wherever the wind blows doesn't really matter to me

so i've resolved that by 2016 i will definitely be doing something else but my present circumstances. jo will be 19 heading to uni, jil at the cusp of jc. who needs supervision at that age? not them for sure. in any case their other parents could easily handle that part of their lives.

at work i will have done 10 years at this jc. i'm really facing a certain ennui and uninspired mundane routines.
my form class is almost perfect in conduct and values. everyone talks about family and its importance. they have droll interests ranging from cosplay to akido, assorted neuroses like 'demophobia' (dear of large crowds) to ocd with annoying noises (he talked about chewing and scratchy things which can send him off the handle). interesting. yet banal. i can't quite put a finger on. they are mostly polite and rather earnest lot, willing to help, eager to learn. i'm not even complaining here. it's just that something in me feels numb to all this.

perhaps it's linked to my evolving role as mother, too. i suddenly feel unhinged by what i thought was a clear and present situation. i'm merely a wallet or driver, which isn't any different from before, except i feel like they are strangers to me. i'm sure it's a phase but for now it makes me feel a little less excited about family time to be honest. we sit beside each other and really have nothing to say, even with our bodies, our shared humour, our observations about life, our common philosophies. i feel disenfranchised. fancy word. couldn't think of anything more succinct.

then i remember how i felt centered very much in 2011. i achieved a certain harmonious calm just from denying myself of any wants or needs. it helped me not feel restless. i could just focus on the end-light of my days and feel somewhat comforted by its finality and certainty. so absolute and sure. unlike my self-doubt looming these days. not all the time, but that intermittent shroud of why and what i am doing.

ok. faith is about relenting logic, suspending sense. i know that's the best i can do given the present circumstances. i float in meaningless ennui only because everything lacks purpose. i have a future of good things with the wifey and we can plan around so many things to keep the focus forward. till then it's really just that abstract solution of wait. i can do that. i can also detach rather well from the here and now. and that's all i have to go with until whenever.

'If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.' -- Wayne Dyer

so my school principal informed us that a huge number of students have opted for poly, leaving a class with only 12 kids so he decided to 'close' the class and distribute them to other arts classes.

this only means two things to my self-interest:
1. my lit students have plunged
2. form class may expand from it's already full 24

sigh. and 3. i may inevitably teach GP due to shortfall of Lit kids...

ok. so what has this to do with the above title?
well, it made me really think about what's keeping me here then

besides the wonderful colleagues and decent hours and proximity to home, the job after nearly 7 years has lost it's appeal. i used to bounce off to work with a certain spring to my step, looking forward to a mentally challenging day, feeling inspired to inspire.

these days it's really routine and awaiting pay-day and planning around the term how to get away, to reward myself with whatever windfall surprises me, and mostly counting down to vacation days, public holiday hiatus. it's a meaningless existence, with the occasional perk of  good class time, amusing (mildly) anecdote from a workmate, a good bowl of lor mee, an acknowledgement of approval, a baked good treat from a neighbour. then the rest of the day it's time-killing, pretend work, real admin nuisance, clock-watching, daydreaming.

i'm about 15years to real retirement and it seems endless. perhaps that change is at hand. that real huge significant shift which will see me in another land, a novel experience, a new day.


a Hokkaido sunrise

could be worse

turning point

these days i awake and find myself not missing the kids. there i said it.

i miss who they used to be, their artlessness. that genuine appreciation for life.

i suppose it comes with the territory of growing up.
i'm sure somewhere in the core of their souls they are very much the angel grubs i cherished more than life itself. it's a phase perhaps. but i feel estranged to who they are right now, as they grapple with their own assorted concerns and identities.

make no mistake. the maternal love remains. it's impossible to divorce your kids. so like a bout of viral flu i will sit this one through. leaving it to a divine will to bring them back to who they've always been while their externalities distract and distress.

when i spend time with my own form class consisting of 17 girls and 7 boys, i'm reminded once again what this age is like. they will rebel, they will break your heart, they will make all the mistakes you made as a kid. they will come back to themselves, and god willing, you.

i do.

how can i not want to spend the rest of our lives together when

• we can laugh about anything from excrement to high-brow parodies on shared experiences?
• you always think about the things i love to eat and go make them?
• you've done everything you possibly can to fix my family?
• and me?  

