so after a week of serious grieving and gut-wrenching moments of self-knowledge, i have begun to breathe and eat a little more. i've dropped 5kg but its a good weight and i should try to maintain it because at least i dont feel too sluggish or uncomfortable around the girth.
it helped having the kids around the weekend. they are such lovely darlings. something about them has grown up and i can relate so much better than their tween years. they've become so insightful and brilliant individuals with hearts of gold. just thinking of them now makes my heart swell it hurts.
things between j n i are a lot calmer and we've both gone through our personal hells but it's good. it's going to get better as long as we continue to focus on healing ourselves. we've both hurt and been hurt and the only way to get through this is to forgive each other and ourselves. it takes time and a lot of will sometimes but that's what a journey of healing requires.
i have taken much solace in buddhist philosophy and tried to apply it where possible. it's not that i've abandoned my beliefs in god but i am going to assume he can speak through any medium if the source is with pure intentions to better oneself. i especially subscribe to focusing on the present good. it makes everything else dissolve into irrelavance and helps me move forward, while reveling in the good memories about everything in our lives. those are really fulfilling and complete and timeless. it brings us back to who we love about ourselves in relation to our loved ones.
so from here on i will try to live my purpose here as far as i can and in as fruitful a way as possible. starting with being a better mom, teacher and friend. the partner that i will be with deserves the best of me.
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