twenty thirteen.

don't take anything too seriously, namely yourself. in all things live and laugh. there's already too much misery in the world.

and summing what was one of the most fulfilling vacation time with the family, i finally feel whole. as a mom, a partner and the roles ahead as mentor and friend. these have always been my defining identities.

what i'm most grateful for this year is that new lease of life, blessed with a loving and understanding partner and a renewed kinship with the kids. they've grown so much into their own and it's such a privilege to bear witness to that. most rewardingly is i've someone i love and who love them to witness this with me. it makes my role as mother so much more meaningful. i dare say i've never felt happier to share this with anyone. finally  a partner who gets it, celebrates it, and embraces them as her own. it means more to me than anyone will know.

jo's such an amazing artist / craft-ist

and jil's the proverbial orator with that innate self-confidence

her inaugural speech to the new sec 1 cohort

obviously these are gifts of divine providence coz the only talent i have in common with them is a warped sense of humour haha

yolo bucket list

so as 2012 creeps to its end, it's that time of year to reflect and project.

a wonderful year all around, well after the horrid year before all else couldn't be worse haha
it was a year of milestones and misses.

• finding love again
• re-building the family, immediate and distant
• great respite here and there
• putting mummy to rest
• finishing through a batch of students (a first in ajc)
• improving healthwise with nary a black-out

2013 shall be about completion

• re-inventing my career
• sorting out finances
• commitment to a life partnership
• seeing the kids through their crucial years
• bringing them to see the wonders out there
• doing all this with love and support. learning to trust, hold and let go accordingly

i will of course maintain that simple adage to do all this with laughter because we should never take ourselves too seriously. i will be reaching my mid-forties after all. what more should i even care about other than to live it like it's my last. in a manner of speaking, i.e after all i've really learned the past year that we are the change we want to be, but we also do this respectfully with wisdom and acceptance of our limits. 

peace out.

and here's another example of my darlings. when they were little, or at least when we moved to this home, i would make every xmas special by dropping treats in their stockings the whole week so they'd wake with anticipation of the next surprise. and this year bunny has taken the initiative to pay it forward.so love


----
and on a more trivial note:

• best song: RHCP's 'Rain Dance Maggie' always on repeat in pod

• best film: Les Miserables

• best tv drama: tie between Grimm and Revolution

 

• best comedy: Modern Family

• best food: besides baby's cooking, Red Dot Brewhouse (Western) and  Najhon Kitchen (Asian)

 

• best place: Taipei for it's food, sights and general feel-good surroundings

• best book: sadly none, the authors i admire didn't give me the usual thrill and awe so i await a really good book come 2013
• best game: simscity haha >230k population and leading at this time of writing!

atonement

that sums up best the year 2012

last year i spent the better part of it trying to grapple with the ghosts of my errors, and then spending the rest of it in guilt and self-loathing. it wasn't so much my break up grief but the people i'd hurt from it, namely my kids.

so this year i did my best to atone and heal.i think i did relatively well in this, without trying too hard as before. rather than ply them with gifts of compensation, i tried to change the approach of my relationship with them. to be less of a friend, more of a mother, to be supportive rather than intrusive, to let my guard down rather than to withold, and the results of this have been more than gratifying.

tonight i was awoken by an ambivalent dream, possibly induced by too many cold relief pills. as i watched my partner move on to a fulfilling life with another both personally and financially, i could only smile for her happiness because i knew i could never be unselfish about her fulfilment.

and then i spoke these words to the kids: i will always be with you, when you hear a good song you'd think i'd be grooving to it, when you share a good laugh you'd hear me guffaw through your own, when you watch a sublime film you'd think of my enthusiastic dispensing of opinions, when you sleep you will feel my gentle kisses,when you walk in the sun you will feel a gentle breeze caress you as i would. and you will be so happy and laugh and live because that will be exactly how i lived with you. and when the world around you falls apart, you will feel me right behind you because i will always have your back.

