. and yesterday evening i understood it a little better having a home-cooked meal at her place. the meal as you can see was prepped with TLC and such attention to details, namely my fastidious dietary constraints.

as i relished the flavours of what was an apparently simple but probably complex meal to prepare, i said a little prayer in my heart of thanks. not just for what was wonderfully laid before my greedy little self, but the one who was sent to me to fill my heart and tum with such grace, mercy and love. she is indeed everything i've prayed for my entire life. she's my partner, lover, friend, sister, angel. sometimes these words just seem trite but i can only describe the deeply grounded sense of comfort and peace she embraces me with with a simple expression of mmmmmmmlllllllloooovvvvve.haha and yes she makes me feel all 12 again, in such a good good way.

and just like this, in a single moment i'm finally home

from the love of my life:

joelle and jillian, i promise to take care of your mommy and do everything i can to make her happy and safe. i promise to be there for her, for you when you need me, when mommy needs me. 

and mama, i want you to know that i am going to marry the most amazing woman besides you of course and with God's grace, we will live a blessed and fulfilling life together.

and darling, i promise to have, to hold, to love you with all my heart, all my strength and all my soul. be it good times, bad times and everything in between, i hope i can be your inspiration, your strength and your comfort. i will be your friend, your lover, your family and your wife. come what may, i will be by your side.

two simple words, I DO. and these two words fill my entire heart with nothing but love for you.

my kind of girl

so walking lex yesterday, this song came on the shuffle and trite as it may be, i found myself relating to its almost tacky lyrics well because when you're in love everything starts to make sense and meaning haha.

the point is, she is all that. like god made me wait 38 years to meet this wonderful soul fit perfectly for everything i searched for and need. she's like the big sister who takes care of my silly whims, cooks, holds, makes love like a considerate man, has the strength which would put any to shame for that matter, and yet amuses me with her femme ways, her quirks, her little vanities, her demure manner. i just see this precious construct of a total of everything i love in a person. it's mindblowing yet so simple i find myself breathless and calm at the same time. i can't describe it any other way.

and look how lexi takes to her.it's almost a given you know?


thank you mr man upstairs. you've done right. so very right.

helping the helpless

so WL told me today he's going to church, wants to convert and hopefully even his family. i was like, slow down.is he going to tell me next he's quitting his job and joining the ministry.haha i guess what threw me most was he said i was the main reason for this decision, having seen me live my struggles rather than just talk about them. ironic i said, given when i told him about my life i was really in a dark place about my faith, and therein lies the divine mystery and its twisted sense of humour.

then a student stops me on my way to having that much needed caffine n fag after an early class to lament about how the love of his life is leaving for studies abroad. in that moment i could only offer the standard cliche of love and distance being surmountable, how he's young and shouldn't commit to something so deep because they will change etc. i guess i've become rather cynical about young love.even if he convinced me that he's some old soul who's 17 going on 30, i could only think of that one person who said the very same thing about going the long haul with me if i were willing to wait. haha i was, she on the other hand, changed the plot and left me high and dry. so i wanted to dispense the same life experience so he could at least avert that certain heartbreak. told him,'sow you seeds, dahling, you're only a teen once' well for want of better metaphors, and better advice.

why are the youth getting older by the generations? i fear my kids will have their grandkids at 25

i really need to brush up on my chinese vocab

from baby:
夜深人静，抽着烟，想到亲爱的你正熟睡着的脸，心理不仅暖暖的。你可知道你是我生命中最重要的人？你是我的知己，我的爱人，我的家人。爱你仿佛是世上最自然的事。你对我的爱，付出和包容并非言语能形容的。对你的一切的一切，我都会试着去了解。虽然老土我还是要说，我爱你。除了爱你，还是爱你。

what i take from this is that she is such a genuine soul. i've been blessed with what i'd say is the easiest girl r/s in the past decade. her heart of gold moves and inspires, her faith in god grounds us to a certain posterity. i guess i'm finally grasping the value of what it means to have and to hold, till death. marriage may be over-rated, but i think we've already established that depth of loving, in any circumstance, without expectations.

