timely reminders

last night she laid another guilt bomb by telling me how she was feeling alienated by the latest activities of the family, and then suddenly becoming completely absorbed in getting a dog and accompanying accessories not unlike procuring a child from a third-world economy. i do wonder if this is some form of over-compensation. and of course not before laying another bible-inspired line on me which smacked of the sanctimonious crap which tore us apart.

but these are good reminders to ground me to my resolve. i should not budge from what i had decided a month ago. it has to remain this way because much as there's emotional depth and loyalty, the relationship can never be.so i shouldn't allow that invisible thread to continue holding us together. i should simply not be emotionally involved in any way, despite the gifts and attention. i will have to do this for both of us. a complete cold turkey.

moving forward

it's been a good weekend all around. always when the kids are over.
we had a nice cozy dinner which turned out to be a first in honest sharing.i spoke freely about the break up and they were disarmingly perceptive and mature about everything.it's like i gained two new older friends in a sitting. it was sweet and i totally look forward to more times like these.

then we had a good dinner with the immediately family at beat's restaurant. von looked like a mother whose kid was graduating. she radiated so much pride its a pity she can't come out to herself about this.i'm sure it would change everything.

got home and she was chatting tearily. saying she missed us, esp the kids after seeing their pic on fb. i'm just baffled by how things are. i don't even know where to start. i'm just about ready to start my life over without her but it's hard when we still keep abreast of our daily routines. a part of my really doesn't want to know because it hurts to find out how i've been replaced, but she continues to extend her care and attention like we were still tgt except without the expectations. this could be a good thing but it may also be hindering our progress in self-healing.

in quiet moments i do miss her, and what we had. but in the same token i feel liberated from pleasing someone else in my decisions or the guilt of disappointments. like going to nepal in sept has been my lifelong dream and esp so now when i need to find my center. alone. this wouldn't be possible if we were commited to speinding time tgt. i guess i just need my away time from life.regroup and just find my harmony.

till then, i don't know how to move forward. it's hard and rough on certain days but bearable in others. she is the go-to person when i need to unload or share. it's instinct. yet it may also be detrimental to learning how to be alone.

its strange seeing her nowadays.i feel a mix of sadness and calm.sad because we cant seem to erase the past but calm because at least now we can relate w/o the anger or edge.
i dont know how i feel at this point. i mean i want to just run back to her arms but i dont want to start a new cycle of need.it's like my cousin said i shouldn't confuse loneliness for missing. and i read an article which said its hard to move on when u still comm online. it perpetuates the harmony but also stunts the progress of being no longer in a r/s. its a weird limbo

i know i do enjoy my freedom and doing the things i cant when we were together. it helps me come back to myself. but that feeling of something missing hovers. i dont want it to so i try not to comm where possible, but shes always the first one it think abt when i want to share smth. maybe im not ready to completely let go.

i just want things to stay harmonious. we have that now more than ever before and i find that i can be with her without all the expectations. its like a good friendship but without the benefits or commitment. yet it pains me when she is possibly going out or talking with people who may want more from her. i dont know. i just want this stagnant feeling to go away. i dont sleep well too when that bugs me too much. i need sleep .i feel like a fucking zombie w a really bad headache.

actual time of death.now

so last night in a possible beer-induced sentiment, i told her what i really felt.that i regretted throwing the r/s away and wanted to work on starting over, being my most honest and raw about how i felt.no more walls,no more pretences of caring when it was really about getting back.

of course in life this would be a forgone conclusion, unlike the inane onscreen romances. she put out a whole list of reasons why we need to work on ourselves, like there is a timeline of self-improvement so unrealistic i wanted to yell in exasperation. two people only need to love each other enough to work a compromise of acceptance, not go through some long-drawn journey of changing your values and inherent character. this is messed up. if we had to do this for every r/s we wld end up seriously bi-polar. A meets B, they fall in love, they are very different but they love each other anyway. isn't that a fucking simple equation?

so i crashed in the middle of this back-and-forth because i was so physically n mentally drained. by this morning clarity hit me. this has become ridiculous. plain and simple, i just want to start over, not by changing my default self, but by adjusting to her needs. she on the other hand awaits a miracle that i will become her ideal mate who believes in the same things she does. so it has become so obvious that love really isn't enough. something i subscribed to but apparently in our human realm its fucking bollocks.

