lovely end to the year

kids were absolute troopers and made the best travel companions. no worries, smooth sailing immigration and customs, save for that one missed driver but we had a scenic route taking the train to the hotel.
best part was enjoying them while they enjoyed themselves. and listening to them breathe in slumber despite the wretched cold. this tops everything for the year and i'm so glad i invested in making good memories.
that's all i need on my own final journey.

for jo

yuletide blessings

so much as i'm glad and relieved the year is ending, i'm mostly grateful for how it turned out. the kids moving back have been a highlight.they are so grown up and amazing.today jo surprised me after doing groceries and returned home making some goodies for all. spontaneous and generous. her sister is adapting to many changes and has shown such a positive attitude about it, taking the bus deliberately from school so she could time herself for her daily routines and manage them better. and today, jill handled her ailment at the polyclinic all by herself. i'm so damn proud of her. all these initiatives are really affirming of well-adjusted teens.it warms and assures me that they will be ok,they will thrive and take care of each other.it's all i need to leave with.

they make me whole and complete

circle of life

so the ex has made arrangements ahead when the kids move back with me. it's fair and he's managing best he can.sadly they're literally moving everything back because their room will be occupied by his in-laws. i wonder how that feels for them

for me i just anticipate a sudden need for storage space. when the last lived with me it was kiddy things but two teens now i'm expecting larger things all around. it'll be challenging but i'll figure it out. my only concern is how they'll adjust. it's sad how their lives are always in flux. i just hope they can live here with a new sense of stability coz im certainly not going anywhere.and when i'm gone the whole apartment is theirs to space out in and they can take over my stuff if they want.im sure they'll survive.

sigh.it's going to be different and daunting but im sure i'll manage. it'd be nice to get help but i think they'll learn to chip in from here on. they have to.there's no other way

live and let live

the hols have been wonderful and restful, with money flowing from 2 tuition assignments while i await the big year-end bonus thrice the salary.woot.that's timely for expenses this season and our trip. told the kids this is a main perk in my job despite it's mundanity.i cant complain. i've always been a survivor with anything i do.i never quite completly relent to challenges.

in my 44 years the best would always be 2006-9. they defined my grit and self-determination living life on my own and terms.i felt right and real. everything else was mostly duty and obligations. and commitments i never really gave much heart and soul to.if anything those years would affirm what i could do with my gifts and strengths and i definitely put them to optimum use with nary a regret.

looking at these beautiful girls, i know i have done right with them. they turned out to be my best work with my fullest efforts and intentions. no other rewards could trump that and i will take that with me till my end of days. it's going to be a peaceful exit. i just know it.

games people play

i'm baffled by the inane moves she's been making.if she wants me to notice her she should stop the hovering or the convenient show ups. i know exactly what this is about but i've long retired from this sort of courting procedures.it's a colossal waste of time and quite tedious

i do not wish emotional entanglements in my life anymore.you want you take
if not just quit ok. im really tired of mindgames let alone mind reading

detachment and then some

this year i've become so indifferent about my classes that i feel absolutely no attachment to any of them other than to go through the motions of being their teacher.maybe it's my present state of dkdcfa.it's just that i don't see the need to sentimentalize anything which remains in the past or is a forgone conclusion of departures.

they are a nice bunch of agreeable peeps but i really feel zero chemistry or even similar wavelengths.maybe it's true how they get younger, you get older and everything else is just business as usual.

i just want to spend the rest of the year recuperating financially and emotionally. i feel really drained of interest in anyone/thing. i have two more tuition assignments which would come in handy for those expenses on dog lodgings for our vacation time as well as christmas shopping and spending moolah for the kids in korea.that's good. i can't complain.timeliness of that bonus helps heaps.
then i need to catch up on the syllabus plans since i'll hardly have time next year for preps. j2 is always hectic but better busy than ennui.i can't wait to see the end of 2013 and the remaining time on earth.it's been a ride but it's time to get off the rollercoaster.

they fuck you up

This Be The Verse

BY PHILIP LARKIN

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.   

    They may not mean to, but they do.   

They fill you with the faults they had

    And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn

    By fools in old-style hats and coats,   

Who half the time were soppy-stern

    And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

    It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

    And don’t have any kids yourself.

so i woke up and this poem was ringing in my head.i suppose we are a construct of narratives of our childhood and this perpetuates in who we are, our neurosis, fears,how we handle our setbacks.

of course it'd be easy to lay blame for everything on our folks but truth be told we will never completely remove the damaged parts.

take my poor parenting as an e.g. i'm sure much of what the kids are and are phobic about had something to do with the mistakes i made with them. their fear of poverty for one must have something to do with the days we struggled to get by when they moved in with me. they witnessed the austerity of our lives and now they are careful with money to the point of frugality.it isn't so bad but i do feel sad thinking how they control too much of their own freedom.

as for me, i know my propensity for isolation has a large part to do with the negativity of my childhood, how i was always made to feel bad about who i was, or not being good enough for something, which made me withdraw and later overcompensate in my later years as being callous and impulsive. this has shaped me into being a sort of recluse with trust issues and clear boundaries of how much i want to give to others. i sought approval from elsewhere when i got none at home which led to really bad decisions in relationships, spending, externalising everything which i felt inadequate about inside.i think i projected too much of this on my public life and this has really conflicted quite significantly to my true self.

anyway, retrospection aside, it is good that i've become self aware and it helps in my final journey to some sort of liberation from all these constructs. i now become a needlessly numb individual free from what the rest of society expects or controls. i want to spend my remaining years simply being true to who i am, holding on to nothing but my light, centered and focused.

as the new month creeps the year to a close, i just feel completely relieved. i can't wait for our trip and even if the weather isn't favourable it's more significant that we went. this would be my 3rd and possibly final trip with the kids what with my severe pancreatic failure showing up ever so often.apparently this would spiral into other issues but honestly i couldn't give a toss right now because so long as live and breathe i will embrace the moments.

i haven't told the kids but why bother. as far as i see it if i can see them to adulthood it's a good time to move on.by then they would've forged lives of their own so my duties and responsibilites are complete. in fact these days i'm merely that distant voice which may emerge every once in awhile when they need advice,decision making,chauferring
 for me i think if i make 21 years of motherhood i deserve an effing medal.just for not maiming or killing them with my unothordox methods haha

i see my remaining years just fading into a beautiful quiet, free finally of my past sadness and future fears. a present flicker and then poof it'd be an awesome kind of peace.

bunny's awesome panda cake




hope things work out for beats. god knows she's really a good kid.looking at the effort she put in this cake shows talent and heart.few can have both

any way the wind blows

the stages of life is much like the speed we move from place to place. we start crawling and totting in our childhood, jog/sprint in our youth and in our twilight years its a brisk walk. i'm very much keeping that pace these days as well, it's hard to run without being winded let alone keel over in near death. but i like that it's the way things are. i don't even feel the need to speed on the roads anymore also because of wretched speedtraps every which way haha.it affects my general demeanour and i know now why i'm in a different place from my peers. alot of them seem to be holding on to some large hope of living beyond 80 when i'm more than content going in a few. it's not even tragic as it sounds because it is a choice, a peaceful acceptance of who i am and what i've achieved. it's just a few more things on the agenda and i'm content. no one should feel they understand this and i don't need to explain it either.