sacrifice / guilt

today in class we discussed the notion of giving. do we give out of the purity of love or the easing of guilt? we looked at the main character and how she had given up the best years of her youth to take care of her father, regarding the motives of doing it out of unconditional love or a sense of duty.

this made me think about the human capacity to love. i told them that as a mother, we would love our children instinctively, such that sacrifice is a given. but the reverse may not always apply because children may not feel that innate depth of loving their parents, no matter how deeply the relationship is forged.

as for sacrificing for someone completely unrelated, it may take a whole dimension of love which can only be divinely endowed, because humanity is intuitively selfish and incapable of absolute sacrifice. often we perform our acts of love to alleviate the guilt of letting down our partners' expectations, and that is sadly a form of selfishness in itself. i guess the ultimate litmus test of unconditional love is how, as i suggested, when you throw yourself instinctively before a moving truck to save your partner from certain death. that sort of love is never considered but an inexplicable act of divine sacrifice.

haha the things we discuss. it's no wonder i come out of classes often drained.

everyday' a treat with you

thank you for making the hours feel like minutes. you stop everything from my heart to time =]

sometimes he comes in the clouds

These are the places I was so sure I'd find him 
I looked in the pages and I looked down on my knees 
I lifted my eyes in expectation 
To see the sun still refusing to shine, But 
CHORUS: 
Sometimes He comes in the clouds 
Sometimes His face can not be found 
Sometimes the sky is dark and gray 
But some things can only be known 
And sometimes our faith can only grow 
When we can't see 
So sometimes he comes in the clouds 
Sometimes I see me, a sailor out on the ocean 
So brave and so sure, as long as the skies are clear 
But when the clouds to gather 
I watch my faith turn to fear, But... 
CHORUS 
BRIDGE: 
Sometimes he comes in the rain 
And we question the pain 
And wonder why God can seem so far away 
But time will show us, he was right there with us, and 
CHORUS

time's irrelevant

it never fails to amaze me how time works. a year ago i asked god in a complete state of cynical resignation, what his plan was. i had more or less given up on the notion of true love, seeing how every attempt to commit to one often proved futile.

it's been something like a month since i acknowledged how she has turned all this despair around. from one day to the next she transformed an empty shell and filled it with so much truth, light and love. and all this she did by being nothing but herself. 

i embrace everything about her -- her simple way of appreciating everything from domestic pleasures to the  mysteries of haute coutre, her artless joy in the companionship of friends and family, her amazing pan-global accomplishments which she represents in humbling narratives, the way she endures every physical and emotional suffering with nary a whinge, save the occasional manja cry, and mostly how she simply accepts who i am, for what i have and will become. or as i once said, i really like who i am when i'm with her, and it hasn't happened for such a long time. and i'd be lying if i didn't also acknowledge that complete packaging of heart-stopping gorgeousness which she tosses as business as usual. that's the sort of beauty i find myself smiling furtively, short of telling her, damn girl. you've no idea.

i guess i'm incoherent at this point because that's what it all is. what we have. it's sometimes impossible to put in words. often i can only smile and utter a deep primal 'mmmmmmm' when anyone asks. and that's all i need really. a child-like regard for what i see as the purest soul in the universe.

this is what it's like when an angel speaks

亲爱的， 真的没想过有一天我两会相爱 。缘分就是这么奇妙吧？对我来说你是上天赐我最美的礼物。你的真，你的好，你的每一个笑容，你对我的每一次的包容，你的每一分爱都深深的感动了我。

和你在一起的时候，天的蓝不知道为什么总是清澈的，人群的嘈杂都没关系，一切的事物都无所谓。从来都不曾想过有一天我会遇到这样的一个你。在夜深人静时，我会感受到你的呼吸，你的心跳， 你的种种都会历历在目。

我并非完人，我的变扭，我的怪脾气，我的种种， 你都不假思索的接受了。除了谢谢 我还是谢谢。因为你让我体会到什么是包容和爱一个你所爱的人。也许我俩都经历了太多 太多了，所以遇上了，才懂得珍惜。

