heart.mind.soul

what do you know? they share the same initials =]

and a random spot of nostalgia


this is the age you first met them, baby

bunny's a teen!

how quickly i've become a mom of two teens. scary. but good coz now i can finally say im in mommy hell haha not really actually i think they're the coolest teens i've ever birthed and met. no credit to me except raising them to be decent and polite, letting them be themselves, embracing their quirks with their talents.


then : a sweet lil tween


now: all grown up but still a cherub to me <3

we had a little dinner surprise for her at baby's

 

my attempt at panda riceballs

and baby's stellar efforts at panda cupcakes.it's a lot harder than it looks, unlike my playdough efforts hahaha

i'm just warmed by how we've grown as a family. was telling her the other day, there are girlfriends and there are wives, and she's wife material for real. and hot to boot!





that said, i really love having the kids home. they light up my day / life!

lessons in love.

2011 could easily be the worst year of my life. I spent most of it in states of oblivion, either drunk or starved to the point of disorientation. i embraced it as part of my cleansing and renewal. the need to start over, to make amends. i walked around often in a zombie state. some evenings i would find myself walking aimlessly in the middle of the night, passing her home and looking at the 10th floor, wondering if she was up at 3am. i'd do the occasional stupid text and then my pride would thrash it. i existed merely to go from place to place, keeping alive to fulfill and function. i only looked forward to seeing my kids alternate weekend, only to return them with dread and despair. i knew this purgatory would end eventually and i had intended it on my 43rd year. i made a whole inane farewell video, getting the fling to release it on my fb on my behalf. i re-drafted my will, fixed my home, prepped my goodbyes, leaving all my earthly possessions to people who mattered. i refrained from telling her because i didn't need her to always think she was a catalyst. truth is my soul had already left. an empty nuance of who i was remained, the one who had duties to fulfill, but a mere suggestion of what i was when  through the motions. on my birthday trip to phuket with the kids i wept while waiting for our early flight, reminiscing of the very moments we both sat there hand in hand, not a care in the world, leaving our real lives and the assorted judgements and challenges that brought behind. in december at tokyo i curled under the covers after the kids slept and again found myself sobbing, the depth of my loneliness inexplicable, the misery of lost dreams, missing her form, wondering where it was. so i muttered these words to whoever was out there, i knew we were in an existential solitude, but irrationally i yearned for a force which could change this stagnated ennui. i told whoever it was that i was done. i would go in time, i would leave before the year end because i didn't really feel the need to drag out another miserable year.

2012 has been nothing short of a miracle. more so because of its timing. it was that very week of making my plans to go on a one-way trip to nepal that we reconnected, my partner and i. in fact it was the same morning that i had dropped off something for the ex-gf which i met up later with the present and regarded her more than someone of my past acquaintance, perhaps a sign, a hint of things to come. all i knew was from that day i felt liberated from my burdens. i felt like i had spent a year suffocating in my self-imposed isolation which in time had become a somewhat comforting numbness. but in the same token i was like a baby learning to walk again, falling so often, retreating again to indifference, fearful of emerging to more cycles of doubt and distrust.

it took a lot of patience and understanding on her part to get this. perhaps from time to time this scared child takes over. and it retreats into its sanctuary of silent indifference. it has nothing to fear nor care. in there it can forget and possibly feel nothing. it has to be coaxed with tiring assurance and saint-like patience. in that way she did her best to try and in faith succeeded. in that sleep of death what dreams may come. it was an easier place to be and letting go required a whole renewal of faith. that which often eluded me because i didn't want to suspend that jaded indifference which i had woven into a perfect tapestry of the ghost i wished to be. time and again, cycles of unfathomable melancholy and fear. it threatens that harmony but i shrug it instead of confronting it. perhaps i should learn to simply do more and think less. i told myself this very mantra last year. my brother-in-law pointedly said it would be hard for me because my nature is to internalise too much.

perhaps i will move to a realm of that calm i covet. perhaps i will finally be happy and learn to trust my happiness. and perhaps i will walk completely strong, fall and not retreat but move on.

us.

thank you, hon for keeping it real.

