perspective

today crawling at 60 at adam road for fear of a summons, i lit a ciggy to while the boredom. at the corner of my eye i spotted a white bike and quite instinctively pulled my hanging hand in just as he passed me too slowly. i was thinking jialat kena already then he drove off.

i uttered a prayer of thanks and mused this is how he's got my back. after that upsetting bill on the car servicing i didn't need a bummer. i guess it's good to give thanks for the little things. this extends to the peeps in your life, the simple pleasures, fresh air, the ability to be mobile and scale an obstacle, the use of legs, the taste of good food.

these things we take for granted when shrouded by other things which don't warrant so much care, the small stuff, the annoying little setbacks. i am learning to take it all in and see the forest for the trees. it's a whole list of cliches but they make sense. the rest of my life will need to be like this. i will focus on my joy and not give it away to the broken world. i will look forward to that beautiful moment when everything converges into a perfect light. in the meantime, i will run and not be weary because every thing in life is meant to be lived wholly. nothing and no one should stand in the way of that joy. ever.

let the river run.

so things have more or less simmered to a state of general blah. i suppose if you can't fix it then let it fix itself.

after a week of wallowing in some despondent funk i realise it isn't worth the emotional energy to drag the rest of the people around you, including family and colleagues. yes i realise since i turned 40 i've confided less in friends. this must be me in new states of shruggish resignation that problems no longer need slugging out but letting them dissolve into obscurity.

anyway everyone at work has been rallying around my setback, from the principal to soks to ocm to the ones around me. i've been getting nice baked goods and chox and treats which i really feel are unwarranted. but well, divine forces are keeping me from throwing in the towel. besides how it must look if i quit now. it's like i can't handle the very adversity i teach my kids and students to. it's hypocritical to say the least

on a lighter note, it's our anniversary this week. yes that one fumbling proposal which is best summed up here haha. sometimes i think she takes better care of the kids, or at least her efforts are shaming. case in the point, i'd just throw somethings together from the fridge but she'd spend the day prepping their dinner

i muse at why i'm a mom. other than the minister of finance and recreation, i can't really see how else my role extends. so i suppose divine providence is much evidenced when a partner is sent to you to balance out the shortcomings. i do appreciate everything that you are, baby!

our pendants which she said she'd take the lower half coz it looks like a bad word haha. hrm

and  baby's anniv gift, which at this rate of one per year i'd have a lifetime collection for my onitsuka museum! <33333333

and my super clean peds thanx to baby's tatitai treat today. i think this is the cleanest since birth hahah

what they call that little nagging voice? heed it.

yesterday it called again.

it's been a rough week, a long day, mentally draining. you need a physical release, a brisk run, a good box at the punchbag,

viv, go home. you're spent. you've not much energy all around to engage with anyone. maybe just mindless gaming, a spot of telly.

oh no. you muster what's left in peak hour humidity because you want to rekindle, renew, reconnect.
4 hrs  5 litres of petrol, 36 dollars and an unwarranted row later, you want to plunge objects into your tired eyes so they reach the recesses of your throbbing migraine and permanently erase the entire unnecessary evening.

go home. hug your dog. enjoy the silence. that voice. heed it. always.

judgement day

every two years i face up to what seems more like my own exam results. i personally (excessively) invest my professional and emotional input into my students' grades not because they are a reflection of my competence, well maybe just a little, but honestly, i just hate to see them do badly because it really destroys their faith in themselves and the platitudes of encouragement and trust i place in everyone of them for two years. it's like a final crushing blow which undermines every single word and deed from day one.

i know in a couple of weeks or months even, i will look back and chide myself for feeling this way. but for now that unpleasant dull feeling resides in my heart and mind. i feel trapped in a helpless moment where i want to help them feel better but i can't even help myself.

guilt is a terrible thing, coupled with righteous anger against the injustice of the fucking one-exam system is enough to make me want to jump off a building or burn it down. i don't know which. i feel ridiculously torn and yet my hands are tied. i sat at my desk after giving out the results and just sobbed into my jacket to mute the sounds. i spent the entire day dodging the shock while trying to keep business at usual in class and later when facing my students at results release time. it was a difficult facade which i suppose culminated to that break down, triggered by students coming up to assure me with hugs and painfully masked expressions of resignation. and then one of my students wrote me this card attached to a chox and i just lost it:

anyway despite all the comforting pats from colleagues and ex-students alike, and the rock the wifey has been, i am scarred. a part of my idealism has died and when i go to class with a strange alter ego of enthusiasm and apparent engagement, deep inside i feel hollow and dishonest. i dispense knowledge as much as (false) hope and i wonder if this will pan out right.

perhaps it is a sign. i need to make a real change and work on something less painful and devastating all around for both students and self. i don't need another round of this in two years because that would mean i will throw in the chips completely. i need to devote myself to a job which makes more sense, bodes less potential setbacks, where my actions would directly control the outcome...

on a brighter note, a handful of my form class hit the jackpot and i was really happy for them. two of them genuinely deserved the straight As though ironically it is this very monster of a system which gives and takes away equally.

then there are sweeties who truly make your day:

(and as a sad attempt at payback i've reset my school lappy password to 'fuckcambridge69')