detached.disengaged.

so i've been wondering how far i'd like to make this journey.i would love to chuck to peru to check out Machu Picchu but it could be awhile before that happens seeing as it sets one back a few Gs

it's fucking awesome though

i made a concerted decision to possibly reserve my remaining days in the sort of simplicity of the old folks i have as neighbours. there isn't a need to really live on much except the essentials.god knows my legacy of shoes and clothes and watches for the kids is mortifying.haha but that's part of some unresolved issues of youth which i will leave for the kids to make a profit or take over.
i feel really disengaged from peeps in general.it's tiring to take on other lives when i feel i've already transcended that need for companionship.perhaps i'm a sort of recluse but it really doesn't bother me because i feel a harmony with my being and the world out there is merely a bridge to a more sublime existence. everything else is moot really.

lost causes

well fourteen years later and it seems this is how we will celebrate my second born's birthday.it's not a big deal if i saw them everyday but it isn't always expedient timing, with the other's major exam around the bend.
but it isn't so bad seeing them on the long weekend either as it gives me more time to catch up at a leisurely pace.i just hope we can do this right without too many glitches
funny how it was only a year when we made a big event of it at the ex's place.she took the day off and made preps with such effort and attention i was humbled.on my side i tried to fix a decent looking dinner.it was then that i was assured we could do this as partners because i was possibly moved by her love and devotion.sadly this didn't seem enough internally because i really couldn't accept who she was as a person.i tried believe me but some things are just harder than they should be.too much buried resentment and disdain.
so now i look back and like the glitch in my weekend plans which turns out better because i didn't book a getaway on the weekend i was told last minute about swap in duties, i could also look at this present moment as better for everyone. i'm sure she has moved on and found her peace. for me it takes time to train myself mentally not to regress.it has to be about the worthwhile causes in life, where you make another happy and love them despite.if i ever achieve that it would be a new accomplishment.my track record has shown how i flounder quite horribly in that department

pain and numb

so this week i got a new ink which is a royal homage to the fender strat with really good detailing thanks to su wen.
admittedly it was excruciating esp in the lower back thigh when the nerve endings converge. at some point it felt like someone was roasting it with a blowtorch and i was perspiring profusely despite laying flat on my tummy.
then just when i thought i would pass out, she asked if i wanted a numbing spray with magically anesthecised the entire area so that her going over the sore areas felt like a dental procedure where you can feel the force of the needle but not die from the pain.
made me think about life in general. sometimes in our suffering we hope for a respite and sure enough you will transcend it to a level of complete detachment where nothing bothers you.it takes practice and i'm still mastering it gradually,there will be ugfucks who will cross ou and you will lower yourself by reacting,but in time i hope i will rise above that and just wave them away like the shitflies they are.
as the my remaining time here i will strive to be a centered individual complete in the knowledge that i am going to reach a realm of absolute harmony.that light will be focused on only that fabulous end.

hanging up the gloves

this evening on my long walk with the pooch, i've decided in retrospect i've had the king's ransom of relationships the past 12 years of coming out -- 5 serious and 2 flings. a girl can only take so much haha.i've become emotionally drained and detached really.

so if anyone needs me to be their bicurious fancy feast they can, as a friend once said, admire not acquire. and my last wish is to be sandwiched between the glorious dame judi dench and the fabulous hellen mirren. one can wish!

a complete mindfuck isn't always a bad thing

so the intended has sent me a somewhat weirdly encrypted text about some qualities of either mine or what she thinks i'm into
admittedly coy and mysterious work for me, though to be honest i'm feeling less curious these days.just detached and mentally tired of mind games.
so well, it'll have to stay at length as oscar wilde once put it, the essence of romance is uncertainty. i think i do thrive on staying oblivious.
i suppose i'm officially the patron saint of bicurious experiments, yes men included

vivid dreams

i wonder if nature is trying to tell me something. for the past two nights i've been having the sort of dreams where it is almost like a screenplay.
the first was literally a b-grade movie complete with title, 'these friends of mine', i wrote it all out during invigilation to see how far i could take it haha

then last night i dreamed of a more local context of me as a teacher bringing college kids for an excursion which ended at a hostel where they dragged out some guy who had apparently forced himself on one of their friends, to which they proceeded to pee and defecate on him as a revenge fantasy. and there i was shocked but unable to stop them because these bitches were on a tear. haha omg. i wonder if there is something i watch too much of. oh and they all shaved their heads bald which may've been related to watching 50/50 before i slept

and the other night i dreamed i was back in my alma mater as a prefect and met my younger daughter was is currently one and i went up to her and took pictures proudly.weird. she was embarrassed to say the least.

ok i think cold tablets and pms are taking its toll, looking forward then to an arvo at the spa to unwind and regroup before the ensuing exam marking madness tomorrow.sigh

The.truth shall.set you free

this applies to the one you tell yourseof.in its raw honest moments devoid of artifice or delusion. Today i saw her from the back.that was really a good honest moment of reconciliation without doubt or delusion.i knew at.that moment why we.would never have worked out.she is someone so far removed from who i knew.and we have certainly moved to completly new realms.
my path is now clearly on the present direction of self fulfilment which excludes all.else.i need.to see.this through completely on my own.and on my own terms.it will be.nothing can compromise the focus.

channeling the convent schoolgirl

so it's been a rather hectic work month with end of term deadlines and exam preps. it's funny in that fray we can find time to be distracted, or maybe distractions will find you haha.

i've had a slight crush on my vp for awhile but i didn't think much of it than a transitory projection of amusement.then there are recent developments which have successful made some space in my mind,not always a good timing but well, these things have their own way of doing that.

something unexpected yet a part of me doesn't want to make much of it because as i've learned it only spells suffering from disappointment, something we can well avoid in our spiritual journey.in any case, i've been encouraged by colleagues though i know that is just me seeking for approval to do something impulsive, not unlike my adolescent infatuations. but it does keep me amused and less numb about life in general so we'll just take things as they come.

will keep this posted.if anything, if not. whatever will be.

dawn

so this weekend i've given myself a really good respite, besides the usual errands and a gym session, i lay flat a lot more than usual, not in a lazing way but short power naps to recharge mentally everytime i felt the urge. that's really how i should treat my body. not resist the natural call to rest as i used to. it helped that i had the solitude and felt more withdrawn than usual. i don't see the need to keep up platitudes with friends when i think we've become more comfortable updating each other online. besides i needed some time-out from mindless conversations.

this week was especially awesome in the elements. the moon for one was awesomely large and i'm so glad i bought that DSLR to capture it with justice

i remember how i had just decided to take a walk on a whim and there it was, coupled with a warm breeze that made the moment perfect.
that's exactly how i'd like to spend my days, thought-free, childlike appreciation for the simple pleasures of food and nature. it never really went away since i was a kid. i recall just going off on my little bike alone to discover the marvels of nature.days just passed like that, time was never hours but quick moments of joy. i want to be like this again.education has brought me thought but also taken away my simple appreciations.