anyway i woke and felt i had to put this all down. who knows what the year ahead brings? all i know is what remains constant and true -- love. unconditionally given. without strings. that's the sort only a mother can really give or comprehend. and really all i need to acknowledge to look back, smile, watch them laugh and love, and go completely in peace.
----

on another insight, i've never been a part of the lesbian community here despite having been out for >a decade. i used to think because i was just culturally apart from it in terms of language and values -- most of them speak mandarin and party and drink a lot. but then i realised it's because my experiences were completely diverse from most of them. to begin with a lot of these women identified gay in their youths, struggled with the marginalizations of that and grew up with very defensive views of society, or a certain complex about themselves, which they coped by being either alcoholic-inclined or to lavish all their earnings to buy bigger apartments or cars. it was like a lash back to everything they felt wrong about society's judgement of themselves. i on the other hand was the boring statistic of graduate-marrying 2.5 children producing member of society which made me a anomaly in the gay community. so when i got to know more of and about these women, i always felt alone.i could never really relate to their values as they did mine. to them i was so bi-curious person subverting the stereotype ( the countless reactions,' you were married?' 'you have kids' i can recall). and now looking at my partner's circles who mostly fall n the above community i once again feel that distant. our experiences tend to end at work or relationships. when the kids or marriage thing come up there will be awkward silence. but i guess that comes with late-blooming out. i don't get their substitutes for kids or the responsibilites of motherhood replaced by pooches/felines. i certainly don't get the extravagance of entertainment and dining to assert their female independence.or maybe i'm just a freak.

hard facts

Pancreas (hormonal-Endocrine) low blood sugar symptoms:

• Dizziness when standing suddenly
• Sugar cravings
• Headaches that are relieved when sugar or alcohol are consumed
• Shakiness, jitteriness
• You wake up craving sweets in the night
• Tired, weak or shaky feeling if you miss a meal.
• Need to drink coffee to get going in the morning
• Impatient, moody and nervousness
• Tired feeling 1-3 hours after eating
• Poor memory
• Feeling faint
• Poor concentration

High blood sugar symptoms:

• Night sweats
• Very thirsty, wake up during the night to drink water
• Fatigued in general
• Crave sweets but even when you eat them your symptoms don’t improve Increased healing time

------------------

Pancreatic Insufficiency

Gas, bloating, and other symptoms can surface when the pancreas doesn’t secrete enough of the enzymes needed for normal digestion. According to research or other evidence, the following self-care steps may be helpful:

• Add enzymes to your meals
• Under the direction of a qualified healthcare provider, take digestive enzymes with meals regularly to reduce symptoms

• Load up on antioxidants
• Lessen pain and prevent recurrences of pancreatitis by taking a daily supplement containing beta-carotene (9,000 IU), vitamin C (540 mg), vitamin E (270 IU), methionine (2,000 mg), and selenium (600 mcg; note: this amount should be supervised by a healthcare professional)

• Modify your diet
• With your healthcare provider’s approval, try a low-fat diet to reduce symptoms

• Get routine checkups
• Visit your healthcare professional regularly to make sure you are not developing nutritional deficiencies or other problems associated with pancreatic insufficiency

These recommendations are not comprehensive and are not intended to replace the advice of your doctor or pharmacist. Continue reading the full pancreatic insufficiency article for more in-depth, fully-referenced information on medicines, vitamins, herbs, and dietary and lifestyle changes that may be helpful.

best bd weekend eva

first we surprised baby at her home with handmade pressies and a bd durian




was esp moved by bunny's sentiments in their card to her

followed by a simple fare of chinese at Chin Lee, then a lovely saturday of shopping and food


a homemade pizza party at baby's on sunday while she helped jil w her christmas cookies

and to celebrate duckie's today, baby treated us all to Shangrila's The Line buffet


and with her polaroid gift which she promptly named, Janie. so love


homage to my first born

they're growing into two really lovely little women




they're all my christmas blessings!

that 4 letter word

it's been a good down time this hols and i dont know if its the magnetic pillow i bought from an ex-student but i've been having weird insightful dreams of late.