<33333

live the moment as a gift because it is the present

at the risk of that cliche i  still affirm that much in its adage of truth. we don't see how things change until we have something to hold it up against.

at this very moment as the bracing wind blows through the window, i recall how in 2011, that was a chilling wind which provided no solace but added to an anger and discomfort in my bones. she had come over, we were in much disarray, at that very crossroad of painful but necessary choices. she held me sobbing and said, i love you but we can't be together. that haunting sentence flatlined my heart and i recall after she left i walked her halfway and then turned into the blank evening completely dumbfounded, purchasing two packs of ciggies n chainsmoking till dawn lying flat on the cold floor of my bedroom, in a daze, while we texted empty platitudes and cliches on how it felt like the coldest day on earth.

at this very moment in 2012 i recall how baby and i walked that cold evening with kat down scotts road in search of grub and ended at the maccies where she spoke wearing her heart completely on her sleeves, disclosing painful memories of her heartbreaks, her sincerity and forgiveness, she wasn't that shallow person i thought she was. she gave me a farewell hug which felt strangely familiar, like home. i copped a feel. it was possibly from the moment, my hormones, or a deep place of loneliness.  all i knew was that strange flashforward. an intuitive feeling that this could be us. holding like this in the near future. it wasn't wishful thinking because i was never planning to stay in this country. i didn't think i would for anyone at least.

this evening at this very moment in 2013, we've traversed much in our personal journeys alone, as a couple, as a family. she's mellowed, become more at peace with her spiritual walk, adapted to me as a partner, embraced all the challenges of my circumstances. we feel a closeness which transcends time, one held by divine affirmation, a loyalty and trust i instantly turn to when the flux of everything seems insurmountable. as we embraced on this chilly evening once again, my heart races and then slows into a pace of harmonious calm. the kind you feel returning home, safe and secure. she is my elm, and my shrubs are naturally in her shelter too.

in a span of three years, i can see how that divinity shapes our ends. it makes me sigh with a deeper understanding of my existence, and it makes me smile with a clarity of things to come.

 

I love you, Gordon Wood

spring cleaning

so while the rest of the country ere cleaning out their abode, i was sorting out the emotional cobwebs with my kids. yep teen angst is upon us again, add deceit and resentment and we have a house on fire.and i suppose. and  like spring cleaning this catharsis is imperative once a year.

it started with a small incident regarding school which escalated to a five year review of my family life, my coming out, my negligence and as in every drama an antagonist to throw that spanner in the works.

the good which came out was clarity and confirmation. as for baby she stood by me, even her own mommy was so supportive. i just want to move forward from here and let time heal whatever has been broken.

baby wrote a whole email to help sort things out. i am moved to say the least. no one has ever in my life stood up for me this way before. <333

Axe Gal <axegal@gmail.com>

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Fwd: when all's well 1 message