and desire has become a sort of distraction. i'm learning to eliminate that in paces. i think our ego is a really potentially destructive force. it feeds our vanity and self-serving nature. at most we could just accept the attention and then exhale it as gratitude and goodwill. if it helps another feel an apparent sense of fulfillment, then so be it.nothing should come of it other than a moment of acknowledgement.because attempting to pursue or follow-up is not only self-destructive but possible damaging to the other's ego.so none of it.
need nothing,stay neutral n numb.

arrivals, departures

this would sum up my year so far. it occurred to me while waiting for a plane last week how life is like an airport. we spend so much of our time waiting for that new chapter only to realise we shouldn't be waiting at all. it should be about living each moment completely and mindfully without looking forward or backward.

and this was the exact adage which made my entire trip a lot more gratifying. i really didnt have a plan besides getting on that plane. when i got there, i simply let the day take me. met this pleasant chap who gave me a good trustworthy vibe so i didn't need to really angst about whether i'd be ripped off for the rest of my trip. and even i were, it'd be just another learning experience.

turns out everything fell into place from the weather to timing. i felt completely immersed in my environment and slept like a baby. i never once missed a beat and it's like the entire time was already laid out without a clear itinerary except a few goals of seeing peaks and places of worship. which i did very thoroughly.

so when i got back i felt so much more centered about the rest of my time here. it's got to be an extended metaphor for everything else i do from here on. i get an email from the ex-spouse about taking the kids back and it's something i relish because the years i've lost had already caused so much guilt and regret. so that's what the next arrival of my plane's about. finishing up the journey of motherhood in a clearer and more confident manner, even so if the kinks of financial or emotional challenges come forth, they will like my nepal sojourn be similar in its natural unraveling. without doubt or despair.without regret or self-blame.

nepal '13

sept rain

so it's been a good week of bracing winds and calming weather. things were really good this week.like one's planet aligns with the universe and you don't need to overthink anything anymore.

got an encouraging response from the latest flavor today.she texted instead of email or f2f possibly as a way to start private exchanges.now i have her hp no. maybe it's nothing more but doesn't hurt hehe
and another blast has reconnected. don't think i'd pursue that one but let things slide.if it's meant to happen it will. and the third has shown interest but of course it will remain distant.

i guess the point of this entry is to tell myself never to mess with the future. it will unfold.
for now i'm just focused on detoxing and detaching this weekend. whatever the outcome.

memoirs

here

absolution.

something pragmatic to start the week:
=>Asking Yourself For Forgiveness<=

Imagine vividly a situation where
you have acted badly, one about
which you feel guilty, and about
which you wince even to think of it.
Then, as you breathe in, accept total
responsibility for your actions in
that particular situation, without in
any way trying to justify your
behavior. Acknowledge exactly
what you have done wrong, and
wholeheartedly ask for forgiveness.
Now, as you breathe out, send out
reconciliation, forgiveness, healing,
and understanding.
So you breathe in blame, and
breathe out the undoing of harm;
you breathe in responsibility,
breathe out healing, forgiveness,
and reconciliation.
This exercise is particularly
powerful and may give you the
courage to go to see the person
whom you have wronged, and the
strength and willingness to talk to
him or her directly and actually ask
for forgiveness from the depths of
your heart.

~Sogyal Rinpoche~

------
anyway i have an unsettled issue of life to deal with. this year seems to be a year of unsettling and loss but it has become something i've resigned not to resist. losing my tooth wallet and r/s were perhaps part of the narrative to make a change about myself. a positive one. from the loss came mindfulness and an honesty about who i am and what i can do. it revealed my limitations which were denied from a certain pride. these things therefore had to go or happen, and what i have now may not always be a negative conclusion. it is what we make of it. changes are up ahead. in two weeks, my life could dramatically shift in a direction which will change my entire destiny. who knows? i'm just going to ride it whichever way the wind blows.

and if i make it to see another year, 2014 will bring more changes. the boss has proposed i give up my favourite lit class and it saddens me but i know that is the nature of deployment and work. it's often beyond my will. he has proposed i go on a trip with the students to some developing country to render aid. i think that's a fabulous idea. also to do the most thankless of tasks in editing testimonials which i would rather drink cyanide but who knows. that could be another direction of change which i will have to accept in time. just like everything else.

yesterday i looked at my old room in my dad's home and recalled the rough changes that went on in there. the upheavals, the anger, the frustration with two people who could never listen or understand, the self-imposed isolation, the breakdown in communication. i couldn't think of any positive associations and i suppose that's because i spent a good 20 years there not grasping how. i will never revisit that part of my life and when it threatens in cycles i will have to forgive myself in an irrevocable manner. it will take years of healing, and in the meantime i have to see this through alone, not drag another into my demons.

this film has taught me deeply about the positive consequences of change. judi dench's character spoke to me the most. i must learn to re-new and re-learn. and channel that inner light to some worthy forward-moving cause.

restoring faith

everytime i have doubts of a higher power i look at my firstborn. this miracle of talent from a little preemie sprog to a teen with such insight and gifts to express them.her intelligence in doing sciences, balanced with the ability to draw and execute her quirky ideas.



i take no credit because for one i don't have inherent artistic talents neither did we send her for classes to hone them. she just picked this up herself as a tot and growing up she created tons of these from ideas which probably came from books n tv, and maybe some from my silly anecdotes.

she  truly restores my faith whenever cynicism takes over. she was truly sent to me to help me make sense of my universe. i'm glad i picked her name which aptly means, 'god is willing.'

august moon

it's been a rough sort of month. well mostly emotionally. but a journey of self-discovery, at least how to manage the sadness.
today i finally deleted all traces of us on fb. it had to be done eventually. a catharsis. and hopefully a giant step towards healing and moving on.

watched this heart-wrenching film. Perks of being a wallflower


it really spoke to me in the way only a writer knows how. the raw honesty and self-awareness is what i've always strove to achieve all my life.

i remember being introspective at 10. things were moving so fast. changes i started to notice, internalise and to some extent began my path of self-destruction.
i spent the decades trying to reconstruct every painful moment, to over compensate for whatever pitfalls and disappointments.

till this very day i think i've yet to comprehend trust. and learn to completely give my heart to anyone.
that may be the very reason for so many transient relationships, including friendships. i don't think i've ever learned to give myself completely to anyone besides my kids.

and so i've come to learn that the present solitude is merely reliving that moment. to retreat from any human connection. it's not a bad thing given i've come to see the wisdom of buddhist principles. they are the only thing which make sense in such flux around me. i m learning to mindfully focus on the present moments and ride each one out. this is the only way to reach my final state free of everything in heart, mind and soul.

the path of least resistance

that was the previous name of my blog when things were in its apparent harmony. having found a partner to settle down with and making future plans for marriage. it was an age of aquarius.