last night in mid-sleep these words scrolled across my mind, 'work is something we are anxious to lose yet which may also cause us misery'. it's like a paradoxical cycle. we dread waking everyday for it yet we are worried when we're unemployed. that must suck for the modern man. i'm sure there are jobs which are rewarding and one could define their existence by it, but  for most it has become both suffering to do or lose it. how did we create such a situation for ourselves?

ok enough rambling. it's strange how i dream of work and colleagues during vacation.  i hope it doesn't portend something awful haha.or i'm just a worry-wart when it comes to work preps and deadlines. i can't even trust myself to completely switch off. haha

then i run into my neighbour in the lift today and she tells me her autistic daughter who just finished ITE has difficulty getting a job even at maccies because she's abnormally short. and this aunty is always smiling, a certain zen surrounds her. i remember always seeing her in the lift with her kid when i brought the tots down for their school bus every morning. how the years have flown. point is she's still as serene about her family life     all these years. i've never once seen her lose it with her kid. i could certainly take a leaf out of her book about accepting your destiny with dignity.

the spring of my offspring

i'm really amazed by these sprogs of mine.

jil has been selected and groomed for final speaker to represent her school in debates, while on selection process for prefects next year while she humbly organises her life by setting up her CIP hours by herself. apparently she should be starting next year but like me in kiasu fashion has completed it this year so she has time to free up for other concerns. all this in her own initiative and i dare say a future ambitious focus which should lead her to paths of commercial success through sheer motivation and self-discipline. even her recent weight loss i gathered was from getting herself to jog, walk the dog daily without my advice.

jo of course marches to her own beat. she pushes herself only in projects she finds personally rewarding or has some intrinsic value. but that's ok coz at least she has a certain quiet confidence in what she does well and has grown to be quite self-aware. these are traits which should secure her happiness in her future choices. the other day at the cinema the counter person had forgotten to return my credit card and i had to trundle back to retrieve it, annoyed that we had got all the way to the other part of amk for lunch. so when i returned with my card, she said she'd probably be blur and do the same and if she worked there there would be a pile of forgotten cards hahaha. i guess what remains for her is a good generous spirit which should see her with good relationships with family and friends.

her free-hand rendering on my school tablet.she is so talented in her quirky individualism

an awesome weekend as always. mulched around town, checked out the Fullhouse venue as potential wedding one. not nice. fail hahha too kiddy

then a sumptious lunch buffet at Coca @ taka with her family as a pre-bd celebration. no piccies as we were too famished haha. they really are the coolest pre-adults all teens going on 30smth. i am blessed. and so is she being a part of us. they keep us in stitches all the time. just today jo made me laugh so hard in her reading dramatically the fb updates of her peers like it were some voice-over in a movie. she's so wicked in that deceptive grandma knitting away demeanour <333

knitted for granpa a golf sock in <2hrs

and somedays when she seems so self-deprecating because she doesn't have a prolific social circle, i just want to tell her if no one can appreciate the adorkable precious soul that you are, they can seriously fuck right off.

jil made her milestone public speaking in front of the new sec 1s and their parents.found the transcript of her speech on my lappy. hehe beams

Sec 1 Experience Talk

Good morning/afternoon parents and students of 2013, hi my name is Jillian and as one of the many 2012 sec 1 students I will be talking to you about my experience in SJC.

Many fears I experienced:

1)      From 4 subjects to 8 subjects

-worried of trying to cope with so many subjects

-the constant stress

(Solution)*fears were unfounded* sec 1 work was quite easy and basic, look at it in a different point of view, eg. Science contributes to most of the two subjects, History, literature and geography can be quite interesting. Approachable and friendly and would always put in their best to help their students.

2)      Friends

-making new friends

-keeping old ones

-(Parents) making right ones

(Solution) making friends was easy if you be yourself, if they accept you as who you are you have found the right ones. Our students do not hesitate to extend IJ friendship with new students, especially juniors.

3)      New environment

-older students

-all girl’s environment

-(solution) more mature and even offers to help out when needed and usually instead of the student a teacher or a senior, they approach you to ask if they need help. (based on my other friends) it was a lot easier to communicate with other students without feeling embarrassed about certain things that only girl’s should know of.

