'Anger and jealousy can no more bear to lose sight of their objects than love.' - George Eliot

the other morning i woke exceptionally early to trawl the wet market. the serenity of dawn is something i miss in days when i was a happily married stay-home mom with only my kids' amusement on my daily agenda. we used to trundle to the neighbourhood kopi-tiam for a spot of brekkie and then to the playground. i recall how halcyon that life was, despite its mind-numbing monotony because mornings were always the best time to observe our surroundings, without the wretched humidity nor bustle. it was easing into the day and letting it just take you where it were.

anyway back to the morning last saturday, i noticed most the elderly folk replete in my estate starting their day with tai-chi. i've always been fascinated by that form of martial arts. yoga is an amazingly zen activity but tai-chi takes it to a whole new level of calm. to be standing there for 45min, allowing the movements of your body to lull yet strengthen. it takes discipline yet relent. it's some form of balance which we could all use in life.

i guess i truly desire that sort of harmony in my own life. to shrug off the unpleasant moments of anger and jealousy ( often borne of insecurity) and to allow the flux of our emotions to simply ride its course, let things slide, let them go. that is the essence and beauty of tai-chi which i'd like to apply to everything i do, everything i am.

surely it can be that simple. because when you tear down all that anger and jealousy, you will still find that very core of love. and that's the only source of energy we should draw from.

spread the love

so it was a lovely weekend with the shrubs, having dinn, sharing laughs. it's been more than a couple of months and i can see real progress here.
the comfort factor is a plus, and it helps that baby knows exactly what they like in terms of clothes and food. what else could a teen need? and i think showing up at their performance last week was worth its mileage in letting them know that we've still got their backs. i guess at the end of the day, i'm really not seeking approval but more to let them know that whatever changes in the family dynamic, the constant is love, in all its forms, from our thoughtful gestures to simply being quiet and listening. i know that if we keep things real, all of this would amount to lovely memories they would some day look back on and know that they have two sincere souls who love them unconditionally even as the rest of humanity may disappoint or hurt. they've got two mommies on this side of the world for the rest of their lives.

hottie alert!

esp like the guy's expression. he must be thinking, 'now how do i ask this chick out without bringing an orange crate along?' hahaha
if i were her co-worker i wouldn't be able to get anything done, let alone function ;]

"i am the rain (s)he is the sun, and now we've made a rainbow."

i was walking the pooch at 5.30am and appreciating the tranquility of daybreak, thinking how life has turned a 180degrees this year. i am so proud of what the kids have accomplished in their lives, namely how jo has become this grounded individual who is starting to come into her own in terms of her talents and strengths, and jill who thankfully joined her in the same school because the commute would've drained her if she leaves this early everyday had she chosen another further away. this has also brought them so much closer in their shared experiences of school life. i feel a swell in my heart just thinking about them. i could've missed all of this had i left early this year.

and then there's the love of my life. how amazing that in a few months we've forged such a close and deep relationship, something i wouldn't have placed in my agenda this year. let's just say it wasn't on my list of final things to do. i had long convinced myself that i wasn't going to let anyone into my heart, or life for that matter. and here she is, completely artless and real, taking me into her life, intimating her private moments, trusting me with her heart absolutely and unconditionally. it moves me to say the least.

here's just one facet of her loveliness. a hearty brekkie in more ways than one <3333

i know that this is never random nor coincidence. its timeliness is astounding. it's even more beautiful that we had all along touched base and as i told her the other day, i could count the number of peeps in my circles who took genuine interest in my children's lives. it's like life has come full circle from nearly a decade ago and here before me is a friend, lover and partner who knows and lived where i'm coming from. we've seen through so many heartaches before and now we're connecting on a level of two souls who can clearly embrace what we want to build that future together, in truth and light. and with a little, well rather, a lot of help from above.

i will be true

much as i'd like to believe that i have a grip on things most of the time, i'll admit that i'm still grappling with inner demons. so i just want to put it here as a reminder to self and a pledge to you:

1. i will check my ill temper and not let the inane get under my skin
2. when those moments come, i will breathe, take it to prayer and acknowledge the source of anger
3. i will not hurt you in any of it
4. i want us to grow as a couple, managing these moments from strength to strength
5. i do this because you are my world. i would never want to shatter that
6. i love you regardless.