of course this has so far been the reverse with upheavals and well, let's just say best laid plans gone awry. but that again was a concerted choice so it's futile going back there again.

i've been riveted by the writing of aaron sorkin in the newsroom of late (few good men, west wing) and he has the dialogue and human dynamics down pat. namely how age doesn't determine one's management of emotions, namely in relationships. here's a protagonist with a slew of career highs and lows and he gets out of every spat with dignity and self-respect, yet his dealing with an ex who had cheated on him continues to plague him to the point of irrational behaviour and juvenile regression. fascinating and spot-on.

what i relate most is the intellectual engagement or should i say, fixation on our proverbial challenges rather than stepping back to sort out what is 'really bothering you.' i've used logic often to escape from feelings and perhaps that bites me in the ass when you don't deal with it soon enough. my latest break up being a perfect fuck up. i spent more than a year rationalising the reasons to stay rather than the emotions. i had long 'lost that loving feeling' and i reasoned that sometimes relationships do not require that. one can actually develop the bond and not be actually 'in' love. that maybe the case when you're in a business partnership but sacrifice and effort requires a lot deeper considerations. see, even here i've used consideration and not feelings.

so by the time i acknowledged that i didn't really love her but more i was used to having her around my life, i realised the superego had long taken reigns of this direction, wanting to keep her for my stability rather than to be prepared to give of myself, go the long haul to accomodate her expectations and goals, values even, it takes so much more rather than to just go along with everything which makes sense.

i guess i'll look back some day and really acknowledge the learning curve. for now it just fluctuates from guilt to missing, but that again is completely exclusive from love. love escapes me really. and maybe a large part is from never really allowing it to happen, everything hitherto has been a whole lot of self-convincing and moderation. i don't think i really know love at all, as one joni mitchell once postulated.

things which make you go hmmm

so the month has been intense on both work and home front. but unlike before, i'm gradually learning to manage the past sadness and future fears. it takes a lot to quell but i suppose no one said meditation was easy.

the car has proven to be a bit of a worry because it has issues of pick-up and the battery connection wonky. hope to sort it out tmr and well, i'll just leave it to the good hands of grace. at this point it's all bout trust.if i get screwed over well that's how the world works. trying to fix the behaviour of others is really a futile pursuit. like i read somewhere, it is our choice to feel suffering, a torn does not cause suffering but stepping on it does. it isn't the fault of the thorn.

4 more weeks and i will find myself in a foreign land.i'm looking forward to anything that comes from that, even the challenges. even if i dont return it wouldn't matter because i've made my peace with everything here. there is a divinity which shapes our ends, and whatever the outcome it must be inevitable. good people die all the time. it isn't karma, it just is.

the kids are really becoming wonderful little young adults. i hear them converse about profound concerns other than school or friends or least of all pop stars. they arent the average teen that way.i never dumb down anything for their benefit, never have. jo was trying to encourage jil to re-connect with a childhood sweetheart of sorts on twitter and with gentle persuasion it worked. their dynamics is heartwarming like that. jil relies on her sister's quiet confidence and optimism while jo depends on her sister's grounded reason. they are going to be alright.
anyway i put this together early for jo's sweet16 just in case of timing or circumstance.

and even if seoul doesn't pan out for some reason, i'm going to throw her a little something special probably at beats' to make it sweet =]

prana

a strange heaviness hangs deep. i guess i'm still processing the week's challenge. it was a long week in more ways than one. first it was the shocker about Ah Sim, whose name i only found out from my neighbour. i can't put my finger on the grief except that she was a sort of light-angel to me. everytime we met even briefly in the lift, she uplifted my spirits with her genuine smile and calm demeanour. i craved that especially in the dark moments of my life. so to see her face on her coffin was both shocking and sad. i had seen her just last week sitting alone staring into space like she was  waiting for someone. perhaps she knew. it's really mysterious.


and by the end of the week i had my own version of catharsis, well perhaps more an insight into what i was doing all wrong.
i had spent the week trying to make amends for how i hurt her, maybe the misguided notion that by spending time with her and running favours and errands, we will eventually reconcile our differences and work towards repair. but i hadn't been completely honest with myself because i harboured expectations that this would in fact be the outcome when on her side she probably just wanted to spend time with me with no forward intentions. something like that. so when i let slip in a moment of sentiment that i loved her, it was responded by 'what's the point?' which is probably a fitting summary to this push-pull emotions or deluded sense of second chances.

the fact remained that no matter what we try to do we would never change to fit each other's personalities and values. so hanging on in this strange relationship of not quite lovers but still exclusive friends made things even more vague and confusing. she of course did not understand this as she sees things very simplistically, i.e you can still be ordinary friends even if we had barely broken up a month ago.

but i know internally i wasn't happy and i feared cycles of hurt from such a dangerously close friendship with deep emotional needs and trust which bordered on a partnership but without the 'benefits'. it became clear to me that we were both doing this for very different reasons. her from wanting to still have me as a close dependable friend with kids she adored and me from the deluded hope of getting back together even if instinctively i knew was a bad idea so it probably came from need rather than want.

ok so i sorted it out and by wednesday night i thought it was time to make a clean break, cold turkey even it sent her to a very dark place of hurt and anger. i'm sure in time this would be a sound decision because languishing in this manner was only going to build resentment on my part. who needs this when i've already things to sort out in my own healing?

anyway, i do feel a dull numb feeling of blah but i'm trying to fix myself through mindful breathing and focusing on what's out there. first i have to settle my finances and admin for the new car, then i  have a few new teaching assignments, and the kids' exams ahead which will require supervision and tlc, and my day job with their exams ahead, and that longawaited nepal trip and then seoul in december. there are real things to plan ahead so emotionally i really do not need to engage with the past anymore. with each detachment comes and acceptance and with that true healing.

and maybe for xmas i will reward myself with a left inner wrist tattoo to remind myself of my light and inner strength:


it is a tribal lotus with the inscribed prana meaning life-force in sanskrit

ah well, it's going to be all right. i will really have to work on my inner disciplines of mindfulness and attainment. a day at a time

So im abt to make a major decision on sat involving half my savings. Im stoked but also apprehensive. Im sure i will have my share of regrets but im at a threshold of a major crossroad which i want to be positive abt.
 