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Janey Ngow <jan.ngow@gmail.com>	Sat, Feb 9, 2013 at 9:05 PM
To: Axe Gal <axegal@gmail.com>
---------- Forwarded message ---------- From: Janey Ngow <jan.ngow@gmail.com> Date: 9 February 2013 20:39 Subject: when all's well To: Joelle Chang <joellechang@gmail.com> Joelle and Jillian, This is the first letter I am writing to both of you. First, I want to thank you for accepting me into your lives, I appreciate that you have taken time to learn about me in your respective ways. I have pondered on how to pen this but I have decided to just tell you as honestly and as sincerely as I can. Please know that I am not lecturing, not judging or censuring you. If you have noticed during the times that we have spent together, you’d notice that I am what you’d call ‘what you see is what you get’. I don’t do fake very well. I am writing this because you two and mummy are my family. And a family does not have secrets, nurse grudges or bear secret hurts. Being family means a bond that can never be broken. So take some time to read this letter. If you do not feel it’s worth a read you can toss it or just take it that I am just blabbering but do give it a read and place everything that I have said in your heart and conscience. If then you still feel that it’s a crock of shit, then really erase it from your memory. Today I want to talk to you about a person. She is your mom Vivian Loh Ai Ming. To you, she is somebody you call mummy. Have you in your respective 15 and 13 years considered the significance behind this word? She is a daughter, once someone’s wife, a mother, a teacher and mentor and most of all she is an individual. But when she became a mother, she gave up being an individual and placed your needs before hers, I am not putting her on a pedestal because that’s what mothers do. So in keeping with my blunt or as my friends would describe as very honest nature, I want to address this with you Jo – about being gay.  You felt that when mummy came out to you years back you couldn’t handle it because you were too young. Yesterday you asked mummy why didn’t she tell you guys she was poor instead of telling you that she was gay? So now I ask you now that you are all of 15 years old – what is the difference?  Her being poor or gay changed the fact that she still cared, took care and loved you? Nobody chooses to be gay and I do not care who says poisonous and ill informed things. Being gay is not a lifestyle. It’s is not a fashion fad. I could lay all the psychology and sociology findings for you that being gay is not something you wake up and decide to ‘be’. But we are beyond that, I am sure in this age of technology you are more than capable of searching for all relevant literature on this. And honestly as a Sociology graduate, there’s no such thing as being gay or straight, right or wrong because everything is relative in what you are conditioned to believe. And sadly mainstream population has been taught that being straight is the right way to be. What if everyone started with the notion that being gay is the norm? Then what, but I digress. What I want to tell you is that mommy is a person in her own right too, she struggled with herself, thought long and hard of the consequences and everything that you can’t even imagine. You may feel that her coming out to you damaged you emotionally somewhat back then but I want to let you know that she was doing the best that she could. There is no such instruction in the motherhood guidebook how to broach such topics with one’s children. In fact, there’s no such guidebook even for life. You do the best you can. So in such a situation, does mummy deserve to be herself? After coming to terms with herself, knowing the road ahead would be less than easy with so many people judging her and societal pressure, does she deserve to be brave and take on a life which she can finally be comfortable in her own skin and acknowledge the person within that is her? What if Jo one day you are told that you are no longer allowed to be creative, not allowed to be an artist, not allowed to draw, do crafts, take pictures and Jill, you are not allowed to be verbose, you are not allowed to be useful, lead and be outstanding, basically just be a someone you do not feel comfortable being. Basically asking the two of you to give up being yourself, please be truthful and tell me that’ll be the easiest decision you’d ever make and be happy making it. At the cusp of 40, I cannot tell you that I know everything but I have gone through a lot in life to be able to see things on a very much broader perspective and deeper level. I could have died years ago but I didn’t and through the grace of God, I have learnt many things that touched the core of me, which is why I am grateful for all that I have gone through. I don’t know what kind of person you think she is but to me, Vivian Loh Ai Ming is a remarkable woman. What I say below and I am not even scratching the surface is why I think she is remarkable. On 15 December 1997, while pregnant with you, her water broke at 12 and she was alone because your dad had to travel for work. Gong gong and mama had to rush her to the hospital where she had to endure excruciating contractions for 48 hours before giving birth to you, Jo. Let me put it down for the record that this is not a guilt trip for anyone. I am recounting because it needs to be said. She is alone, in pain and most of all scared and worried about delivering you healthily because you were so premature. Do you know why you are named Joelle? It’s because it means you are her miracle, you are a child of God. When I listen to her recount how the doctors did tests on your tiny baby body, I could feel her heartache. Because she is your mother, she feels pain when you feel pain. By God’s grace you were kept safe. Jillian, when you said mummy has not cared for the past five years, why should she start now? So I put it to you, how has she not cared, not only in the past five years? At 13 I believe your memory should still be very good. Did mummy provide a fun and happy environment when you were growing up? Did she not ensure that you guys had enough to eat even when she was trying to get life back in order, earning more money, taking on tuition? She may not have been a conventional housewifey