renewal

it's inexplicable how one's faith in humanity can be restored by the correct candidate.
simple miracles.

timely reminders

every turn a new day

sometimes being ruled by our primal instincts isn't the worst thing in the world. god knows we could dodge so many emotional landmines and possible toxic cycles of ill-conceived attempts at forging meaningful connections.

was just grading their term papers and was rather disarmed by an incisive observation a student made about dealing with regret. it boils down to the simple premise of self-image. if we perpetuate in a moment of self-castigation, surely nothing or no one can alter that state if one chooses to internalise every mistake as a reflection of one's shortcomings. regret is but a deluded excuse not to make a concerted effort at improvement or change.

much of human suffering is in total a self-imposed condition. that much i've learned.
that said, we should embrace the moments of inexplicably raw unadulterated pleasures.the tingling comfort of a setting sun, the unchartered surprises of old acquaintances, the re-learning of bedtime politics,the taste of new but strangely familiar.

sometimes it's the little things which make you smile, or when you make the little things smile

those who can't,teach

ironically that applies to what i've discovered lately as a calling.here i am dispensing all sorts of love advice,trying to patch things for a couple and basically doing everything right where i could never do for myself. it's depressing but i try to see the long-term joy in it.i'm done feeling sorry for my shortcomings so i'll try to mend whatever else is thrown my way.

i've been having blackouts randomly. the other day i had a quick faint trying to get through a miserly 1.6km on the track. didn't help that my fans were then cheering me so it must've been a horrendous sight haha.of course i didn't want anyone to worry so i told the sweeties ok put away the camera i'm clumsier than usual today unless they're amassing blackmail material.

my humour has been my sole strength.it's also a gift which i've put to good use, making others laugh while i don't take myself seriously anymore. it's something which has seen me through so many painful moments and i'll definitely die with some snarky remark as my parting words. i recall telling the midwife in mid-birth, can i keep the laughing gas when i'm done coz it was better than weed. it's been my defence but possibly my downfall. peeps mistake this for strength because i never let them see my weakest moments of need and loneliness. it's a vulnerability i only trust with the closest and dearest.

anyway i'm really drained all ways. work is endless, my bloodsugars inconsistent, the neediness of the downtrodden tedious, and i'm just about ready to run off to nepal to have my last respite. i just hope that everything i've achieved was not in vain, namely the ones i gave so much of myself to, and the last one i promised to love to eternity.

good deeds for the year

at civics last week, i told my class to name someone in their minds whom they could do a good deed for. that to me is truly living. strange how the week turned out. one moment i was setting up a meeting, and the next jan and kat are having their first date over the weekend. it's wonderful. perhaps like playing god but what's the harm when two people can take solace in each other's company.

i know that for every disappointment in life, we can alleviate that suffering by making a difference in someone else's life. that's so buddhist and i think i'm gradually grasping that concept. i just want to leave knowing i've un-done every wrong and can pass on with a clear conscience. that to me is the ultimate peace and righteous light.

beautifully heartbreaking

http://www.boathouse.com.sg/

good vibes all around

so it seems these days my role in life is defined by altruism.which i think is the perfect way to end my journey.
i've been something of counsellor, comedian and cupid.

i think i've done tremendously well in all aspects in cheering, listening, and trying to bring people together. it feels right and for a strange moment of stepping outside myself i can see real results.
kat's in much better spirits with the time i've spent, even to the extent of helping to pass xinni her stuff back, giving her everything from love advice to health and fashion tips (she's a yoga convert can you believe?!) and last night i set her up to meet janey whom my gut tells me would be a good match, not rushing it but setting the groundwork for something which could be promising. jan fits her bill of her type and jan seems like she could use good intelligent company with the crap years she's had. watching my little set up unfold was gratifying to say the least. now i know i can leave this realm having done some good in the love department, even if i've been terrid at sustaining my own.

