how strange that all these months, this is the first time i'm looking at her handwriting?

love n sense

is it quantifiable to love someone more each day? it seems illogical but that's exactly what it feels like everytime i uncover something fascinating or endearing about her. and in that moment i feel my heart do something in between a yawn n ache, and i want to just hold her so close and never let her go.

when i read these entries back, it really sounds like i'm 12 innit? or maybe that's what the purest love feels like. only a child could fathom and feel. and it's just that artless connection which cannot be sullied by time or age. because it just is.

visualise to materialise

the commitment ceremony


the tea ceremony


and then some!


a simple spread

"At e rate this dumpling driver is jerkg e bus i think everyones gg to barf"

And that's the sort of dry wicked wit which defines how she copes with her banal routines from day to day. it must be hell jumping on a bus to commute more than an hour to an uninspiring job which she is obviously over-qualified and under-paid.

i think what truly moves me about her is that quiet strength i first observed as she unravelled a string of narratives from her childhood till her adult years of too many abusive r/s. that $1/dinner story will forever be etched in my mind as a definitive moment of admiration and pity. and how she loves so deeply and uncompromisingly she would traverse the globe to see the one she loves. or the insane levels of physical suffering she takes upon herself and finds so much strength in her faith.

all these are the sum of her parts. and i want to embrace every facet of her, warts and all, and commit this to forever.

the beauty of domesticity

I'm sitting beside her, both on our lappies on a lazy sunday arvo, after a heavy brekkie n getting groceries, which she proceeded to lug given my strained heel-tendon. i'm stealing occasional glances at her enrapted in her vacation planning which she has sorted out on an excel spreadsheet no less -swoon- she's looking mighty hot in her speccies and that preoccupied look of a very tall executive, oh wait, consultant pardon me.

i thank god every minute for her. she has taken on everything and everyone in my life, including my three kids, no wait, make that 4 including self hehe.
i can't imagine life without her. she's more than a partner/spouse. she is something close to a beautiful angel. sent from above with the strength of an amazon, but the heart of a saint.

how do i love thee? let me count the ways

1. how you put so much of yourself in your baking, even for someone you've not met. only because you have a heart of gold
2. how you plant countless kisses when i slumber (yes i feel it but am often too sleepy to respond hehe)
3. how you peel all  my crab shells with such thorough n dogged effort, only so you can feed it to me n melt my heart
4. how you want to take care of my loved ones because you have the generosity of a saint
5. how you put others before yourself at work, another trait which reflects your selflessness
6. how you are so adventurous in bed because pleasuring your partner is second nature
7. how you look away shyly and smile when i express my love through my constant gaze
8. how you hold me through the night when you sense my needs without words
9. how you kiss every single tear and make me feel like the most loved person in the world

i wanna nua with you

190312

random set of numbers, but i know from here on i want to devote my life to building one with her. coz she is my center and my whole world.

sweet

like her baked goods, that best describes the soul she is.
yesterday she spent the morn with the shrubs teaching them how to make a strawberry chiffon, which turned out delish n fluffy. it's def a breakthrough with them and i think it's going to be like this in the near future, only because she's just being herself, in her element. that's what i love about her and i believe they will too in time.

and then some!

Love is indeed an inexplicable divinity

so we've thrashed out our little issues the past couple of days and if you could hear the intensity of things discussed and unveiled, one would think we've been together for years. and that's why i marvel at what we have. it's really a depth which transcends time and logic. i've never forged anything this quickly with anyone before.

perhaps as i once tried to rationalise, we've already known each other for >6 years in the context of twice-removed friends and later the pally exchanges on fb. but i guess what was always at the background was that we were more or less aware of the other's circumstances so that was sort of out of the way in terms of breaking down barriers.

