why how when

so it's been an intense week of evaluation. it's funny how you tell yourself to let go and let god but half the time it is our humanity which contradicts everything we claim to be certain of based on a divine assurance. i'm sure if god were here beside us he'd smack us upside the head. well maybe not but it'd be a funny sight.

anyway, i have been looking into reasons why i want to be in a committed relationship. i had to, given the anger and confusion which had served to cloud my heart, or what i'd prefer to call intuitive feelings. the kind where you suspend all sorts of conflicting doubts about decisions you make, e.g anything from getting a tat, clicking and buying a 200dollar pair of kicks right to why you took that leap of faith to marry someone. i know. it's almost trite but true in the lifelong choices i've made.

so we reached a kind of painful stalemate the other night. do we love each other? undoubtedly. do we want to take this to posterity? almost sure. do we love each other to the point of looking past, accepting and understanding each other's personality or values which may at some point cause distress or disappointment? we  couldn't really give each other a solid reply.

we took a break from each other for the next couple of days to sort that out. but last night i realised i didnt really need that much time with it. because, if you love a person dearly and deeply (as i love my pooch), it shouldn't matter how or when or even why. it just is. you may want to toss that creature to the moon for pooping on the rug or eating your last batch of ondeh-ondeh but you don't. simply because you love them for who they are, warts and all, idiosyncracies which grate or quirks which baffle. or like i remind myself when looking at my parents' >60years of marriage, you just let them be and accept. that's exactly what makes my mommy eat dessert in the middle of a main course while my dad gruffs at her while she continues to do so unperturbed. at and the end of the day he holds her in his eyes, strokes her sleepy head and they live happily every after.

that's all the why how and when i need. because she is, i love her deeply and i want to forever.