so in sheer tiredness i have officially given up. love is love. it will fade in time, as it did many r/s before. we can't cling on to that last remnance of that love will see it through because unlike the inane onscreen romances which seldom develops the ever after, real-life r/s wakes up and sees that once again, love isn't fucking enough.

friends and lovers

the old adage holds true -- you can't be friends with ex-lovers. its too hard. there will always be undercurrents of past hurts or future fears of hurt.

that said i will have to teach myself the fine art of maintaining permanent distance. it's only for my own peace and harmony.i want to stop feeling so wrought or affected by another person. it's not healthy or sound.

today as i trundled in my self-imposed misery, an old woman with a severe bold-legged condition ambled painfully in front of me. i wondered how she lived with this prolonged suffering. did she accept her infirmity as a sum of all parts? makes you think.

daily mantra

admittedly this has been a long painful journey. i have moved forward only to take two steps back. i am really tired inside because all that pretence of healing can sometimes drain your resolve.
everyone thinks i am coping well, maybe because i want them to think that so i dont feel pitied. i hate pity more than anything else.
so i've withdrawn a lot when i can and i suppose my private pain will remain as it were.

i just want to fade into a quiet place of oblivion. it is less tiring.
----

she came over this evening bearing food to comfort me. i felt both grateful but sad. we still care abt each other but it just makes the situation sadder because i know the love is no longer the same. i don't want to lose her, but i don't want at this point to be her pity project either. we should completely be away  from each other or together. i can't see how i can keep things simple with this r/s when i still feel deeply for her. it's tormenting to be close yet so far with no future of any reconciliation. making peace is easy at this point, but it doesnt change that deep sadness of not having the relationship as it was before. i feel torn. to walk away for ever, or to languish in this unspoken pain.

i just want to be numb. to stop feeling. why does it still hurt?

getting back to me

so i'm feeling a lot more centered these days. i know this because i am feeling less edgy or easily angered. take yst for e.g when i was cut at the intersection too many times and when i find out that i can't get that vehicle due to ridiculous MAS ruling. it's insane to cough upfront for a 5y.o car even if it was ideal for transporting bike, kids,dog.

i have become more accepting of things around me too. it is pointless to get mad at things you can't change or be upset that people are going to behave in a certain manner. it is their choice and right. i respect that and will just shrug and move on.

moving on is something which takes training and acceptance. it is hard but i am getting there. in the meantime, i focus on what's positive around me. starting with my work day, making students see the beauty in good writing, in appreciating their education more one narrative at a time. they respond positively when you channel your light in everything you do. you inspire when you're inspiring, simple as that.

at home i try to keep things simple. meals, cleanliness, time with the pooch, read, watch, play. all about moments. never dwell. just do and be. it helps to keep me mindful that every moment is harmony. with the kids it will be even better coz now i can focus on being there for them in any way possible, run errands, bring them for meals. it's all good. i feel like i'm back to me again in 2007 when i managed all this on my own and made the home a lovely place to live in.

that's all i need from here on really. of course with the occasional treat to self and kids which make the income meaningful. eventually i can really come back to who i love about myself and then i will live life better, calmer, surer.

the storm has passed

so after a week of serious grieving and gut-wrenching moments of self-knowledge, i have begun to breathe and eat a little more. i've dropped 5kg but its a good weight and i should try to maintain it because at least i dont feel too sluggish or uncomfortable around the girth.

it helped having the kids around the weekend. they are such lovely darlings. something about them has grown up and i can relate so much better than their tween years. they've become so insightful and brilliant individuals with hearts of gold. just thinking of them now makes my heart swell it hurts.

things between j n i are a lot calmer and we've both gone through our personal hells but it's good. it's going to get better as long as we continue to focus on healing ourselves. we've both hurt and been hurt and the only way to get through this is to forgive each other and ourselves. it takes time and a lot of will sometimes but that's what a journey of healing requires.