what we've achieved these past couple of months though is really raw and honest sharing, based on that innate trust of already 'knowing' each other. i ramble incoherently because i think what i really want to say is, i am firmly convinced that all this is indeed a divinity which shapes our ends because nothing else could explain the timeliness of it, or the fact that she is about the only partner i've encountered whose taken on every possible challenge from my emotional  and family baggage to its potential heartache with nary a regard to protecting herself. she has the adamant faith of a loyal footsoldier which moves and even amuses at points. it makes me want to hold her and kowtow in a strangely confusing moment of love and bewildered admiration. damn all this is so hard to express in words sometimes because i'm really gobsmacked by this miracle of what love does to heal, to edify and mostly to assure. and in her case, to reconcile what i once thought was a facile version of our maker to what i now know as true. coz only he could make something like us work. over and over again. and then some.

this is it.as honest as i can be.

when i first met you, it was a simple turn of events. i was tired of life, and you made me see how much more there was to live it. it was your simple nature, your honesty and generous heart which drew me from my darkness. perhaps i was projecting too much on you, and us.

then when the weeks went on, the cracks started to show. cracks which i suppose are natural in all
'perfect connections' because that's what makes a relationship real. but i chose to ignore them as mere quirks which would sort themselves out, esp in my own acceptance of you.

but the truth is, i was in complete denial of these peeves because i thought i was on a new path of righteous light, letting everything zen around me because i could will them away. on the contrary, they started to bother me more because i think i was, as you say, putting you on some ideal pedestal. my own misguided way of constructing a perfect partner, in my desperate attempt to find perfection after a life-long chain of errors.

so no, it isn't anything you did or didn't do. it was really me and my unrealistic expectations, or hidden as you aptly put. you are as flawed as the next person, as i am in my ideals. and i want to work on myself in the way i accept every flaw. because i am myself fallible. all i need is for you to manage your own anger while i do mine. so that we do not destroy each other with it. we need to channel all of it wisely, to embrace it as a transient setback, but never to turn against each other with it.

because when i peel all these episodes away, i see you. your loving and pure soul. the one i want to hold on to forever. the one i instinctively felt was the most important discovery in my 42 years when we embraced for the first time. and the one i'm gradually discovering when i see you with my children. the one whom i fall asleep beside with such a simple feeling of calm and security. i just want to see that in all our rage. that it's you who i want to love till the end of time.
-------
and here's why i think she is the one:

For the past 3 hours I have thought about what I wanted to say to you. Well, more than 3 hours if you include the time that we spent on the phone earlier. I can’t for the life of me think how to start until I recalled the ad I saw on some coach earlier in one the cab rides. It said ‘what is the difference between a supplier and a partner?’

So with this I guess I kinda found my way tell you for a start where I see my stand in this relationship. A supplier to me is about obligation(s) and that’s not what I want or feel that a relationship is about. Yes, there are life’s realities to manage and overcome, I totally acknowledge that. A partner to me speaks of commitment. On all levels. So right now I want to reiterate, I am here to share your life, burdens, happiness and everything else and hopefully i don't screw up.

From the day when we started, I got a sense that you idealizing me and the relationship into something that you have constructed in your mind for the longest time. It both amused and frightened me at the same time. I was amused because nobody has ever found me to be this ‘perfect’ for them and it touched me. Frightened because I have been placed on an invisible pedestal that should I fall, you’d see all the ugly side of me and realize that I am not who you want all along. That’s why I kept telling you I am just me hoping you’d realize that I am not perfect and would still love me. But I know deep in my heart that you were denying to yourself that there are peeves as you put it that bothered you.

You are absolutely right, I am a flawed individual in more ways than one. Like you, I have been in relationships which have left me wondering if I could ever get it right. So when I felt that you were continuously idealizing me to be someone that you have constructed in your mind, I was really fearful of not living up to expectations again. But even then, it didn’t cross my mind to seek approval, not you, not the children or even the pooch. Not that I don’t care enough but I thought it would be the most contrived thing to do.