On this first day of august i have resolved to let go of every single thing in my past n look forward to improvements. Even if i royally screw up the mistakes will be my own to relearn from.n then i can truly say i have made real progress and grown up. No more second guessing. No more minefields of perceived fear.every mindful step to a better me.

timely reminders

last night she laid another guilt bomb by telling me how she was feeling alienated by the latest activities of the family, and then suddenly becoming completely absorbed in getting a dog and accompanying accessories not unlike procuring a child from a third-world economy. i do wonder if this is some form of over-compensation. and of course not before laying another bible-inspired line on me which smacked of the sanctimonious crap which tore us apart.

but these are good reminders to ground me to my resolve. i should not budge from what i had decided a month ago. it has to remain this way because much as there's emotional depth and loyalty, the relationship can never be.so i shouldn't allow that invisible thread to continue holding us together. i should simply not be emotionally involved in any way, despite the gifts and attention. i will have to do this for both of us. a complete cold turkey.

moving forward

it's been a good weekend all around. always when the kids are over.
we had a nice cozy dinner which turned out to be a first in honest sharing.i spoke freely about the break up and they were disarmingly perceptive and mature about everything.it's like i gained two new older friends in a sitting. it was sweet and i totally look forward to more times like these.

then we had a good dinner with the immediately family at beat's restaurant. von looked like a mother whose kid was graduating. she radiated so much pride its a pity she can't come out to herself about this.i'm sure it would change everything.

got home and she was chatting tearily. saying she missed us, esp the kids after seeing their pic on fb. i'm just baffled by how things are. i don't even know where to start. i'm just about ready to start my life over without her but it's hard when we still keep abreast of our daily routines. a part of my really doesn't want to know because it hurts to find out how i've been replaced, but she continues to extend her care and attention like we were still tgt except without the expectations. this could be a good thing but it may also be hindering our progress in self-healing.

in quiet moments i do miss her, and what we had. but in the same token i feel liberated from pleasing someone else in my decisions or the guilt of disappointments. like going to nepal in sept has been my lifelong dream and esp so now when i need to find my center. alone. this wouldn't be possible if we were commited to speinding time tgt. i guess i just need my away time from life.regroup and just find my harmony.

till then, i don't know how to move forward. it's hard and rough on certain days but bearable in others. she is the go-to person when i need to unload or share. it's instinct. yet it may also be detrimental to learning how to be alone.

its strange seeing her nowadays.i feel a mix of sadness and calm.sad because we cant seem to erase the past but calm because at least now we can relate w/o the anger or edge.
i dont know how i feel at this point. i mean i want to just run back to her arms but i dont want to start a new cycle of need.it's like my cousin said i shouldn't confuse loneliness for missing. and i read an article which said its hard to move on when u still comm online. it perpetuates the harmony but also stunts the progress of being no longer in a r/s. its a weird limbo

i know i do enjoy my freedom and doing the things i cant when we were together. it helps me come back to myself. but that feeling of something missing hovers. i dont want it to so i try not to comm where possible, but shes always the first one it think abt when i want to share smth. maybe im not ready to completely let go.

i just want things to stay harmonious. we have that now more than ever before and i find that i can be with her without all the expectations. its like a good friendship but without the benefits or commitment. yet it pains me when she is possibly going out or talking with people who may want more from her. i dont know. i just want this stagnant feeling to go away. i dont sleep well too when that bugs me too much. i need sleep .i feel like a fucking zombie w a really bad headache.

actual time of death.now

so last night in a possible beer-induced sentiment, i told her what i really felt.that i regretted throwing the r/s away and wanted to work on starting over, being my most honest and raw about how i felt.no more walls,no more pretences of caring when it was really about getting back.

of course in life this would be a forgone conclusion, unlike the inane onscreen romances. she put out a whole list of reasons why we need to work on ourselves, like there is a timeline of self-improvement so unrealistic i wanted to yell in exasperation. two people only need to love each other enough to work a compromise of acceptance, not go through some long-drawn journey of changing your values and inherent character. this is messed up. if we had to do this for every r/s we wld end up seriously bi-polar. A meets B, they fall in love, they are very different but they love each other anyway. isn't that a fucking simple equation?

so i crashed in the middle of this back-and-forth because i was so physically n mentally drained. by this morning clarity hit me. this has become ridiculous. plain and simple, i just want to start over, not by changing my default self, but by adjusting to her needs. she on the other hand awaits a miracle that i will become her ideal mate who believes in the same things she does. so it has become so obvious that love really isn't enough. something i subscribed to but apparently in our human realm its fucking bollocks.

so in sheer tiredness i have officially given up. love is love. it will fade in time, as it did many r/s before. we can't cling on to that last remnance of that love will see it through because unlike the inane onscreen romances which seldom develops the ever after, real-life r/s wakes up and sees that once again, love isn't fucking enough.

friends and lovers

the old adage holds true -- you can't be friends with ex-lovers. its too hard. there will always be undercurrents of past hurts or future fears of hurt.

that said i will have to teach myself the fine art of maintaining permanent distance. it's only for my own peace and harmony.i want to stop feeling so wrought or affected by another person. it's not healthy or sound.

today as i trundled in my self-imposed misery, an old woman with a severe bold-legged condition ambled painfully in front of me. i wondered how she lived with this prolonged suffering. did she accept her infirmity as a sum of all parts? makes you think.

daily mantra

admittedly this has been a long painful journey. i have moved forward only to take two steps back. i am really tired inside because all that pretence of healing can sometimes drain your resolve.
everyone thinks i am coping well, maybe because i want them to think that so i dont feel pitied. i hate pity more than anything else.
so i've withdrawn a lot when i can and i suppose my private pain will remain as it were.

i just want to fade into a quiet place of oblivion. it is less tiring.
----

she came over this evening bearing food to comfort me. i felt both grateful but sad. we still care abt each other but it just makes the situation sadder because i know the love is no longer the same. i don't want to lose her, but i don't want at this point to be her pity project either. we should completely be away  from each other or together. i can't see how i can keep things simple with this r/s when i still feel deeply for her. it's tormenting to be close yet so far with no future of any reconciliation. making peace is easy at this point, but it doesnt change that deep sadness of not having the relationship as it was before. i feel torn. to walk away for ever, or to languish in this unspoken pain.

i just want to be numb. to stop feeling. why does it still hurt?

getting back to me

so i'm feeling a lot more centered these days. i know this because i am feeling less edgy or easily angered. take yst for e.g when i was cut at the intersection too many times and when i find out that i can't get that vehicle due to ridiculous MAS ruling. it's insane to cough upfront for a 5y.o car even if it was ideal for transporting bike, kids,dog.

i have become more accepting of things around me too. it is pointless to get mad at things you can't change or be upset that people are going to behave in a certain manner. it is their choice and right. i respect that and will just shrug and move on.

moving on is something which takes training and acceptance. it is hard but i am getting there. in the meantime, i focus on what's positive around me. starting with my work day, making students see the beauty in good writing, in appreciating their education more one narrative at a time. they respond positively when you channel your light in everything you do. you inspire when you're inspiring, simple as that.

at home i try to keep things simple. meals, cleanliness, time with the pooch, read, watch, play. all about moments. never dwell. just do and be. it helps to keep me mindful that every moment is harmony. with the kids it will be even better coz now i can focus on being there for them in any way possible, run errands, bring them for meals. it's all good. i feel like i'm back to me again in 2007 when i managed all this on my own and made the home a lovely place to live in.

that's all i need from here on really. of course with the occasional treat to self and kids which make the income meaningful. eventually i can really come back to who i love about myself and then i will live life better, calmer, surer.

the storm has passed

so after a week of serious grieving and gut-wrenching moments of self-knowledge, i have begun to breathe and eat a little more. i've dropped 5kg but its a good weight and i should try to maintain it because at least i dont feel too sluggish or uncomfortable around the girth.