kind of mother fussing and all, but let me assure you that it’s no mean feat to take care of children while having to work and also providing them a safe, healthy and happy home. I saw how she keeps your photos, videos, crafts and more. Why does she do it? Because she was bored? Why did she quit her job and stay home to raise you and Jo? Because she believes that she couldn’t give you all the attention you both deserve if she held down her job. Your dad travelled a lot for work and some times long periods too. Can you begin to fathom how tough it is on mummy emotionally and mentally to be raising two children practically on her own? But she relished the time spent with you, recording every precious moment in her heart but you were too young to recall and I know for a fact that she’d still make the decision to stay home and give you the best she can if she had to choose it all over again. Mummy doesn’t need me to defend her because there’s nothing to defend. I am saying this with respect to the supposedly letter(s) she wrote to your stepmother about asking her to be your mom which essentially means relinquishing you both to her. I wish you both can hear my incredulity screaming from my keyboard right now. Try slicing flesh off mummy’s body. That’s what means to give you up. Do you know what hurts mummy so deeply? It’s not the fact that another fed you such untruths. It’s the fact that you believed such a thing. A mother will die to keep her children. I know that because I have experience it first hand. My mom held on to me when I tried to escape from the hospital and I pushed her down on the road with cars zooming past. But that’s another story. For the first and the last time I am telling you, mummy has never written any such letters and has never entertained such thoughts. It was never mummy’s wish that you move out of the Ang Mo Kio home. It was because of practicality not so that you do not need to drag yourselves out of bed at an unearthly hour to school. If you think that nobody understands how it feels to be living with a person who is constantly negative and makes you feel bad for being happy thus you are afraid to bring our gifts home, mention mommy and me or this side of life, let me tell you we understand. Why? Because we are experiencing the manifestation of that kind of repression of happiness from that person first hand. Because we can see how torn and conflicted you both are, we are not insensitive to everything. It pains mummy and myself to see you guys like that so we understand. 100%. As parents, it’s our wish (at least most parents) to see our children healthy, happy and lead a life of their choice with integrity, dignity and love. Nothing more, nothing complicated. Nobody should be made to feel inferior, frightened, stressed and having to watch their actions and words in a family. I will not speculate what is said of mummy by some people but I believe in standing up for my own family, my own blood especially my mother. Let me be blunt with you, if someone were to bully my mom in any way, I will stand up for her. I am not saying this because I am all grown up and have ability to earn my own money. I will do the same if I were a wee bit small. You know why some people are bullies and continues to bully? Because nobody dares to stand up to them. Bullies are insecure people with who need to exert their authority and inflict fear to gain control. No child or person should be subjected to that because that is not right. That is a form of emotional abuse. Use some reasoning here, why should anyone bad mouth anyone? What is her objective? Why is she doing that? To make you unhappy? To create something that is not true? What is the objective of doing such things? I leave it up to you to observe and decide. Anyone who loves their children will not place them in such unpleasant situations, repeatedly. Just know that providing a place to stay doesn’t grant people the right to treat others unjustly. I know you are worried that if anything happens, you will not be provided for in terms of your education and life. Let me just tell you here and now that mummy and I are more than capable of putting you through school till university. We know how much it takes to go through an entire cycle of education because we both went through it. Mummy probably has never told you both but I will – you may think we just see you on alternate weekends and then you are back to your routine of school and tuition and friends. You do not see her when she cries through the nights because she missed you both so much. When she questions herself if she’s done the right thing. Some times she misses you so much that she’d walk into your rooms and just sleep there. Do you know how she cried her heart out when you first moved out? Her exact words were “I felt like someone has ripped my heart out.” This is love. Mothers are human, they make mistakes too. So why should they be viewed more harshly than other people when they are the ones who love and forgive unconditionally? The world is not as simple or as complicated as one may think. But a heart can be. How we live our lives stem from the heart because it will show on the outside. If you choose to keep replaying the bad episodes in your life, you’d never move on to new experiences. We are all shaped by our thoughts, words and actions which is why people say put your thoughts into actions. So that’s the reason why some people say and act the way they do. Sincere and real people will always come back to a place where they see the kindness in others while bitter and angry people will eventually bring out destructive traits in people or themselves. It’s not astronaut science. Beneath her happy go lucky demeanor, carefree attitude and seemingly relaxed mothering, did you both at any time notice mummy is a highly respected teaching professional, a warm and kind person? She tries to not take everything so seriously because she has the life experience to be able to see the good in things and how to handle people and situations. This is how she balances the humdrum, pressures and if you will stress of life. Mummy knows that school already leave you guys no time for a lot of things so her funny ways and words are a breather for you. That doesn’t mean she is unstable or incapable of being serious or hurt. Give her some credit and respect. Also, when we buy things, go out, have treats for you guys we are not buying your love or affection. Let’s get practical and a bit smart, shall we? If love and affection can be bought, then mummy and I wouldn’t crack our heads what would bring a chuckle to your faces, see those smiles receiving the gifts. Care and thought went into everything, well some were impulse buy but hey, we are talking about shopping… nevertheless, I am saying if money will do the trick, then I’d have just given you $50 bills every time I see you. Why bother planning every single detail for occasions, birthdays and holidays?  