For all that you have experienced and lived through, I have nothing but respect and love for you. As an individual, a daughter, a mother, a professional, friend and partner. I love you in each capacity. I can only imagine what you had and have to deal with constantly. So some times I feel inadequate when I can’t seem to alleviate your frustrations and problems not that you expect me to but see, I can fall off the pedestal without any help. Projecting your projected construction on myself and when I feel I don’t measure up, I panic. This will probably not make sense when I re-read it when I wake up but  this is part of how I feel.

When I read your post on the toxic combis I knew you were referring to me. I can’t say that I am the best representation of God all these times. It’s precisely I know I am such a flawed being and totally not getting my act together mostly that I need to constantly remind myself of Him. It’s not that I go round spouting His words and claim that I have faith then turn around and behave in the most unedifying manner. Whenever I rant, say or do things inappropriately that make you cringe inwardly or otherwise, I realize this is not in line with what God sees in me. I catch myself and then I go back to His word to ground myself. So, I understand if I came across as hypocritical and delusional as you have put it but I am not. By the same token, I should be taking my supposed defensiveness and anger to Him and not do everything by my own effort. Yes, talk is cheap like you said, so I guess I’d have to learn to just keep it down in all sense of the word and just let Him do his job.

And thank you for sharing what you did about K and J. I appreciate that. I admit that I felt somewhat unsettled you’d even think of wanting to marry me when you and her had built something of that magnitude together before. Separating not by your own doing is definitely one of life’s most painful thing that a person has to go through. Makes me want to hold you tight just thinking about it. While I know you had such a deep relationship with her previously I choose to focus on us, now and the future. I’d not get into the moving in and all that jazz now because that’s a bridge we’d cross when we come to that. While we have talked about it on separate occasions painting different scenarios and i believe it’s not a problem if we were ever to do that but you do have your reservations and I respect that. And no, I am not giving you mixed signals now.

I just hope you’d love yourself more or rather not be so hard on yourself. I love that you want the best for me, to make me happy and the children too but I really hope you may want to be less adamant about certain things. I fell in love with you because you saw my heart and made me feel safe and I hope with what you have written with your last paragraph, you’d continue to love what is deep within me. You know what, I actually still didn’t manage to say what I want to say but at least this is part of it and I am no longer lucid so I’d have to continue later. -.-"

i love you, vivian. and somehow that was the marquee scrolling through my head all the time.

babysteps

so the first dinner at her place turned out well. was a little apprehensive about the tension etc but she was marvellous at putting them at ease. i guess it's part of her warm bedside manner which attracted me in the first place =]

the way she tries to accomodate my family is moving to say the least.
i'm just leaving it to him. if this is meant to work then more power to us all for letting our light into something which feels pure and right. after all, she wants nothing but the best for all of us and how wrong could that be? it'll take time for the kids to realise this and hopefully accept that families are about love and support,  no matter the combination or dynamics. that is the only truth i will hold in my heart.

his eyes are on the sparrow

so interestingly this song seems to be following me around. first it was last year when i was concerned about the status of my job contract terms pending an unfavourable medical report and the ministry was going to dock my pay for a couple of months. and then for some reason the salary gets banked in ahead,including that civil servant's bonus which i was never eligible before. timely when i was planning a trip with the kids.

then this year at my mom's bd bash, the pastor suddenly comes up to request singing that song.and as he was belting out i perused the lyrics a little more than usual and was amazed by how much a timeless hymn like this applies to our daily struggles. the sparrow. that verse about how much more he'd care for us if he had the sparrow's back haha tiny wings n doofus looking head.i've seen these eaten by some exotic tribe. i digress.

so i've been thinking a lot about how i want to make this year work like everyday may be my last. i plan vacations around a harried work week, and the past 10 have been especially draining all around. but i breathe and think about how it all adds up to making the ones i love happy.i could choose to look out only for myself and that would be peaceful and routined, but the rewards are hardly comparable to the artless smiles of these other faces,the mileage that kind of love language can derive is invaluable and would someday be paid forward to the ones they love. that alone is enough gratification.

