channeling the convent schoolgirl

so it's been a rather hectic work month with end of term deadlines and exam preps. it's funny in that fray we can find time to be distracted, or maybe distractions will find you haha.

i've had a slight crush on my vp for awhile but i didn't think much of it than a transitory projection of amusement.then there are recent developments which have successful made some space in my mind,not always a good timing but well, these things have their own way of doing that.

something unexpected yet a part of me doesn't want to make much of it because as i've learned it only spells suffering from disappointment, something we can well avoid in our spiritual journey.in any case, i've been encouraged by colleagues though i know that is just me seeking for approval to do something impulsive, not unlike my adolescent infatuations. but it does keep me amused and less numb about life in general so we'll just take things as they come.

will keep this posted.if anything, if not. whatever will be.

dawn

so this weekend i've given myself a really good respite, besides the usual errands and a gym session, i lay flat a lot more than usual, not in a lazing way but short power naps to recharge mentally everytime i felt the urge. that's really how i should treat my body. not resist the natural call to rest as i used to. it helped that i had the solitude and felt more withdrawn than usual. i don't see the need to keep up platitudes with friends when i think we've become more comfortable updating each other online. besides i needed some time-out from mindless conversations.

this week was especially awesome in the elements. the moon for one was awesomely large and i'm so glad i bought that DSLR to capture it with justice

i remember how i had just decided to take a walk on a whim and there it was, coupled with a warm breeze that made the moment perfect.
that's exactly how i'd like to spend my days, thought-free, childlike appreciation for the simple pleasures of food and nature. it never really went away since i was a kid. i recall just going off on my little bike alone to discover the marvels of nature.days just passed like that, time was never hours but quick moments of joy. i want to be like this again.education has brought me thought but also taken away my simple appreciations.

and desire has become a sort of distraction. i'm learning to eliminate that in paces. i think our ego is a really potentially destructive force. it feeds our vanity and self-serving nature. at most we could just accept the attention and then exhale it as gratitude and goodwill. if it helps another feel an apparent sense of fulfillment, then so be it.nothing should come of it other than a moment of acknowledgement.because attempting to pursue or follow-up is not only self-destructive but possible damaging to the other's ego.so none of it.
need nothing,stay neutral n numb.

arrivals, departures

this would sum up my year so far. it occurred to me while waiting for a plane last week how life is like an airport. we spend so much of our time waiting for that new chapter only to realise we shouldn't be waiting at all. it should be about living each moment completely and mindfully without looking forward or backward.

and this was the exact adage which made my entire trip a lot more gratifying. i really didnt have a plan besides getting on that plane. when i got there, i simply let the day take me. met this pleasant chap who gave me a good trustworthy vibe so i didn't need to really angst about whether i'd be ripped off for the rest of my trip. and even i were, it'd be just another learning experience.

turns out everything fell into place from the weather to timing. i felt completely immersed in my environment and slept like a baby. i never once missed a beat and it's like the entire time was already laid out without a clear itinerary except a few goals of seeing peaks and places of worship. which i did very thoroughly.

so when i got back i felt so much more centered about the rest of my time here. it's got to be an extended metaphor for everything else i do from here on. i get an email from the ex-spouse about taking the kids back and it's something i relish because the years i've lost had already caused so much guilt and regret. so that's what the next arrival of my plane's about. finishing up the journey of motherhood in a clearer and more confident manner, even so if the kinks of financial or emotional challenges come forth, they will like my nepal sojourn be similar in its natural unraveling. without doubt or despair.without regret or self-blame.

nepal '13

sept rain

so it's been a good week of bracing winds and calming weather. things were really good this week.like one's planet aligns with the universe and you don't need to overthink anything anymore.

got an encouraging response from the latest flavor today.she texted instead of email or f2f possibly as a way to start private exchanges.now i have her hp no. maybe it's nothing more but doesn't hurt hehe
and another blast has reconnected. don't think i'd pursue that one but let things slide.if it's meant to happen it will. and the third has shown interest but of course it will remain distant.

i guess the point of this entry is to tell myself never to mess with the future. it will unfold.
for now i'm just focused on detoxing and detaching this weekend. whatever the outcome.