Of course I got to enjoy certain journeys and events with new people, learning more that I ever had,

Eg.Sec 1 orientation camp

-enjoyed the games that were well planned

-visiting certain historic sights

-meeting new people and making more friends

Eg.CCA

-learning/improving new skills

-making new friends

-learning more things that develops my critical thinking

So after my year in a totally new environment with new people and new subjects have I changed? Well I am pleased to share, yes I have changed. After coming to SJC I have become more confident in my decision making skills and have ultimately gained trust from my family and peers but most importantly I have learnt to be more independent in my work that I have responsibilities to hold, even though they may not be as important as others, responsibility is responsibility. Therefore after listening to my experience in this school I hope you too can benefit from it and maybe have a great experience to tell too. Thank you!

she's all good loving at once.

i've never been attracted to overt. probably coz being overt myself most of my life haha. and that's one way to explain why i was drawn to her to begin with. even in all her 1.8m glory and looking like she stepped off a catwalk runway, she had a modest charm with a shyness which i could detect from her self-castigating humour. but that's what attractive about someone like that. because they don't need to put it out there nor put on affectations about who they are.



thought about this while on the treadmill this morning while Robert Palmer's hit was in my head all day:

admittedly it was lust at first sight. well, add years after we met as mutual friends.  i wasn't counting on romantic connections, just casual hook-ups which i had proposed and she was game. but in a week my heart trumped my initial resolve. how could it not when before me was such a sincere soul> she had no hidden motives or agenda. just a generous spirit and a child-like simplicity coupled with a history of experiences. add a loving heart which extended so naturally to the kids. and the true litmus was handling our rough patches with maturity and sense.

as i always maintain, there are girlfriends, and then there are wives.

 

I feel so lucky loving her
tell me
what else is magic for?
She thinks it's better left unsaid.
She makes her mind up at a glance
it really made a difference

I seem to be unconditionally hers.
She's like a new girl every day
and all the rest don't bother me

I'm far too busy loving her.

I'll never be lonely now I know her
(She trusts her intuition

'Cause she fills my heart with joy. She acts in my defence

She just has to smile to blow my cares away
She makes my day.)
She just have to touch my hand to make me stay.

She's all good loving at once

Our love was unintentional
she says we're not responsible

She thinks with her chin up.
She always makes uncommon sense
always knows just what to say

She always takes me unawares.
In less time than it takes to fall I'm here and there you are
We never fought it anyway.

now it feels like home

so the shrubs will be with me all of december and i couldn't be happier. i love hearing their giggles and silly antics, just watching them sleep, goofing with lexi, doing the banal little things in the next room. it really fills the home with life. i guess my depression really started in 2010 when they moved in with their dad. it was a practical decision but still no less difficult. i sobbed the entire time they were gone. yes it's silly isn't it? it felt like someone ripped out my heart. the best parts of it.

then after my last break up i saw myself trying to atone for every single neglect and guilty conscience. this came in overcompensating with iphones, lavish meals and vacations. all that time they were baffled and sometimes felt bad that i was spending so much but i kept assuring them it was within my means. i guess they really thought i was dying. well i did too so well, funny how that panned out. my pancreas has not really been malfunctioning given my black-outs have not occured so frequently.

this christmas will be extra special because i dont feel entirely empty. last year i felt mostly numb and i would laugh along with them in that way you feel like its coming from somewhere else. this year it really feels like it's deep in the belly, hearty and content. it has to do with healing and redemption. and a renewal of what's ahead. i know i want this to be the best end to an otherwise challenging year of changes. more so i look forward to new depths of our relationship as a family, including the wife and our future plans.

my niece's bat mitzvah was quite the eye-opener

what touched me most was how her parents and community rallied around something like a glorified bd party; her dad esp providing all the home-made good eats.he's really a prince amongst men

a weepfest we thoroughly enjoyed

i love discussing films with them. this one really made them think. and the buddhabar-esque soundtrack is awesome haha imagine being subjected to it for 2 hrs instead of just a car ride