respite and regression

ever had one of those days where you're so mentally knackered you're on the verge of tears? that pretty much sums up my morning, still reeling from what happened in between the ungodly hours of the evening. one moment i was crashing in bed from a long work day and assorted errands, and thinking to myself, how nice to come home to my partner, in comfortable silence, taking solace in each other's quiet presence, mulching on our devices, parallel play as sociologists term it.

and just before closing my eyes, i'm confronted by my shortcomings. being dense or even lacking in self-awareness about how my actions, or inaction, affects her. i was something in between incredulity and bafflement. what did i not know? that she was in need of affection and i was not forthcoming? have i become too numbed by routine?

so this escalated to an unnecessary row in bed, which i always maintain is the worst possible place to have any sort of angry exchanges because they ruin the mojo of what should be a place of slumber and intimacy. but there we were, in the middle of the night drawing undue hurt and anger for issues which i thought we had long ironed out. i don't know, perhaps i may've swept them under rather than sort them properly.

so now i'm paying the price for ill-timed 'discussions' nursing the mother of all migraines, coupled with a bloaty unpleasantness and nausea from bureacratic hogwash. i wonder why we can't time things better. or why we can't just breathe, embrace and be? what good do we achieve from letting our pride impose itself on another? what is the point of getting your (self) righteous convictions across when all it serves is to drive a wedge deeper in between each other?

i concede to recede. i just want to upkeep the balance and understanding which once made us harmonious and calm. i miss that. i miss the artlessness of saying nothing, the deeper knowledge of a smile over a word, i miss being myself, trusting in the other with every fibre of my being, never having nagging questions before i do or say anything. just being. and being complete with the other. i crave that peace. i need to lie in it for awhile. just breathing, holding. being.