now it feels like home

so the shrubs will be with me all of december and i couldn't be happier. i love hearing their giggles and silly antics, just watching them sleep, goofing with lexi, doing the banal little things in the next room. it really fills the home with life. i guess my depression really started in 2010 when they moved in with their dad. it was a practical decision but still no less difficult. i sobbed the entire time they were gone. yes it's silly isn't it? it felt like someone ripped out my heart. the best parts of it.

then after my last break up i saw myself trying to atone for every single neglect and guilty conscience. this came in overcompensating with iphones, lavish meals and vacations. all that time they were baffled and sometimes felt bad that i was spending so much but i kept assuring them it was within my means. i guess they really thought i was dying. well i did too so well, funny how that panned out. my pancreas has not really been malfunctioning given my black-outs have not occured so frequently.

this christmas will be extra special because i dont feel entirely empty. last year i felt mostly numb and i would laugh along with them in that way you feel like its coming from somewhere else. this year it really feels like it's deep in the belly, hearty and content. it has to do with healing and redemption. and a renewal of what's ahead. i know i want this to be the best end to an otherwise challenging year of changes. more so i look forward to new depths of our relationship as a family, including the wife and our future plans.

my niece's bat mitzvah was quite the eye-opener

what touched me most was how her parents and community rallied around something like a glorified bd party; her dad esp providing all the home-made good eats.he's really a prince amongst men

a weepfest we thoroughly enjoyed

i love discussing films with them. this one really made them think. and the buddhabar-esque soundtrack is awesome haha imagine being subjected to it for 2 hrs instead of just a car ride