lessons in love.

2011 could easily be the worst year of my life. I spent most of it in states of oblivion, either drunk or starved to the point of disorientation. i embraced it as part of my cleansing and renewal. the need to start over, to make amends. i walked around often in a zombie state. some evenings i would find myself walking aimlessly in the middle of the night, passing her home and looking at the 10th floor, wondering if she was up at 3am. i'd do the occasional stupid text and then my pride would thrash it. i existed merely to go from place to place, keeping alive to fulfill and function. i only looked forward to seeing my kids alternate weekend, only to return them with dread and despair. i knew this purgatory would end eventually and i had intended it on my 43rd year. i made a whole inane farewell video, getting the fling to release it on my fb on my behalf. i re-drafted my will, fixed my home, prepped my goodbyes, leaving all my earthly possessions to people who mattered. i refrained from telling her because i didn't need her to always think she was a catalyst. truth is my soul had already left. an empty nuance of who i was remained, the one who had duties to fulfill, but a mere suggestion of what i was when  through the motions. on my birthday trip to phuket with the kids i wept while waiting for our early flight, reminiscing of the very moments we both sat there hand in hand, not a care in the world, leaving our real lives and the assorted judgements and challenges that brought behind. in december at tokyo i curled under the covers after the kids slept and again found myself sobbing, the depth of my loneliness inexplicable, the misery of lost dreams, missing her form, wondering where it was. so i muttered these words to whoever was out there, i knew we were in an existential solitude, but irrationally i yearned for a force which could change this stagnated ennui. i told whoever it was that i was done. i would go in time, i would leave before the year end because i didn't really feel the need to drag out another miserable year.

2012 has been nothing short of a miracle. more so because of its timing. it was that very week of making my plans to go on a one-way trip to nepal that we reconnected, my partner and i. in fact it was the same morning that i had dropped off something for the ex-gf which i met up later with the present and regarded her more than someone of my past acquaintance, perhaps a sign, a hint of things to come. all i knew was from that day i felt liberated from my burdens. i felt like i had spent a year suffocating in my self-imposed isolation which in time had become a somewhat comforting numbness. but in the same token i was like a baby learning to walk again, falling so often, retreating again to indifference, fearful of emerging to more cycles of doubt and distrust.

it took a lot of patience and understanding on her part to get this. perhaps from time to time this scared child takes over. and it retreats into its sanctuary of silent indifference. it has nothing to fear nor care. in there it can forget and possibly feel nothing. it has to be coaxed with tiring assurance and saint-like patience. in that way she did her best to try and in faith succeeded. in that sleep of death what dreams may come. it was an easier place to be and letting go required a whole renewal of faith. that which often eluded me because i didn't want to suspend that jaded indifference which i had woven into a perfect tapestry of the ghost i wished to be. time and again, cycles of unfathomable melancholy and fear. it threatens that harmony but i shrug it instead of confronting it. perhaps i should learn to simply do more and think less. i told myself this very mantra last year. my brother-in-law pointedly said it would be hard for me because my nature is to internalise too much.

perhaps i will move to a realm of that calm i covet. perhaps i will finally be happy and learn to trust my happiness. and perhaps i will walk completely strong, fall and not retreat but move on.