Everything is relative in life. I am nobody to judge or comment but I know I am able to come this far in managing my emotions/relationships especially in recent years is I know my self worth. Whatever happened in the past however bad or painful, they serve to make me stronger and wiser. They are not meant to haunt me and remind me of failures and anxiety of not being good enough. I learnt how to be honest and be kinder to myself. Because I see how I hurt people when I think wot the fuck did I do that wasn't good enough that people think that wat. But in actual fact I was the only consumed by it and others' life went on merrily. When u have self doubts u r not good enough in ur work, look at it desk, see the change u have brought to ur students' lives & how u touched them. When u feel ur fucking best efforts are not good enough for the kids, remember their cheeky smile and the twinkle in their eyes when they laughed with u and say the quirky things only they do because they have ur innate cleverness. And when u think ur fucking best is not enough for me, I hope u recall times when I held u tight, watch u eat the food I prepared and I hope u saw the love in my eyes and that those moments are what touched my heart, I hope these things and moments are what matters and will help u push those self doubt of not being good enough for anyone out of ur head. I can only hope that in time to come to internalize all these and its clear as day but I know its going to take time so I wait. As for the rest of humanity, they can be whatever they want because I am only gg to surround myself with good. In thoughts, actions and words, people, whenever I possibly can.

And everyone u have touched in ur own way, whatever u have done to help, make them happy, in whatever way, u may not see the results right away. Life is a journey isn't it? However fucked humanity is, we try to find something good too right? Tts why I truly am thankful for all that I have been blessed with especially this year. I have learnt, grown and gainef so much in love and blessings. If u r tired, if u r sick of everything, then let them go. Carrying tt invisible ruler of measurement and alarm clock of reminder must feel horrible. But somehow u have become used to them. I guess breaking old habits and forming new ones is a process. Takes time. But it also takes discipline and determination. And in true civil servant speak, last but not least, every is a brand new day. We can have a choice to embrace, focus and fill it with love, good things/tots and more or give in to the easier feeling of what's the point, its a ducking dismal world with fucked up people and the likes. I guess its like when how I started exercising after 20 years, it was so hard. But now that I have conscientiously done it for a year, I find it easier and easier. So baby, really, don't judge yourself anymore, and judge yourself so harshly. U r so good in many ways u know.

• A relationship to me is a partnership. Its what we make of it. I don't need u to 'take care' of me. We take care of each other in whatever ways there are.
• And unless u see me in the role of your ex husband then I have nothing to say
• And as for last nights post it was really a think out loud moment because I had worked with a raging fever winter before and I was ok and when I was burning up rapidly last night tts the question in my head tts all. It has never crossed my mind that I wanted u to come over or anything else and not a back handed way to insinuate tt u don't take care of me enough. I don't need or want what strong woman as my partner. I just want a partner who wants to work through things with me and trust me enough to walk in life with her
  
  wow. i don't think baby has written so much in a sitting before, save when we have our tiffs.  and all i could reply when floored by her unusual display of verbosity (in a good way of course, since i'm always the one rambling ) was:
  " invisible ruler of measurement " nice metaphor. sry occupational hazard
  
  i love how your partner can surprise you every turn. <333
  
  more importantly, she's the only one i can be serious and silly with. like the other day when we met for lunch she brought with her the batch of cookies she made, opened the box and said, see b, smell and as i reached to take one said, no you will spoil your dinner. i told her that was tantamount to spousal abuse and we guffawed all the way in the car. it felt like we were married for decades.
  

preview of our photoshoot

the rest

arrivals departures

farewell 3611

my first pd class i've followed thru from jan 11 -- oct 12
they've grown like my surrogates from strength to strength
i'd dare say they're my fave form class in my years at ajc (the other being my last civics class 98s64 in hcjc)

the difference being i was so much younger then. now these are almost my own kids' age.i really wish them the best for the a's.god knows they've worked really hard.

a little poem from a favourite writer for you all:

photosynthesis-- a fable of the tree and sunshine.

(based on our convo last night)

once there was an amazing tree made with love and unmerited favour. she was tall and slender, graceful in her artless manner, true in her spirit. but to thrive and become magnificent, she needed sunshine, not so much but enough to sustain her in love and light. somedays the sunshine however needed to retreat into the foliage of her comforting shade, feeling safe in its embrace, languishing in the scent and grounded sense of constantcy.

 yes this is indeed the beauty of symbiosis of my love. for as much joy i can bring you with my radiant personality there is also goodness in the quiet solace of your existence. i need you as much as you need me.and.god has made.that mutually clear. so let my love shine for you while you keep me safe, like chlorophyl we make together, our love will grow.

and yes i love trees.they are reliable n rooted, much like who you are to me baby!

family matters always

so my ah-ee Irene, Ray's mom just passed away last night, short of 4 months after my own mom. they were close and solid as a family, especially since she was the eldest and raised and supported them after my maternal grandparents premature deaths. my mom, the second youngest was only 17.

