ironically that applies to what i've discovered lately as a calling.here i am dispensing all sorts of love advice,trying to patch things for a couple and basically doing everything right where i could never do for myself. it's depressing but i try to see the long-term joy in it.i'm done feeling sorry for my shortcomings so i'll try to mend whatever else is thrown my way.
i've been having blackouts randomly. the other day i had a quick faint trying to get through a miserly 1.6km on the track. didn't help that my fans were then cheering me so it must've been a horrendous sight haha.of course i didn't want anyone to worry so i told the sweeties ok put away the camera i'm clumsier than usual today unless they're amassing blackmail material.
my humour has been my sole strength.it's also a gift which i've put to good use, making others laugh while i don't take myself seriously anymore. it's something which has seen me through so many painful moments and i'll definitely die with some snarky remark as my parting words. i recall telling the midwife in mid-birth, can i keep the laughing gas when i'm done coz it was better than weed. it's been my defence but possibly my downfall. peeps mistake this for strength because i never let them see my weakest moments of need and loneliness. it's a vulnerability i only trust with the closest and dearest.
anyway i'm really drained all ways. work is endless, my bloodsugars inconsistent, the neediness of the downtrodden tedious, and i'm just about ready to run off to nepal to have my last respite. i just hope that everything i've achieved was not in vain, namely the ones i gave so much of myself to, and the last one i promised to love to eternity.
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