moving forward

it's been a good weekend all around. always when the kids are over.
we had a nice cozy dinner which turned out to be a first in honest sharing.i spoke freely about the break up and they were disarmingly perceptive and mature about everything.it's like i gained two new older friends in a sitting. it was sweet and i totally look forward to more times like these.

then we had a good dinner with the immediately family at beat's restaurant. von looked like a mother whose kid was graduating. she radiated so much pride its a pity she can't come out to herself about this.i'm sure it would change everything.

got home and she was chatting tearily. saying she missed us, esp the kids after seeing their pic on fb. i'm just baffled by how things are. i don't even know where to start. i'm just about ready to start my life over without her but it's hard when we still keep abreast of our daily routines. a part of my really doesn't want to know because it hurts to find out how i've been replaced, but she continues to extend her care and attention like we were still tgt except without the expectations. this could be a good thing but it may also be hindering our progress in self-healing.

in quiet moments i do miss her, and what we had. but in the same token i feel liberated from pleasing someone else in my decisions or the guilt of disappointments. like going to nepal in sept has been my lifelong dream and esp so now when i need to find my center. alone. this wouldn't be possible if we were commited to speinding time tgt. i guess i just need my away time from life.regroup and just find my harmony.

till then, i don't know how to move forward. it's hard and rough on certain days but bearable in others. she is the go-to person when i need to unload or share. it's instinct. yet it may also be detrimental to learning how to be alone.