and yup i will achieve this as some other variety of fowl.i'm thinking the humble but reliable chicken,but i think he wants me to soar like an eagle.

the beauty in suffering

mom celebrated her 75th yesterday. it was a bittersweet occasion because she was literally half her physique since her last 70th bd bash which had since seen her suffer a whole legion of illnesses ranging from renal failure to major surgeries to a stroke which had her at death's door. all this my shrubs witnessed and i guess that's also another part which breaks my heart. much as my mom inspires us with her resilience, i've seen how they've moved from innocence to experience. harsh and uncompromisingly, while they shouldered their own transitional crises of childhood, divorce, school.


i guess when jill took the mike last night from mal and made that impromptu tribute to mom in her own artless teary manner, i couldn't help but feel that ambivalent moment of maternal pride, and sadness, for she was no longer a child speaking, but one who has lived too many heartaches too soon.  i guess they will one day look back and grasp how these harsh realities have shaped their own strengths, and goodness.

come what may

so what is it like being a lesbian and having two teen girls? well simply put, i'd rather eat nails. haha no really it isnt that bad but i wouldn't say it'll be the easiest combination for anyone. the delicate issues of 4 women in a cloistered environment, the possible resentment, unresolved baggage, or worse, syncing of our menstrual cycles.

so one wonders why i even let myself relent to this new r/s. for my happiness? personal fulfillment? i mean i was mostly fine all of last year working on my break-up aftermath, feeling a final sense of closure with the 'error of my ways'. do i really need to open a new can of worms? work for validation/approval?

well one answer comes clearly to me. life is short, you can't be living backwards. you take what it offers and roll with it, even if the rest of your family disapproves or chides. one life to live. fuck all. take it in, and live the moments. it'll never come again because time is uncompromising like that. and in good faith, everything will come to fruition. in his time.

relent and relish.

the politics of give and take

what i've learned the past week mostly about myself is i've much trouble accepting the help of others, this extends to asking it from my partner, even sharing the simplest need of me-time and rest.to our credit, it has been an intense couple of months of learning, and at times, unlearning. learning to relent and let her take care of me because i've spent most of my life being the care-giver.

perhaps the man upstairs is sending a clear message.viv, you're in your 40s. fatigue becomes an issue when you're working and have two kids to look after. she was sent to help you, not add to that list. i'm also discovering how to trust more in the kindness of others, and not feel burdened by guilt or expectations. it's something i've grappled with for a long time.

i guess once i can put that aside, my focus in loving someone else will be less complex, letting the relationship grow in its natural pace, allowing myself to also grow with it, become less anal about setting up plans, fulfilling roles or following through my goals. whatever will be will be, indeed. i'm just glad she has been so kind and patient about my quirks and neuroses, accepting set ways i do things, or even my difficult mood-swings. i want to tweak and improve this about myself. only because i do truly believe in bringing this through the long-haul. and working on communicating these fears and idiosyncrasies one day at a time will surely reap such deep and gratifying rewards.

you make me whole.

that's the best way i can describe how i feel when we're together. i once said that she makes me like who i am when i'm with her, but i think it also extends to the way she had redeemed me from that perpetual funk of meaningless ennui i carried around me all year. it wasn't anything she consciously did but who she is. she fills my life with a child-like renewal of seeing things in refreshing honesty, without judgement or prejudice. she calls people out on their b.s, and with her own raw candour she inspires me to do same. even my inhibitions about bedtime politics, or the primal functions of farting and burping.

told her it's no different from how childhood pals are around each other. just spending the day in wild abandon and not holding back on our sensual pleasures of eating, walking, taking our time to live the moments. i guess it's been a long while since i've learned to slow down and breathe. and she has made me live again because she is living her life over in spirit and truth.