daily mantra

admittedly this has been a long painful journey. i have moved forward only to take two steps back. i am really tired inside because all that pretence of healing can sometimes drain your resolve.
everyone thinks i am coping well, maybe because i want them to think that so i dont feel pitied. i hate pity more than anything else.
so i've withdrawn a lot when i can and i suppose my private pain will remain as it were.

i just want to fade into a quiet place of oblivion. it is less tiring.
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she came over this evening bearing food to comfort me. i felt both grateful but sad. we still care abt each other but it just makes the situation sadder because i know the love is no longer the same. i don't want to lose her, but i don't want at this point to be her pity project either. we should completely be away  from each other or together. i can't see how i can keep things simple with this r/s when i still feel deeply for her. it's tormenting to be close yet so far with no future of any reconciliation. making peace is easy at this point, but it doesnt change that deep sadness of not having the relationship as it was before. i feel torn. to walk away for ever, or to languish in this unspoken pain.

i just want to be numb. to stop feeling. why does it still hurt?