it helped having the kids around the weekend. they are such lovely darlings. something about them has grown up and i can relate so much better than their tween years. they've become so insightful and brilliant individuals with hearts of gold. just thinking of them now makes my heart swell it hurts.

things between j n i are a lot calmer and we've both gone through our personal hells but it's good. it's going to get better as long as we continue to focus on healing ourselves. we've both hurt and been hurt and the only way to get through this is to forgive each other and ourselves. it takes time and a lot of will sometimes but that's what a journey of healing requires.

i have taken much solace in buddhist philosophy and tried to apply it where possible. it's not that i've abandoned my beliefs in god but i am going to assume he can speak through any medium if the source is with pure intentions to better oneself. i especially subscribe to focusing on the present good. it makes everything else dissolve into irrelavance and helps me move forward, while reveling in the good memories about everything in our lives. those are really fulfilling and complete and timeless. it brings us back to who we love about ourselves in relation to our loved ones.

so from here on i will try to live my purpose here as far as i can and in as fruitful a way as possible. starting with being a better mom, teacher and friend. the partner that i will be with deserves the best of me.

rebirth renewal regroup

i love these words. they capture exactly how i feel these days about life.

first up i truly want to reconnect with my inner peace. the grounded sense of being right with myself spiritually. i've gotten a tatt to symbolise this journey and a constant reminder to slow down and breathe. it will be my motto till the end light


i want to purchase this car to renew whatever bad stuff that was associated with the old one. the handle's off, the a/c is iffy and the spoilers are well, spoilt haha too many mishaps with the bad curb jobs and you have a scuffed left rim and a rattling noise.
 

i especially like this model and colour because they represent what i want to be -- strong, sturdy and bright, with white as purity and light. my light. i shall christen it, 'आभा' or Abha which means splendour or light. but its street name shall be Yuki 雪 (snow in japanese haha). i esp like the carplate which SJJ6960I = my two girls' initials, my birth year and month and I of course

i want to regroup in terms of my focus in life. i once told myself two years ago that this would be the kids and myself. well it was a sound way of living and i will start with focusing on buddhism, it's philosophies truly speak deeply to me with its pragmatic wisdom, starting with imbibing these two very useful books:

they will provide guidance in my path to harmony and centering myself.

so here's to salvaging the rest of 2013 with a semblance of strength. emotionally i am drained but at least mentally and spiritually i will recharge.

i am ready.
anyday now
i am done
just go

make the pain go away.please

time of death, 6.45am 7/7/13

so last night i packed her things coz i needed to keep busy after the final blow up which left me numb and tired. this morning a part of me thought i'd just go up to her home first to see how things were before i unloaded her stuff.
but seeing how she chucked my dad's cake box and base in the boot (she could've slid it into the back seat) left a very horrible feeling in my tummy. it was mean and uncalled for. he has nothing to do with how our r/s has become. even if last night i let her know every single thought of her, there was  no need to behave that way.

i drove home with a sense of release. i'm sure i will grieve the loss of the r/s but in time not the loss of her as a partner. she was good with the kids but she didn't grasp what they really needed. she assumed a lot which besides her pride, was her need to assimilate the family as best she could. too bad that is also the reason we fell apart. the very thing i hoped for in a partner turned out to be bad for the r/s

of course there were other unresolvable issues like our differing faith and personalities. we wanted this to work but at the expense of what we loved about ourselves, causing us to become so unhappy. r/s are about compromise but not to the point when you start having so much self-doubt in what you believed in before. it's really for the better in the long run if we don't want to insidiously ruin each other emotionally and psychologically.

well, as bunny so pragmatically put, there are other fishes in the sea. overused cliche but as always weighted with wisdom. my rejoinder, i'm not interested in fishing anymore haha. and reallly tired to add.

more than anything right now i want to break away from repeated patterns of codependency. a relationship should never be a need, nor should it define who you are. i want to spend the rest of my life reprogramming a cycle of need which often blinds the effort in a r/s. it takes so much more than to try and  please another person. that was what became of us. we weren't loving, but pleasing. this often leads to both expectations and subsequent disappointment. the r/s was fraying from that and we didn;t or couldn't see it.

so from here on i want to focus on achieving that absolute peace from self-sufficiency, much like my motto years ago when i was on my road to healing. the mantra: numb, neutral needing nothing was really a good way to go. and then i can truly love who i am again, let go of the guilt and blame.

decisions 2

it's been a rough emotional month but i don't want to revisit any of it.
instead i want to focus on future projects and plans which will not require anything other than practical considerations, and money.lots of it, maybe it i keep chanting it will fall on my lap

• a new vehicle
• a new kitchen
• a good family holiday
• new appliances

that's all we do. materialistic concerns, no different from the old days of Miller's plays which i've been reading of late. our country isn't any different. we'd trade so much of our soul for the things we cant take with us to the other side

so hows this for daydreaming?

be mine

putting up with put downs

this week has been especially rough. at least to my self-worth. never in my life have i been made to see how inadequate i am as a partner and how i don't measure up to expectations of one, coupled with a comparison of my maturity to her previous partners who were decades younger than me.
in one fell swoop i was made to address how i've fallen short of taking good care of her and how the burden was mostly on her.

all i was left with was an empty shell of relevance. i had not done enough, and worse, added grief to her life by being so volatile and self-absorbed, for being perpetually 10 which used to be a joke but isn't funny anymore. it simply means i'm both emotionally and psychologically crippled as a partner and have really nothing to offer other than my sense of humour (also waning) and what used to be endearing traits have become hurtful and tiresome.

so what's left? honestly at this point all i see before me are shadows and a futile journey towards more heartbreak. im starting to believe i'm incapable of really loving another person other than my own kids. perhaps i've been denying that too long. i find myself in such uncertain places when it comes to dealing with another person in the long haul. the initial romance gives way to unresolved conflicts, broken communication and so so much suffering. and then we salvage, start over, only to return to that same painful place. it's cyclical and honestly fucking draining. i find myself fluctuating in wait after these breakdwons because for days i'd feel too gutted to put anything in my system.

right now i just want to move forward on my own terms, with very simple goals of living like a quiet brook, without drama, without upheavals, nary a need to reconstruct what i had spent a lifetime honing as time-honoured values. this includes what i can affirm as being right with the way i raise the kids and how i relate to them as both mother and friend. i want to bring them on two more holidays at least, to japan after jo's o levels and korea after jil's o levels and jo's a levels.
these are realistic goals independent of a partner. and if i think about it, why do i need a partner to achieve these goals? i've been doing these things solo long enough to create beautiful memories. tokyo will always be my milestone of maternal independence in a foreign land, and looking at the momentos the shrubs have kept i'm sure it was significant in their own private experiences.

so i've resolved from here on not to collapse under the possibly subjective perception of another's judgement. everyone has standards and it is their right to want their partners to measure up. likewise i've also a wishlist which i think deep down i know will never be fulfilled but i continue to hope. perhaps it's also time to stop wishing and simply learn to live with singlehood. and once that happens, the healing begins, and i will realise i am really worthy of love, and whoever comes along is equally deserving of that love.

