this week has been especially rough. at least to my self-worth. never in my life have i been made to see how inadequate i am as a partner and how i don't measure up to expectations of one, coupled with a comparison of my maturity to her previous partners who were decades younger than me.
in one fell swoop i was made to address how i've fallen short of taking good care of her and how the burden was mostly on her.
all i was left with was an empty shell of relevance. i had not done enough, and worse, added grief to her life by being so volatile and self-absorbed, for being perpetually 10 which used to be a joke but isn't funny anymore. it simply means i'm both emotionally and psychologically crippled as a partner and have really nothing to offer other than my sense of humour (also waning) and what used to be endearing traits have become hurtful and tiresome.
so what's left? honestly at this point all i see before me are shadows and a futile journey towards more heartbreak. im starting to believe i'm incapable of really loving another person other than my own kids. perhaps i've been denying that too long. i find myself in such uncertain places when it comes to dealing with another person in the long haul. the initial romance gives way to unresolved conflicts, broken communication and so so much suffering. and then we salvage, start over, only to return to that same painful place. it's cyclical and honestly fucking draining. i find myself fluctuating in wait after these breakdwons because for days i'd feel too gutted to put anything in my system.
right now i just want to move forward on my own terms, with very simple goals of living like a quiet brook, without drama, without upheavals, nary a need to reconstruct what i had spent a lifetime honing as time-honoured values. this includes what i can affirm as being right with the way i raise the kids and how i relate to them as both mother and friend. i want to bring them on two more holidays at least, to japan after jo's o levels and korea after jil's o levels and jo's a levels.
these are realistic goals independent of a partner. and if i think about it, why do i need a partner to achieve these goals? i've been doing these things solo long enough to create beautiful memories. tokyo will always be my milestone of maternal independence in a foreign land, and looking at the momentos the shrubs have kept i'm sure it was significant in their own private experiences.
so i've resolved from here on not to collapse under the possibly subjective perception of another's judgement. everyone has standards and it is their right to want their partners to measure up. likewise i've also a wishlist which i think deep down i know will never be fulfilled but i continue to hope. perhaps it's also time to stop wishing and simply learn to live with singlehood. and once that happens, the healing begins, and i will realise i am really worthy of love, and whoever comes along is equally deserving of that love.
latest update: we are working things out but putting intimacy on hold. that to me is like being besties.
i think we will someday have to come to terms that maybe we function best as good friends or friends with benefits. but nothing beyond or in between...it's getting too hard anyway
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