Mummy saved up a year for the Tokyo trip, she could have used the money on herself. But she wanted it to experience it with both of you, this is not buying, this love. I could have used the money for the Taiwan trip on a new high end Macbook but that was not what I wanted. I hoped with the trip, it would be a chance for you both to get to know me better and vice versa and also give me mommy a birthday treat. That is not buying affection, that is what families do, we share. Try telling insincere people to keep buying such affection and love, it’d kill them cause it’s very tiring to keep up with a pretense. Life and people are not one dimensional, when things don’t happen according to what we think is right or should be done mean they are wrong. Life has a way of surprising you. You are both growing up to be young adults so my advice is take a step back, learn how to see a bigger picture, have a bigger heart and use discernment in people and things. Let me end this letter by saying that your mom loves you and has done much more within and beyond her ability for you both and that is what matters. How I know this is because without a shadow of a doubt that your mom will willingly sacrifice her life for yours if that day ever comes. Ask if anyone else will. Besides God, I don’t know who else will die for another person. But mothers don’t go around saying such things because this is a love that is innate in them. So with that, I hope you look within the depths of your heart and think long and hard, have you given her the respect and trust she so deserves as your mother, seen the effort she’s put in, wiped her silent tears, held her when she missed you and most of all have you really embraced her love? ---- all's well indeed: On 11 February 2013 19:59, <joellechang@gmail.com> wrote: Hi janey and thanks for the email... I let jill read it too. Disclaimer: Whenever I write emails about explaining myself or emotional/relational stuff, it usually backfires in my face (pretty badly), from previous experiences. So if i happen to offend you, please try to take it lightly. Firstly, I know that everyone in my family cares a lot for us. But over the years, we get caught up in emotions and decisions and everyone else's contrasting opinions so it's really hard to remain "sensible" and "loyal". No one wants to lose their family member because of a petty situation, so we both try to keep each side happy. Unfortunately, sometimes when we make one side contented, the other sometimes gets offended. It's kinda tiring sometimes. I think Jill said all those things on Friday because she was really tired and frustrated - she didn't mean any of it. Secondly, we already understand the giving part, that you give because you want to give. I don't even know why you guys brought it up. We can't bring stuff over because it interferes with the other side's. Thirdly, I don't really understand emm's problem with bringing stuff back but I think it interferes with ddy's parenting style. I guess he chooses not to reward us so often? EMM is not always crazy and mummy is not always un-parent-like. I understand that no one is perfect. My point is that I don't want to make either one of them seem like crazy evil people. EMM is nice in a tough-love way but she has this grudge against mm & uses the fact that we're not blood related and all the drama in the past to "discipline" us sometimes. Mm seemed "irresponsible" to us before because she didn't seem like those type of moms who ironed your stuff, brought you out shopping, girly stuff, etc. she also still had a life of her own (clubbing, drinking with friends) I don't know, maybe there was sort of an unspoken expectation or a stereotype programmed into my head (I don't think Jill was so paranoid/observant?) that when you have kids, you dedicate most of your daylight hours to them *shrugs* it often felt like she was a little kid too :P But now I know more, I understand more. And about the sexuality thing. I didn't mean to offend any one. (NOR WAS I SAYING THAT BEING A LESBIAN IS WRONG *AHEM* I know it's alright already! I have read enough guidebooks (one) and received enough emails to know...) I just used it as an example, if she could tell us something as big as that, why couldn't she tell us something like financial problems? I think it would have solved most of the silly misunderstandings we had that built up into a bigger pile of... Silly misunderstandings. I actually thought that she was giving us sandwiches and instant noodles everyday because she was somehow "hoarding" it for herself! Seriously! I feel disgusted with myself even remembering that I believed in that so strongly. But that does not matter anymore.** ... Ok that's all I have to say. We will continue to love her (and you) more. But it's a bit difficult since we're kinda big and not too keen on mushy stuff. I think over the years, we somehow built up this "shell" that most chinese people have... Or maybe it's just us? Anyway, we aren't really physically affectionate people... (But we'll try to be more open...?) It is challenging to put in so much trust and love into something you don't even know will hold up. It's like jumping on ice to us. Lastly, I think we should be the ones thanking you for coming into our lives and while we may be insensitive sometimes or "squirm away" from the overwhelming affection from you (Heehee), please know that we love you too. :D thanks for understanding us (directed at you & mm) (I'm shuddering a bit from the sappiness but Jill & I really mean it) Have a nice holiday. -Joelle P.S.: I have read what I wrote over and over. In case I happen to stray off without knowing, my main point is the last two paragraphs. :P