latest update: we are working things out but putting intimacy on hold. that to me is like being besties.
i think we will someday have to come to terms that maybe we function best as good friends or friends with benefits. but nothing beyond or in between...it's getting too hard anyway

numb.

have spent a good week evaluating myself to death and i've come to terms with who/what i am

1. i thrive best when i rely on self. that way i have no expectations / disappointments
2. it was my destiny to have kids because unlike partners, they are your flesh and blood and instinctively you will love them unconditionally and this has made me less self-involved
3. i spent the last 25 years trying to find that ideal mate who could accept me for who i am but it was a lot harder to do the reverse, hence a chain of relationships which broke down because i was never able to really give of myself / trust / accomodate. maybe that explains why i was told that comparatively i failed to take care of her as well as her previous partners. it cuts deeply but as they say, you need to be cruel to be kind.
4. i want to spend the rest of my life atoning for that but i fear the old habits will kick in and i will retreat to that bubble where i feel safe from hurt or betrayal
5. i love my kids and dog because they represent what i feel right about myself when with them i truly love who i am
6. presently, i don't always love who i am when my partner makes me feel like i have fallen short of being adequate for her needs. this tears me inside and upsets that inner harmony which keeps me from being self-destructive. perhaps that's what they mean by dysfunction.
7.  i feel disconnected from people most of the time because they baffle me with their inane views of the universe or they do not apply their god-given intellect. this makes me socially a snob and it's something i'm not proud of, yet it grounds me to some form of order and sense which is both calming and comforting

so there it is. as brutally honest and without malice. i am who i am and i can't explain it any clearer. for that reason, i never expect anyone who isn't related to me to ever grasp or accept that. if that is possibly the cause of all my break downs in relationships then it is a fate i will live with till my last breath.

----
mummy's death anniversary today also reminds me to keep it real for the kids

looking at this pic brings back a time of innocence and joy. i really want to channel this for myself and not think of the bad stuff associated with childhood. i know she loved me dearly but at times was helpless to deal with my personality. i know i can be as strong as she was in managing her challenges. that strength will live on through me in the face of adversity.

editing and turning the page.

so why have i changed the name of this blog?
simply as the name suggests because that's what i hope this will be from here on.
i need to make a dramatic shift in how i exist.

i dont want to live in the past but move forward to a calmer existence. one focused on finishing up what has so far been a challenging 44 years. i turn 44 in a few days and i need a zeitgeist of sorts.

i've made such a royal mess of the past decades so i just want the journey from now on to be mindful and glitch-free. it's a choice. i will assert my path of free will. on my own terms.
no more second-guessing every decision. just letting it lead me to that heavenly respite i so seek.

june you loon

this bd month has been a crapper. other than a needed respite in taiwan everything else has been a series of suck

1. broken tooth
2. stolen wallet
3. jo's passport issues
4. more teething problems

how shall i respond?

1. fuck all
2. fuck all
3. fuck all
4. fuck all

to no offence to buddhists, i think that's a mantra i could chant until my last breath. shit will find its way no matter how you react. so yup please burn the house down and wreck the car and lose my job and i can then say with conviction that i don't need to be here living this out anymore

and maybe 5. heartbreak. yay my life

ketchup.catchup

haha nonsensical title but i guess i think of the kids when i think of ketchup. everything i cooked when they were growing up involved that condiment at some point.

anyway it's been a wonderful week with them even if mostly playing chaffuer. it's those drives which allow for us to update each other on our latest episodes of comedy and little upsetting moments. we rant, we laugh but mostly we listen.

the other day after dinner while getting groceries, ducky broke into a dorky sway-dance despite a long tiring school day and bunny rolled her eyes while i guffawed too loudly. we felt free and somewhat ineffably right with life and each other. the comfort level, the honest sharing, the old familiar bliss of being together like this, doing the banal but calming routines, now including buying feminine products, seeing how they're two young ladies, learning so much more about their changes.

i asked what they'd do if left for a week to fend for themselves and jo said she'd try to include veges and jil said she's worry about whether there was enough money to manage for a week. haha it's funny how they are so different and yet that chemistry assures me they'd get on well together and somewhat take good care of each other, even if in mock-indifference. i love how they just gel in a strangely workable symbiosis of nag and ignore, much like a perfect marriage. i see them being together even if they get married or have their own kids, they'd still have each other's back.

then while we had car trouble with a bent key which later we jested about how even my key isn't straight, jo disarmingly pointed how i managed my anger with such things a lot better than before, how i breathed and looked for solutions rather than react. and we all said a concerted prayer about sorting things out and she went on to tell me about her jaunt with the mrs at church and applied the message she took away about how God answers prayers not at our pace or time, haha here's my little missy preaching and applying. i couldn't feel prouder nor relieved that she's finding her own way spiritually.

i find myself taking furtive glances at them, feeling this deep swell in my heart that these two little women have made such leaps in their lives. duckie is coming into her own in self-assurance (she tells me about how her friends laugh at her jokes) and bunny is becoming this well-focused individual whom i have no qualms about a precise ambition (possibly amassing obscene amounts of wealth). that said, i also see how they will look out for each other, jo being jil's moral compass while jill takes care of business. it's all i can ever want as a mom. they are and always will be my life's greatest blessings.

re-writing the narrative

today at the gym while catching my breath by the window after a session of kickboxing, i notice a hummingbird going about its business so busily, you know how small these creatures are so its fascinating to actually catch one in action. it went about its days like the world didnt matter around it, just fixated on its task for whatever its instincts required. this to me is a sound lesson on mindfulness, such wonderful purpose in simplicity when humanity has complicated things too much and to mostly futile ends, i might add.

so after a week of solitude i've learned the best way to deal with setbacks:
first you shouldn't channel any universal explanations to why you're in a rut. it just is. no entity is playing you nor is this some part of a perverse divine plan. i strongly believe that somedays one's timing is just out of wack, and you may miss the bus by 10sec or you may get caught in a jam by deciding to detour last minute, or maybe you reach a place only to have the lift repaired by a minute...these things happen, nothing is controlling the wheel of your er, fortune. so in an existential moment, the rest of your day may be determined by a whole chain of events possibly linked in a xeno's paradox sort of way where you have no real control of except to let each moment unravel. it sounds a little convoluted but that best explains things in reason rather than spiritual or emotional responses.

and once you're riding the predicament, don't fret or let your mind become fuzzy. nor succumb to a self-imposed state of existential crisis, but keep a presence of mind and talk yourself through the measures of rectification. the latest the episode of recovering items in my stolen wallet is like a quest no different from an online game. one at a time, no haste, just within a pace you can manage, as a choice, not a compulsion. that way you don't get all flustered by the rest of humanity but simply write your own narrative and not let others control it for you.

in all things take solace that you still give a toss. most people would blame, run or essentially try to find a reason for everything, or convince themselves a higher order is persecuting them or teaching them. most likely i believe it is just our own soul or conscience if you like which teaches us. it is an untapped source of wisdom which grounds us to sense and calm. we ought to tune in more often and perhaps gain some form of control to avert bad choices.