i have taken much solace in buddhist philosophy and tried to apply it where possible. it's not that i've abandoned my beliefs in god but i am going to assume he can speak through any medium if the source is with pure intentions to better oneself. i especially subscribe to focusing on the present good. it makes everything else dissolve into irrelavance and helps me move forward, while reveling in the good memories about everything in our lives. those are really fulfilling and complete and timeless. it brings us back to who we love about ourselves in relation to our loved ones.

so from here on i will try to live my purpose here as far as i can and in as fruitful a way as possible. starting with being a better mom, teacher and friend. the partner that i will be with deserves the best of me.

rebirth renewal regroup

i love these words. they capture exactly how i feel these days about life.

first up i truly want to reconnect with my inner peace. the grounded sense of being right with myself spiritually. i've gotten a tatt to symbolise this journey and a constant reminder to slow down and breathe. it will be my motto till the end light


i want to purchase this car to renew whatever bad stuff that was associated with the old one. the handle's off, the a/c is iffy and the spoilers are well, spoilt haha too many mishaps with the bad curb jobs and you have a scuffed left rim and a rattling noise.
 

i especially like this model and colour because they represent what i want to be -- strong, sturdy and bright, with white as purity and light. my light. i shall christen it, 'आभा' or Abha which means splendour or light. but its street name shall be Yuki 雪 (snow in japanese haha). i esp like the carplate which SJJ6960I = my two girls' initials, my birth year and month and I of course

i want to regroup in terms of my focus in life. i once told myself two years ago that this would be the kids and myself. well it was a sound way of living and i will start with focusing on buddhism, it's philosophies truly speak deeply to me with its pragmatic wisdom, starting with imbibing these two very useful books:

they will provide guidance in my path to harmony and centering myself.

so here's to salvaging the rest of 2013 with a semblance of strength. emotionally i am drained but at least mentally and spiritually i will recharge.

i am ready.
anyday now
i am done
just go

make the pain go away.please

time of death, 6.45am 7/7/13

so last night i packed her things coz i needed to keep busy after the final blow up which left me numb and tired. this morning a part of me thought i'd just go up to her home first to see how things were before i unloaded her stuff.
but seeing how she chucked my dad's cake box and base in the boot (she could've slid it into the back seat) left a very horrible feeling in my tummy. it was mean and uncalled for. he has nothing to do with how our r/s has become. even if last night i let her know every single thought of her, there was  no need to behave that way.

i drove home with a sense of release. i'm sure i will grieve the loss of the r/s but in time not the loss of her as a partner. she was good with the kids but she didn't grasp what they really needed. she assumed a lot which besides her pride, was her need to assimilate the family as best she could. too bad that is also the reason we fell apart. the very thing i hoped for in a partner turned out to be bad for the r/s

of course there were other unresolvable issues like our differing faith and personalities. we wanted this to work but at the expense of what we loved about ourselves, causing us to become so unhappy. r/s are about compromise but not to the point when you start having so much self-doubt in what you believed in before. it's really for the better in the long run if we don't want to insidiously ruin each other emotionally and psychologically.

well, as bunny so pragmatically put, there are other fishes in the sea. overused cliche but as always weighted with wisdom. my rejoinder, i'm not interested in fishing anymore haha. and reallly tired to add.

more than anything right now i want to break away from repeated patterns of codependency. a relationship should never be a need, nor should it define who you are. i want to spend the rest of my life reprogramming a cycle of need which often blinds the effort in a r/s. it takes so much more than to try and  please another person. that was what became of us. we weren't loving, but pleasing. this often leads to both expectations and subsequent disappointment. the r/s was fraying from that and we didn;t or couldn't see it.

so from here on i want to focus on achieving that absolute peace from self-sufficiency, much like my motto years ago when i was on my road to healing. the mantra: numb, neutral needing nothing was really a good way to go. and then i can truly love who i am again, let go of the guilt and blame.

decisions 2

it's been a rough emotional month but i don't want to revisit any of it.
instead i want to focus on future projects and plans which will not require anything other than practical considerations, and money.lots of it, maybe it i keep chanting it will fall on my lap

• a new vehicle
• a new kitchen
• a good family holiday
• new appliances

that's all we do. materialistic concerns, no different from the old days of Miller's plays which i've been reading of late. our country isn't any different. we'd trade so much of our soul for the things we cant take with us to the other side

so hows this for daydreaming?

be mine