anyway what this has taught me this year is the importance of keeping blood ties. since my mom's passing i have grown closer to my own immediate family as well as my cousins. it has inadvertently created family reunions, as i've always observed as a child and wrote that as a feature in my primary school composition of that title.funerals bring family together in the same way birthdays or chinese new year. it's odd but unavoidable. oh add wedding, but i have a feeling some weddings actually tear families apart...

the best part of a sad situation is how i've become closer to my own kids, after they witnessed the death and finally grasp the importance of mortality and loving those around you while they're here. as for me, i especially feel grateful for having nice relatives who don't try to hassle you for favours or money and instead extend generosity and kindness. as for my siblings, they will remain eclectic yet always reliable for support and loyalty. i know these baby steps since the era of estrangement has been much provided from above.

regroup recharge revive

it's been one of the most fruitful weekends thus far well at least i didn't resign to lethargy. we started the morning with a gym workout and i'm glad to say i feel like my weights have increased again. short of attaining the ideal lats and delts which i know will materialise by year end.

had a yummy lunch at our latest haunt at tiong bahru which we can already see ourselves setting up a future abode together. i love the throwback ambience to the 60s where life was simple but halcyon


then we drove to tampines for her antique procurement leaving with some really lovely additions to the home, crashed at the beach before having a sumptuous thai feast with really good eats and prices before watching her make and proof her loaf of bread which i could see she relished in the process. i love watching her in action. such devotion to her craft done with commited vigour. i think i don't have the patience nor skill coz i'd probably end up making unintended unleaven bread or worse, rock buns haha

 am drooling just looking at the finished product.heck was drooling during, well for more reasons than one hehe

and today baby whipped up a flavourful array of roasted veges in balsamic and herbs. delish


i love the simplicity of our domesticity. it feels like home,mom,love.

bucket list

1. swim with manta rays and dolphins in Maldives
2. see the bigass moon atop Nepal
3. watch the sunset with baby in Tuscany
4. drive a Maserati at 180kmh
5. own a genuine Gibson Les Paul matched with a classic Fender tube-amp

so i believe putting things down stamps its possibilities and claims its promises


as for us, i can forsee a retirement plan with much aplomb. presenting our glorified antique-procurement service, or otherwise known as garang guni haha

the kids and pooch can ride out back and double up as lovely assistants to load and display our wares. baby is an avid junk collector of dead people (read hailing from 50s-60s). the other day she stopped a garangguni ah pek in his tracks and bought a CNY goodie tray off him. must've been the most profitable sale till date haha

and at the end of the day it wouldn't hurt to return to a loft either 

virtual reality/insanity

my listlessness is much equated with cabin fever at work. invigilation and marking and testimonial writing is only what stands between me and getting away with my loved ones, yet paradoxically they also get me to where i need to be. 

the parable of the mellifluous manatee.

once there lived a cow in her halcyon existence grazing grass in a secure realm of her existence. although she was a free roaming bovine most of her life, even once letting herself be carried to the ocean and its surprising flux, she eventually decided to stay in one place where she was tended by a kind farmer who had nothing but good intentions.in commiting his time and focus on this lovely creature for the rest of his life.

so life continued in this tranquil manner until a manatee emerged from its marine surroundings where it once spent its days restlessly searching for its mate. as a sea-cow it was never able to remain in one part of the ocean as the expression goes, there were just too many fishes in the sea. why then would the manatee wish to be tied down to anything with all that uncharted span of possibilities? anyway it decided one day that it was time to come home to who it once felt was its stability, a secure and comforting presence of love and warmth which it had become callous about. it saw the cow and her blissful existence and felt suddenly empty. it yearned the same but couldn't rekindle that once passionate reaction from the cow, which only drove it to be more tenacious about its intentions.

meanwhile the farmer observed the events which followed, dumbfounded and somewhat befuddled at the manatee's attempts to atone for its past misgivings, making the cow feel somewhat affected by its returning presence, for deep in her she knew there remained a soft sentiment. all he could do was to observe and await the manatee's next move with an unsettling discomfort, yet a little.jaded in doing anything about it. for he had learned from.past errors that humanity is ruled mostly by free choice and less wisdom.or sense. for the heart often wants what.the heart wants. as for the cow, he trusted that she would be sensible and wise. for he had learned also that free will is but an essential.human prerogative and trying to comtrol. it would often be counter-reactive if not futile, with potential consequence of suffering all aroumd. so he conceded to let this unpleasamt situation run its natural course, trusting in the grace of providence to guide all parties to act with discernment. after all, he had mostly learned that what will be, will inevitably be, regardless of the actions we take in the present.

the end.