goodtimes w bandmates

timely reminders

so it's been a year since i acknowledged my inability to work on a r/s because

1. i have no will
2. i lack emo energy
3. i am innately selective about my effort
4. i "only want a gf when it suits (me)"

truth be told i have no plans ahead for anything other than to focus on making money and memories for the kids, they're all who matter and it must be the reason they moved back in this year. they're my life's mission on what's left of my time.

that said, i also want to disengage from any potentially confusing attachments because i know i'm hardly focused on anyone for the long haul. i'm also too arsed to get into anything which distracts me from my harmony, which trumps my wish-list before i go. i don't want upheavals or disruptions to what i've spent a year establishing, and certainly not the bonds with the kids.

so yes, remind myself everytime some blindly foolish seduction of my ego comes around. Like buddha i will sit firm and focused against the alter-ego and its deceptions of fulfilment when clearly the only end-goal is to completely reach a perfection of the mind body and soul.

mantra: no happiness, no suffering, no wants, no needs, no desire, no sadness, no fear, no life.

a love-letter to my tube-loving teens on my 45th

so what do i seek on my 45th year? nothing really,just to live my remaining days in simplicity and calm. no more emotional entanglements. just work out my retirement plan, settle all outstanding debts, set up a lovely cove for the kids when i'm gone so they will have lovely lives. i really don't expect much from what's left because i have lived thoroughly without compromise. these days i just try to fulfil my duties and functions, while wishing the best for the girls and doing all i can to make that happen. that's the only focus i need to make things complete and whole.

respite

so the term is finally coming to a close and i could really use a respite from this very intense month, with so many activities compressed in a few weeks. i've had a blast at school but more is less you know

things on the homefront is marvellous, with a couple of sickie meltdowns but we tided through that. i love having them around. they light up my days. somedays they slob around but mostly pull their own weight.

i just feel drained physically and jaded from the routines. i may need to get away for a weekend.
it's all ennui and sometimes an inexplicable blah. we'll get through this. as always

too funny

each time you happen to me all over again

once in awhile, you read something so close to home it's devastating, find yourself relating, and reliving, tearing at points to the parts which resonate and transport you to the moments like it were yesterday. this is what the novel did to me in the best way i can describe it.
except it gave me a fresh perspective from the other party, as if she were telling me her side of that three and a half year relationship, what it felt like to be in love for the first time at her age with someone decades apart. i could finally empathise with the fears, the longing, the impossibility mixed with such naive hope and optimism.
i took a lot of that for granted in those years we were together. hardly paying attention to her real anxieties and challenges, always dismissing it as her youth, patronizing her for it. i think i had to learn the hard way, make me see how much i didn't know the more i thought i knew and i must've hurt her so often with my darkness and scepticism of her loyalty.
it's interesting so have such introspection from the other side. i know now her struggles, her confusion yet her pure clarity. i just hope she's doing well now. for all the possible internal damage, she should from that strength of adversity alone, be thriving as an individual, finding and discovering so much about others and herself.
wherever you are, krystle, i wish you well.

fleeting

it's strange how when you don't put yourself out there people will find you i don't really care to respond because i've completely withdrawn from any emotional entanglement.it keeps the peace.

a perfect week

Tis been mostly a restful and rewarding break tho the poor kids hardly had rest. I manage to catch up on zzs n met my tutees for paydirt so i could reward the kids with treats like movie and meals.that s what its all about.. sorted out my expenses n paid bills. Its all mundane but comforting. This year its abt keeping things real and simple. I dont need to indulge but i get by on the basics. I know the kids are easy to please so just spending quality time suffices.i dont need to complicate things with undesirable wants. I know thats the right way to live for my remaining years. I am glad i have broken toxic cycles and perceived needs. Thats the focus from here on.

marching through march

almost 10 weeks of term is over.it's been an intense journey of changes all around.
at work, i've managed to get through 2/3 of the novel i'm teaching, complete a few projects and even make a little mark in school history haha


up ahead are a few challenges of getting students to cambodia as the only female chapperone, this while completing a ton of admin, exam registrations, testimonials and possible invigilation.
at my last post-ob meeting the vp suggested i sign on full time and my immediate rejoinder was i was content to be underpaid and contracted because i think i've got enough on my plate.i don't really care for all that renumeration because the trade-off doesn't make sense at a point of my life were i've enough to get by and te kids are comfy. that was already a point of irreconciable conflict with the ex and i don't need to revisit that. she never grasped my goals and the pressure to adapt to hers tore us slowly apart. i don't need someone trying to impose or change my life when i'm ready to just sail through my remaining years without unsolicited upheavals.

the kids have been troopers these past ten weeks. jo is showing so much onus when she pitched in to the household in certain contributions when she was awaiting her results. even now with her new college life she still has jill's back. the latter has been taking on so much at school making her days long and late, but she's also been a gold star in her own ways. i know they appreciate each other's support and that's enough for me.i just try to make decent meals when i can and take them out to good weekend dinners. we try to make it work as a family and it helps to have such adpatable fuss-free kids.