food.sex.love

that defines everything about us in a jot.

i look at baby's meticulous attention to detail in her food preps, and i can't help but melt. it reflects how she takes care of her loved ones, and the effort she goes to make a great meal is everything which defines what i fell for. yes it's a bonus to be with a chef wiz but i think it's even sexier when they do it only to put a smile on your heart. 

and this is why i think we're going to make wonderful memories together. it's about the simple and warm moments of comfort and bliss. and yet it's these very things we do which attracted us to each other. or like i told her, it's strange how turned on i am when she's preoccupied with these tasks because in them i can feel the love and sacrifice. it makes me feel safe and special. and it's all which i need in a future with her.

indeed as GB Shaw once mused, there is no sincerer love than the love of food.

sweet dreams angelface

in case you're fitful at night

I know your eyes in the morning sun I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me I wanna feel you in my arms again
And you come to me on a summer breeze Keep me warm in your love
Then you softly leave  And it's me you need to show
How deep is your love? I really need to learn
'Cause we're living in a world of fools Breakin’ us down
When they all should let us be We belong to you and me
 i believe in you You know the door to my very soul
You're the light in my deepest, darkest hour You're my saviour when I fall
And you may not think I care for you When you know down inside That I really do
And it's me you need to show How deep is your love?
I really need to learn
'Cause we're living in a world of fools
Breakin’ us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

And you come to me on a summer breeze,
Keep me warm in your love
Then you softly leave
And it's me you need to show
How deep is your love?

'what is past is prologue' (Shakespeare, The Tempest II,i)

life is fascinating in that way it catches you when you're in a state of pre-caffine inertia, trawling online mindlessly and there a Pandora's box glimmers at the corner, almost innocuously. you click and you realise, ok, i've just inadvertently stepped into a time-portal. do i close the window or proceed without caution? what will i find in there? how will it affect me?

of course, curious creatures we are and i don't subscribe to coincidence. so i say a lil prayer and venture forth. the dates are clear. they speak of a recent past when she and i starting dating. the entries all melt, they're heartfelt and real. they reflect a wonderful time of discovery and surprises.

then i scroll down and it's what i call the 'before-we-loved-each-other' era hahah. it's privately amusing because in real time we've only dated for months though one would think otherwise. anyway, i tell myself, look, just as i was in an intense long-term relationship where i fell so hard for so long with promises and hope, she likewise had her share of emotional experiences. that's what bound us in the first place. we came from similar places of love and hurt which help us understand where we were each coming from.

so i did a cursory reading of her entries about her past love and surprisingly i didn't feel in any way upset as i thought i would. i guess the only things which used to affect me were when i perceived such sharing as comparison, but that was me. yes, was being the operative word. i was insecure that i wouldn't add up to any of her past r/s because internally i was concerned that what i have to offer her may not be up to her league. i let her past affect our present/future which i now know is completely moot. if we let that higher love manage our relationship, none of this would ever matter because he is navigating us to a future of light and truth. what past we had would fall into another category of hurt and darkness, which he has long paid that in our salvation.

and these words, as always when i'm not really paying attention, appeared in my mind:

• who you are to me is the sum of your narratives. you loved these people
  with every fibre of your being. and you know what? i love you more for it because it shows me again what your heart is.
• which is the constant all 38 years of you and hence also for all x years of you in future

and hence i write this smiling. only because i know what we have is solid. it is built upon trust, faith and grace. it is built upon what our past shaped us to be more appreciative and loving souls. and the future? it looks good. damn good.

我最爱的:

今天如果我死了，我知道我会留下最深的喜悦在我心中的感觉。因为你我充满了这种纯粹的爱与真理。在天堂里，它将会充满巧克力蛋糕，你软的温柔的吻，将我抱在她的蓬松的翅膀，在那里我将永远不会害怕，哭了起来大方跨度为1.8m天使。

haha or perhaps the kantang version is better:

if i should pass on today, i know i will leave with the deepest feeling of joy in my heart. because you have filled me with such pure love and truth. and in paradise, it will be filled with chocolate cupcakes, your soft gentle kisses, and a 1.8m angel who will hold me in her generous span of fluffy wings, where i will never fear or cry again.

'surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.'

if any one asks why my wife is a treasure, i'd just point them this photo.

look! it's sasha

dean's sexier sister hahaha and she happens to also be born in '69

1+1 is still, er 2

and more on numbers, i'm now thinking about what her ex once texted me when i informed her that we were dating, 'good luck.'

hmm perhaps that would be the same thing my ex/s would say to her because i've also had a history of unreasonable behaviour, too many incidents to recount.

but that's the thing, ultimately we all are wired with certain quirks which another would never accept because we can't change the other. and we shouldn't. and if god-willing, some sort of chemistry will result in the combination of two which would somehow straighten itself out. i mean if we were to provide manuals on each other before venturing into a r/s then what's the fun in unraveling all that mystery in the package?

for me admittedly it has been something in between surprise and culture shock. initially i was truly disarmed by her brazen honesty and how she expresses her opinions almost in aspergers-resque spontaneity. it took time to adapt to it and now i can safely say i've honed it into an art of shruggish acceptance, not in any way embarrassed resignation, but more like an endearment that she is that, and always will be. more importantly, i see her. her constancy. how that also translates to a deep loyalty and unchanging devotion. so really, i've learned to flip the situation and suspend judgement. it has to be this way because that what love does. it is embracing and gracious.

on that note, i'm sure she's had her share of adapting to my more than explicable eccentricities.  i do wonder what it's like to live with me too. my anal and set ways of running my life, control-freakish methods of managing everything from how i eat to sleep. so all's fair in love and war they say haha

anyway, i maintain that ultimately all that's important is the present. how we may've been to our ex-s shouldn't matter a toss because we start anew, build a future and all else before that is moot.

6 to 9

good numbers haha!




may our love blossom same darling =]]]

teach less, learn (burn) more

so that adage seems to apply mostly to our confounded system here. these days i find myself spending more time on mindless paperwork which can easily be done by a trained monkey, and paid more i'm sure. and there in lies the proverbial dilemma of work. i enjoy its purview and rewards, i feel mostly gratified by class time, but i return to my desk hoping for a breather but find little scraps of  paper like a tumour growing around the perimeters of my cubicle, taunting to be addressed and i am somehow enslaved to its insidious command of just being there...languishing like a guest overstaying his welcome.

i think i;m in dire need of a real hiatus, like just get away from this country, from my tedious routines and sleep undisturbed for a couple of days, roll on the beach, shop, do nothing. work has become a necessary evil although before it was simply a vocation borne of passion and conviction.

why how when

so it's been an intense week of evaluation. it's funny how you tell yourself to let go and let god but half the time it is our humanity which contradicts everything we claim to be certain of based on a divine assurance. i'm sure if god were here beside us he'd smack us upside the head. well maybe not but it'd be a funny sight.

anyway, i have been looking into reasons why i want to be in a committed relationship. i had to, given the anger and confusion which had served to cloud my heart, or what i'd prefer to call intuitive feelings. the kind where you suspend all sorts of conflicting doubts about decisions you make, e.g anything from getting a tat, clicking and buying a 200dollar pair of kicks right to why you took that leap of faith to marry someone. i know. it's almost trite but true in the lifelong choices i've made.

so we reached a kind of painful stalemate the other night. do we love each other? undoubtedly. do we want to take this to posterity? almost sure. do we love each other to the point of looking past, accepting and understanding each other's personality or values which may at some point cause distress or disappointment? we  couldn't really give each other a solid reply.

we took a break from each other for the next couple of days to sort that out. but last night i realised i didnt really need that much time with it. because, if you love a person dearly and deeply (as i love my pooch), it shouldn't matter how or when or even why. it just is. you may want to toss that creature to the moon for pooping on the rug or eating your last batch of ondeh-ondeh but you don't. simply because you love them for who they are, warts and all, idiosyncracies which grate or quirks which baffle. or like i remind myself when looking at my parents' >60years of marriage, you just let them be and accept. that's exactly what makes my mommy eat dessert in the middle of a main course while my dad gruffs at her while she continues to do so unperturbed. at and the end of the day he holds her in his eyes, strokes her sleepy head and they live happily every after.

