wherever the wind blows doesn't really matter to me

so i've resolved that by 2016 i will definitely be doing something else but my present circumstances. jo will be 19 heading to uni, jil at the cusp of jc. who needs supervision at that age? not them for sure. in any case their other parents could easily handle that part of their lives.

at work i will have done 10 years at this jc. i'm really facing a certain ennui and uninspired mundane routines.
my form class is almost perfect in conduct and values. everyone talks about family and its importance. they have droll interests ranging from cosplay to akido, assorted neuroses like 'demophobia' (dear of large crowds) to ocd with annoying noises (he talked about chewing and scratchy things which can send him off the handle). interesting. yet banal. i can't quite put a finger on. they are mostly polite and rather earnest lot, willing to help, eager to learn. i'm not even complaining here. it's just that something in me feels numb to all this.

perhaps it's linked to my evolving role as mother, too. i suddenly feel unhinged by what i thought was a clear and present situation. i'm merely a wallet or driver, which isn't any different from before, except i feel like they are strangers to me. i'm sure it's a phase but for now it makes me feel a little less excited about family time to be honest. we sit beside each other and really have nothing to say, even with our bodies, our shared humour, our observations about life, our common philosophies. i feel disenfranchised. fancy word. couldn't think of anything more succinct.

then i remember how i felt centered very much in 2011. i achieved a certain harmonious calm just from denying myself of any wants or needs. it helped me not feel restless. i could just focus on the end-light of my days and feel somewhat comforted by its finality and certainty. so absolute and sure. unlike my self-doubt looming these days. not all the time, but that intermittent shroud of why and what i am doing.

ok. faith is about relenting logic, suspending sense. i know that's the best i can do given the present circumstances. i float in meaningless ennui only because everything lacks purpose. i have a future of good things with the wifey and we can plan around so many things to keep the focus forward. till then it's really just that abstract solution of wait. i can do that. i can also detach rather well from the here and now. and that's all i have to go with until whenever.