and i do have a natural personable aura which somehow can melt the biggest ice queen or make anyone i just met feel like they can confide their most private thoughts. it's a gift mostly but a curse coz somedays i really feel the burden of their secrets and demons. well, maybe i have a calling which i've overlooked all my life. and even if i feel like there's no one i can really confide in myself, it doesn't feel so bad knowing i've made a difference in someone else's day or even life. my legacy would certainly be one of life and love.

and kat threw me the other day with a random promise, that if i should pass on, she will repay my kindness by giving my kids free econs tuition someday.aw what can i say? i'm already reaping from paying it forward =]
2011 was about healing.2012's about being a healer.

work as redemption

today mrs tay calls me into her office while i'm well, gaming haha and dressed in my slob way as usual. of all days to throw on the first thing in the wardrobe. so i'm thinking ok yes, my tats and attire would probably come up so i mentally did a quick convo on the way down on how to reply appropriately.

turns out she's really warm and almost human haha.she asks me about my work plans and contract status, and i shared that i'd rather not take on a perm position, alluding to my kids and me-time, to which she disarmed me with a little philosophical musing about letting life pass you by and no amount of money can get your health back, sharing something about her hand injury,yoga classes and gym memberships. i was just sitting there half bewildered and amused. this was the same person who chided my conduct and dressing since the get go.

i think age really mellows a person, makes them see beyond the gritties,lets them take a broader perspective of what really matters. funny moment when i actually shared that arthiritis in the thumb was linked to menopause.whattt. it was a damn did i just say that aloud moment. haha work has really become a place of real amusement and banal comfort. that and i realise in the past week i've managed to make peeps chat honestly with me, intimating there private lives. i think i might have a real gift here!

joy and love

that sums me up to a tee, least that's how i think most people see me

today was a really good work day all around. good classes, warm moments, security guard tells me he misses me when he doesn't see me, colleague tells me she likes the way i make her laugh, students really connecting with the play, they get it, they add their input, i am happy.

ex-students still look me up on fb because i think i've made quite an impact, and even my class leader calls me an 'influential person' which is wonderful considering i'm just a humble teacher.he explained that i changed his life in some way which is really what this job's all about.

i think this is the perfect way to end my last year on earth, as the person i was always meant to be, no holds barred, no compromises, just quintessentially me.

things we learn

in class today we discussed madness and its variants at some point addressing suicide. it seems many are inclined to believe a person is mentally unsound when they harbour thoughts of this nature.so i put it to them the notion of contemplation. if a person can actually think deeply and work his plan out, doesn't that make it a form of clarity and awareness, and hence he is lucid and not close to being deranged?

weepfest

stark haiku

someday in  darkness
you will wake in emptiness
opting vanity

professional validation is always welcomed!

from soks after my lesson ob today:

Thanks, viv, for a very interesting lesson. I've enjoyed myself. Liked the pix and cartoons and song to lead students into examining 'madness' and the way you lead them to discover the theme in the opening scene. the way you expanded on students' answers is very professionally done! you can see 'experience in action' :)


heehee i guess this is really what i do and enjoy it while i do it.

omfg

think i just came a little

givers and takers

as far as i see it, there are only 3 souls whom i'd go to the ends of the earth for, my kids and my dog.

they bring nothing but joy and love to those around them.
jill: she's the ultimate sweetie with her ability to empathise with the underdog, helping her friends and giving herself to those around her. today i found her cheering her sister on when the latter received her award on stage. i wasn't expecting it given it was early and we had spent the morning waiting around it.i thought she may even be resentful or envious but at the end of the day, she holds a special place in her heart for jo

jo: in her own passive way she really cares deeply for her family.this is from her thoughtful gestures which she does inconspicuously. perhaps not always showing initiative but i know her loyalty runs on a sublime level

lex: my heart and soul. she's always there regardless of being often neglected by our human activites which exclude her. there's the innate devotion which domestic animals have for their owners which is unprecedented. often times i find myself wondering why we do anything for peeps when it's these little creatures which deserve all our attention.