that's all the why how and when i need. because she is, i love her deeply and i want to forever.

respite and regression

ever had one of those days where you're so mentally knackered you're on the verge of tears? that pretty much sums up my morning, still reeling from what happened in between the ungodly hours of the evening. one moment i was crashing in bed from a long work day and assorted errands, and thinking to myself, how nice to come home to my partner, in comfortable silence, taking solace in each other's quiet presence, mulching on our devices, parallel play as sociologists term it.

and just before closing my eyes, i'm confronted by my shortcomings. being dense or even lacking in self-awareness about how my actions, or inaction, affects her. i was something in between incredulity and bafflement. what did i not know? that she was in need of affection and i was not forthcoming? have i become too numbed by routine?

so this escalated to an unnecessary row in bed, which i always maintain is the worst possible place to have any sort of angry exchanges because they ruin the mojo of what should be a place of slumber and intimacy. but there we were, in the middle of the night drawing undue hurt and anger for issues which i thought we had long ironed out. i don't know, perhaps i may've swept them under rather than sort them properly.

so now i'm paying the price for ill-timed 'discussions' nursing the mother of all migraines, coupled with a bloaty unpleasantness and nausea from bureacratic hogwash. i wonder why we can't time things better. or why we can't just breathe, embrace and be? what good do we achieve from letting our pride impose itself on another? what is the point of getting your (self) righteous convictions across when all it serves is to drive a wedge deeper in between each other?

i concede to recede. i just want to upkeep the balance and understanding which once made us harmonious and calm. i miss that. i miss the artlessness of saying nothing, the deeper knowledge of a smile over a word, i miss being myself, trusting in the other with every fibre of my being, never having nagging questions before i do or say anything. just being. and being complete with the other. i crave that peace. i need to lie in it for awhile. just breathing, holding. being.

don't look back in anger

so what have i learned this week?

• when your partner wants to buy you something, let her. don't quibble over the pragmatics for it may end up in an unnecessary row
• do not make coffee when your head is still residually soma-dependent. you will snap over the petty 
• never attempt to re-heat pizza in a nuker. it will dry out n taste like an old shoe
• do not let your past issues of being criticised constantly by negative peeps be transferred to your partner when she points things out. she isn't nit-picking but dispensing wise advice
• never eat angry. indigestion is certain
• when all the anger subsides, look in her eyes and see that soul you fell in love with. it wasn't that soul you  were angry at, but perhaps yourself for letting the minor rankle your chains
• say 3 x : it's just PfuckingMS

it's all about food, love and shoes!

i think most marriages would stand the test of time if the couple just recites that as a mantra!

love in any language

twas a great weekend with baby and the shrubs. she was pulling all the stops* to channel her inner mommy and i was just observing both amused and moved. best memory was at cotton on striding purposefully to find the right size blouse for jill while other customers seemed to be flying left and right in her path. reason given was, you need to hurry for such nice blouses coz the sizes get snapped up fast. hahaha damn adorable.

what moves me is how in her own real way of mothering, which shamefully i lack in laziness and possibly taking a lot for granted these 14 odd years. i see them as a part of my life but i think at some point i've assumed everything about their needs from food to clothes. she's a breath of much needed fresh air in my parental neglect and i truly wish for them to appreciate this. let's just say while i'd serve up nuggets and pasta for lunch, she'd make sure all food groups are represented in specifics and taste.

we've sorted out a lot of these arrangements in theory and now we're seeing some of it applied. in time i truly believe they will see her as more than just a nice caring aunt, and hopefully someone who takes on their lives with such devotion because she is driven by that innate love as a committed partner, but mostly from keeping the faith of a higher love.

and yes, she got them clothes which i would've probably missed on a rack and headed for streetwear only worthy of a rap artist hehe. but in my defence, i did spot a fuschia gladiator sandal for jill. yay i even know the fashion term. and it was a steal at $15. perhaps i should swing by sometime to get them each a pair, something turqoisey for jo (which i will consult the fashionista wifey first of course).

*edited to add: baby says that's a marginal version of her real shopping prowess. i stand corrected hahah