so i have learned much more about my own strengths than i possibly thought i could. every little roadblock is not perceived as one but like a game, an opportunity to rely on my inner wisdom to grow and become self-sufficient as a result. it's funny how when giving my police statement, i was asked at least 3 times who i lived with and by the third reply that i lived alone, i heard my soul say, you go girl, you have become such an impermeably independent soul that there is absolutely nothing you can't do on your own, and still lend your strength to others.i've never been a cry baby even from young and i remember the absolute joy procuring my first racer bike and tearing down the island from east to west even at 15yo because the freedom and autonomy of not relying on anyone to get me places was indescribable.

 i had written my own narrative up till my 44th bd and will go on to do same until my last breath, which i know will also be a chapter i will complete on my own, on my own terms.

afterthought: this may also explain why in my entire dating history it has been my independent and confident (resilient even) spirit which had drawn them. even if they want to take care of me, they know they don't need to.  some fell away as a result of this because they felt redundant. perhaps that is the reason why i am most at peace when alone, because i need not explain this to anyone, that i love who i am and what i have made myself to be.

june hols are upon us.

So i don't completely waste away, here's a to-do list:

1. get tooth extraction sorted out 
2. have a kickass vacay in taichung 
3. read AMS 
4. seek alternative vehicle options
5. spend quality time w kids when they arent in school 
6. get wedding items like decor, dress for her n band also for her 
7. go on beach walks w pooch coz she is getting neurotic

--------

vividly i dreamt i was driving a convertible with a ciggy on my right and lexi riding shotgun. we were heading nowhere, just endless open roads. that is a perfect world, perhaps symbolic of my last journey into truth and light. if only i had a look at the number plate...

i've lost so much this month. my front tooth, my wallet, my faith in anything good in humanity. i think 44 has a lot more riding in its portent. 

life drops a shitload on your head and i say bring it, make it a boulder this time.

the distance is insurmountable. maybe like everything false in life we beguile ourselves with manufactured forms of happiness. all i want is to bottle that artless laughter of the children when they still were. that perhaps is the closest thing to unadulterated bliss.

meanderings on a late evening

hot dress.nipple tape.damn good visual.nuff said

i think i should die on a plain of mochi and fenyuan

there are days i wish i could literally sprout wings or gills. either way it'd be trippy in more ways than one

i have not been drinking. my baileys has been frozen since last june. it's not the same when you're drinking out of fatigue

i hope that the kids won't end up in toxic relationships and if they do they will climb out of them with dignity and grace

sometimes i wish i had smaller boobs so i could fit better in sports bras and tees. if anything boob fat is very unpleasant when trying to do certain yoga poses

 i turn 44 in a month. in means nothing other than a year close to paradise

yst i looked at my students and felt a mix of jaded and pity. i don't see them going very far with such internally defeatous attitudes and yet i know this country is not for failure. do i care?not entirely because they will have to exact the change they want to be.

---
the camera adds pounds haha well that and food adds pounds too.ok diet i shall abd will lose the pong and nua by year end

a love letter to my babies before my 44th (just in case, it's not an auspicious number haha)

 

dearest jo
when you came into my life 16 years ago i knew i had found my purpose after 28 years of wandering. i felt whole and right with myself. everyday i looked forward to seeimg your lovely mug. your impish smile. you were the centre of my universe.  i treasured seeing things through your eyes, your inventive spirit, your cheeky expressions whenever you discovered new experiences. i recall the day you took more than a sip from my iced latte, half of it endimg on your tanktop while you cupped it furtively in your chubby hands. that distinctive grin. your eyes crinkled to two little crests. i wanted us to be like this forever. you had so much pluck in your little form since the incubator. i knew you were an awesome little soul. i watched you transform from day to day. from strength to strength. always curious. always a surprise at every turn. my heart swelled so much it hurt. you lived through so many challenges physically, expressed so quietly your every moment of learning. i will never trade those years for anything in the world. and now you remain that amazing soul. but with such wisdom and sublime confidence i still feel my heart swell. you dont know this because we have drifted since you moved out. but timelessly, i see my little duckie in there. that same smile. that staggering perceptiveness. that sweet loving heart which never fails to move me when you show such deep consideration for others. you are my proudest work yet.

dearest jill 

you were from the start a ray of light, timely at a crossroad of my youth. at 30, i was ready for change. a new found confidence which at points were twinged with doubt. but your presence was both illuminating and provided much amusement to a phase of private pain. with you in our lives, it added new purpose and dynamics. you complemented your sis while you were astoundingly unique. and through you i watched jo take on a whole new facet of attributes, sometimes naggy and pedantic but mostly endearing. together i felt our dynamics grow and become something significant in the next decade of my life. both of you grounded me in a volatile decade of flux of painful choices but ultimately necessary. through that you struggled privately to grapple with the difficult years. but still you coped alone, sometimes with jo. and in all that you were troopers. you always were a trooper. your tears few while you always remained unhinged. you were the best and worst part of my heartbreaks but always the lovely sister.clown.comedian.flower.

we are defined by our spaces

in the swelter of morning assembly, a colleague and i were discussing how the 35 degree heat last night left a lot to be desired, mostly sleep and comfort. he lamented how his air-con has overloaded and being on a low floor, no breeze flowed through his apartment. this led to a full on rant about living here with inflation and unmatched salaries which made us live hand to mouth in some cases. well maybe more paycheck to paycheck but you get the idea.

i don't know why our generation remains here other than for our families or loved ones. maybe it's the insufferably unimaginative way our living spaces are constructed. they look drab and in that confined constructs add to a sense of downtrodden malaise.

take my workspace for example. i surround myself with wonderful momentos and wire in to music only to block out the fact that its toilet-like structure only adds to its alienating maze.

there are work places like this one in Birmingham which is welcoming to the senses unlike the polyclinic looking campus of ajc


i recall running to the beach at least once a week after work to regroup and it helped regain semblance of sanity.but the trouble is it's insane to even step out to the beach these days at the risk of a heatstroke
so even if i had some pretentious beachfront abode at sentosa cove it'd hardly be this tranquil and soothing


so what's a 40smth to do at the crossroads of her life?
If i stayed on it'll only be till the kids are done with uni and on their way to work. then what? why maintain an unbearably banal life here defined by our spaces, which we all know in this country is either a cubicle or shoebox apartment or both? how is that even quality of life?

and who's to say i can't be living one year to the next in a different country? why the need to confine ourselves to one space? one job which you'll do for the rest of your life?
all these proverbial questions can only mean my soul is just waiting for an expedient moment to burst out and free itself. and i know it's not too far in the distant future. it's only a matter of time, and timing.



and for now i am content with virtual spaces hahah! one million mark and now i'm ready to let go and guess what? no fanfare or special rewards despite crossing 1mil. this game really blows no wonder it's closing down

 r.i.p simscity june 2012-jun2 2013 =,[