and just like that my hp has been buzzing all morning from people demanding help or attention.only proves how little we really care about each other. i trashed them all w.o replying because it's sunday for fuck sake. 9/10 texts are about needing something. whatever happen to 'how are you' in genuine concern? i'm done with humanity.seriously. they're all fucked anyway and i really only hope to take the memories of these three lovely souls with me when i'm done here.

happy 6th

it's exactly 6 years since i moved into my cozy little space.it's what i count as one of my most privately gratifying achievements in my entire life, mostly because of how much i grew from the entire experience.

many take their housing for granted because it's a given. they've lived there all their lives or it was a cinch getting one through marriage. that would sum up my circumstances for the first 38 years of my life. then for the first time in my life i found myself grappling with these challenges completely on my own, with little savings and a dismal cpf balance having taken unpaid childcare leave for the past 8 years. it was a herculean task just to get the banks and hdb to even get through the red-tape. i was earning an unstable income as a relief teacher, pending divorce and having two small children, and had maxed out my eligibility for housing grants being a third-time buyer of public housing. so i was not the best candidate for any financial assistance, and no i wasn't about to resort to handouts.

so it was really by the grace of loved ones, namely my kid sis who was my guarantor, the kindness of my ex-spouse who was willing to loan my a decent amount for the downpayment and really the compassion of strangers like that loans officer who went out on a limb to work around my unusual circumstances. of course timing played a great part because the housing market was favourable and well, if i even attempted what i did now i would be living in a tent.

anyway, i look back with gratitude and amazement. i still recall the sweat and tears of just getting through the paperwork, logistics, moving anxiety, all that stress culminated to insomnia and gastric pains. and i wasn't even dealing with the emotional upheavals to my kids and self yet. that's a story for another day.

but i know i couldn't have done it with so many angels in my life: my besties, my third ex-gf who did everything from babysitter to transport to heavy-lifting. yes, if you're somehow reading this, i am eternally grateful for your heart of gold, S. and of course the kiddies who made that first day of moving in the most magical experience from my perspective at least. watching them coo and giggle at their new home, opening doors, cupboards, even the fridge in their artless awe was from my side the only validation i needed that everything was going to be OK. we were on the brink of a new beginning and looking at them now, i think our home would someday count as more than just walls and furnishing. it was a season of change, but also a season of love.

maldives in march

 so on a whim i decided to book 3 tix to maldives.call it instinct but i usually act on a gut.it's not something i need to overthink given the limited time i have left here. it's going to be fabulous and i really hope it'll be the best time i'll spend with the kids.

i really feel the need to get away from humanity and spend more of it with nature. it is the only thing in our existence which makes sense and meaning. when i'm in the elements i truly find my peace. it's not simply escaping but truly living.

work's been awesome but i can do less with the whiny peeps. all day i'm surrounded by suffering. like come on, surely we can overcome our egos for a day or two and stop thinking how our lives are so depressing. i just wish i could bring a sledgehammer to these people and tell them to suck it the hell up. k is really grating on my nerves and i try to also avoid the likes of the self-imposed victim. if you choose to let life consume your needs then don't go trying to define yourself as a one. do something about it.

i'm done with humanity. call it selfish but that's our nature. we really don't give a toss about anyone else because we're wired for self-preservation. live with it, suckers

and for some reason my dreams of late have been predominantly primal. it seems to only involve physical connections some too lurid to describe here. or worse with colleagues haha.perhaps because i've already decided in clarity that i want nothing more to do with emotional relationships because they really are futile attempts to assure yourself that you are capable of sacrifice. truth be told no one who has enough self-respect should ever do that for someone who isn't of kin. it doesn't make sense to me at all. it's really about function, not love. it took me more than two decades to figure that out. well live and learn as they say. i still maintain that people who define themselves by their partners may harbour deeper issues of low self-esteem.

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