health-wise i've been adjusting to dramatic hormonal changes, sometimes discomfort and migraine made worse by the awful swelter, but i'm hanging in there until things take a turn for the worse. it doesn't matter really. medical care in our country is ridiculously exorbitant and i don't see the need to fix something which isn't really broke. i try to adjust my diet to accomodate these changes. if i can see another 4-5 years i'd be more than content.

so i'm going to really crash for the next week, after a long course, some paperwork and a closing event in the outdoors which i foresee really tricky weather and possible casualties. then i'm going to spend a restful week ahead hopefully bring the kids out for a bit and get lexi her jabs. the months ahead will be a possible planning for melbourne if finances permit. yep small goals, big dreams and positive thinking.

march madness

so the term has culminated into an intensely draining affair.can't wait for the break mid-month.
kids have also been having long school days. jil has debates and tests, jo is adjusting to college life.it's all good.
i just feel myself all hotflashy and tired. it's been 2 months of menopause.the weather's not helping the dry skin.energy levels dip in the mid day sometimes. but i try to cope and focus on earning. it will add to their good rewards and dinners

i don't see myself lasting for another 5 yrs. it's all settled. im losing steam at work anyway.new management isn't hot since ocm left.he sounds like a bummer in that unholy trinity with soks and atm.it's like they're determined to control whatever they fear they will lose. who cares. if they want to force me into some stupid commitment they'll see the back of me soon.i have options

i just wanna hang around till both the kids are done w jc. then i will work out a great retirement plan. everything else is just autopilot

they ground me

I have e best kids.in the universe.jo is kind.jil.is.tough.n they complement each other. Watching them like this makes life worth living.i know my days are made meaningful n comforting just from.their presence.even if we have so much to do.at the end of the day just having them im my life is all that matters.everything else is moot.

jo's been adjusting in college with a motley of activities, some of which she doesn't care for haha. she has my cynical trait i suppose. she's probably put her talents to use in the visual arts club. these are a sample oif her amazing drawings from her o levels i just had to furtively post on fb haha.proud and shameless mommy moments

jil's been busy in school with prefectorial duties and debates competition. i can see how tired but dedicated she is. i just hope she doesn't burn out

and a lil tribute to them

hindsight

It's been a good month so far.kids adapting to the changes. Duckie doing well at jer os. Bunmy copimg well with the commute and early long days. I have two steady assignments. Sorting out my bills n loans. And i cant be cLmer despite long work days..iys all eight. Keeping busy and looking forward.it was meant to be. Esp w the kids.repqiring and atarting over. I wouldnt have time for anyrhing or anyone else.no spare energy for that. My focus for my remaining time is clear. Its all.good

what is most heartening that i survived the rough patches of last year. i have more strength than i give myself credit for. or perhaps i've trained myself to let go of things i can't change. from here on i do want to avoid emotional entanglements because they are the greatest source of distress and suffering. yesterday in class i found myself addressing a 'what is love' question and i was really stumped. yes, no smartass rejoinder for once. all i could say was, you know what, after nearly 30 years of dating maybe 15 people of both genders, i haven't a clue between love and loving to be loved. i might have really lost that plot at some point because other than my own family i've never really selflessly given my heart to anyone so completely. at most it was a devotion based on habit or obligation. one student left class exclaiming, omg i'm so screwed. i don't know if i love my girlfriend or i love to control and possess her. haha told him not to think too much or he will be brain-damaged. days like these i think reading literature can have severe ramifications on one's simplest instincts to love. we make the entire thing too cerebral and end up fucking up every relationship with the dumbest question like, what is love? perhaps the best i could offer at the end of the day is, if you have to think about love, you're probably not in love.

showers of blessings

this has been a good week so far.
duckie's o results turned out roses and although it's not aces all around she is content. bunny showed unexpected empathy by tearing.i guess she was overcome with relief and pride.it was a rare moment but it assured me how deeply their ties are despite the constant ribbing. they are beautiful kids.

i'm just moved by their closeness.i know they are mutually solid and it assures me how things will be awesome between them always. i am blessed and i'm glad to share these moments with them. they are my best gifts for 2014

and so we begin

the year has been productive and mostly calm. work has it's perks and stresses but i've learned to shake these things off pretty well. end of the day, i tell myself that i'm heading towards a retirement of absolute bliss so what's the point of being fixated on what must be done and by when. it's done when it's done haha

kids have adapted rather well, esp bunny who has been commuting long and early hours. she's truly a gold star. duckie is getting anxious about her results which i guess is expected but she needs to be less critical of herself. it pains me to see her putting so much on her abilities that she actually feels ashamed about not having a real job. i'm like hello? at her age had i the freedom i'd be tanning my ass off at the beach and slacking. but i guess it's a new world order.

i just hope whatever the outcome it will be about her security and happiness and no one else' god knows i've seen too many students crash and burn trying to fulfill parental obligations