你让我认识了什么是单纯的幸福，你紧紧的扣住了我的心玄，爱，就是那么简单。是的，就那么简单。


translation:
Dearest, never thought we’d one day fall in love. Guess fate is wonderful that way? You are the most beautiful gift God has given me. You being real, your every smile, your acceptance and embracing me as me every time, your love has touched me to the core. When I am with you the sky seems just so blue and clear, crowds and chaos doesn’t matter, nothing else matters. Never thought I’d meet someone like you. When it’s quiet at night, I’d feel your breathing, hear your heart beat, everything about you seems to be so near. I am not perfect but you accepted my idiosyncrasies, my weird temper, everything about me with nary a thought. I can’t think of anything else to say but thank you. Because you showed me what is accepting and loving the person you love. Perhaps we both have gone through too much that’s why when we meet THE person, we instinctively know how to treasure how special this is. You showed me what is simple happiness and my heart is firmly held in yours. Love is just that simple, yes, just that simple.

fragility

rip whitney. you were a tortured soul,but your voice was inspired and true.

i recall how this song uplifted me one dark evening in 2011. it remains one of the most played songs in my pod.

horny haiku

candy in all forms
eye- arm- lipbalm musk softness
deep long aching throb


----
don't we make a lovely couple?


and crossed vs amused hahah juxtaposition rocks

sum of all parts

so last night while lying in her arms, i marvelled at how just a year ago i questioned the existence of one's significant other. i had become so cynical after cycles of heartbreaks and disenchanted causes.

then this image like a to-do list appeared mentally, almost like the old-school notebook with 555 on the cover bookies favour haha. i saw all the names of my ex-s in chronology and now i'm looking at her and thinking, is there such a thing as trial and error and final product, like the mattresses you've tried and thrown because they turned out ill-fitting or treacherous? or perhaps it's just the good stuff you took away from each which you cognitively turned into ideal finality?

so i recalled falling for something i searched for in each -- their grounded domesticity, their child-like demeanor and feminine comfort, the security of being myself or the artless devotion matched with admirable stature. and if we could just snip off every one of these traits from each person, stitch them into a tapestry, it'd form that perfect comforter, or buckwheat mattress, which warms and cools in a single breath, taking on your form, embracing your quirks in a complete and correct fit. yes i'm sucha aunty they should make me an honorary member of spotlight hehe

natural.

today at a seminar i pointed out the obvious that every literary text i've ever read features misery at some point. which may explain the prolific writing through time because humanity thrives on its inability to be inspired by joy.even if joy is presented, it is a result of transcending suffering or adversity. haha the proverbial human condition indeed.

i suppose it's so much easier to whine than it is to express joy because the latter stems from something so indefinable and surreal. it moves, tickles, and sometimes all you can do is grin and sigh. but words can never seem to capture that moment with justice. it's what they call the joy of the lord which is pure and elemental.see even as i try to put in words it's all coming out somewhat trite.

these days i float around in a suspended state of calm. not the sort which i will and chant, 'go to a happy place.' it just is. almost like i've been reborn into this child again, embracing every sensation and moment like a new discovery. my senses are no longer numb or indifferent, but it thirsts for that wonderful scent of you, the warmth of your long loving arms, that tired but loving voice at the end of the line, the taste of your raw sexuality and all of that framed so naturally into a form so perfect that i don't want  you to change a thing. coz you're all that, darling.

familiarly new

today i walked the pooch on the usual route which has become so familiar we could both do it with our eyes closed. but somehow my senses were heightened. everything smelt amazing, every leaf seemed to exude a comforting scent.

i guess that's what they mean by everything smelling sweeter when your heart's alive again.
and that pretty much sums out how things are these days. i'm not merely existing, but living.
and i have a beautiful soul to thank for it.

raw

there's nothing quite so natural than the curves of a woman and how it wraps around your own, like a perfect puzzle piece, just the sound of your souls breathing in a wonderful orchestra of serenity. at that moment love is simplified to complete clarity, not mere emotional need.

and at that surreal moment there is something magical which can only be explained by 'a divinity which shapes our ends.'