reap.sow

that over-used cliche of getting what you give doesn't always apply. or especially when dealing with teens.

so i've decided to stick to my guns and just take care of those who give as much as they get.

it's quite a simple equation innit? maybe my maternal instincts tend to cloud my better judgement.

snarky comebacks for those annoying platitudes

1. we'll cross that bridge when we come to it -- that's provided i haven't already  set it on fire
2. it is what it is -- oh really? i could've sworn it was a unicorn weeping in boredom
3. it's not you, it's me -- yup i always had an inkling of your inflated self-worth
4. if it's meant to be, it's meant to be -- which explains why that last conversation with you was meant to be
5. it takes two hands to clap -- unless you're incapacitated  or a primate in which case a foot may be applied

haha ok this is how i entertained myself waiting the entire day for a long-drawn department meeting where said cliches emerged at some point, and later waiting to see the doc. interesting contrast from my view point because while the former achieved little in a span of 3.5hrs other than to propose ideas which no one will actually execute for want of time, or interest; the latter saw at least 40 patients across the demographic of age and ability, either hobble, amble or crawl in and out of the doctor's consult room. i counted yes.  that's the practical efficiency of our government clinics these days. so while our school system may be shaping the future minds of our generation, it is these other civil servants who put in the real work, of making real changes and improvements. one lip the other groundwork. i wonder how much more these medical pros make than us. i know they def deserve a whole lot more for the healing and help. i think teachers could really take a leaf and learn not to whine about their hours and rewards.

anyway i've had a really leisurely start to the year so i shouldn't be complaining.you can tell when i'm on fb too often and trawling back seasons of assorted telly offerings. and you can tell i'm watching too much tv, i just made a sticky to keep track of the stuff i watch...yikes hahaha

i guess i'm in a really good place mostly compared to last year, despite telling myself i had centered by being, my mind was restless to leave, forget, start over. then we found each other and i suppose love does that. it's a paradigm shift,you renew your goals, refresh your perspectives. we find ourselves planning around the kids, making vacation plans, taking time to stop and breath. the whirlwind which was last year has very much settled to a serenity of understanding. this is what it means to be in a real relationship where two people have lived enough to know not to sweat the small stuff.