atonement

that sums up best the year 2012

last year i spent the better part of it trying to grapple with the ghosts of my errors, and then spending the rest of it in guilt and self-loathing. it wasn't so much my break up grief but the people i'd hurt from it, namely my kids.

so this year i did my best to atone and heal.i think i did relatively well in this, without trying too hard as before. rather than ply them with gifts of compensation, i tried to change the approach of my relationship with them. to be less of a friend, more of a mother, to be supportive rather than intrusive, to let my guard down rather than to withold, and the results of this have been more than gratifying.

tonight i was awoken by an ambivalent dream, possibly induced by too many cold relief pills. as i watched my partner move on to a fulfilling life with another both personally and financially, i could only smile for her happiness because i knew i could never be unselfish about her fulfilment.

and then i spoke these words to the kids: i will always be with you, when you hear a good song you'd think i'd be grooving to it, when you share a good laugh you'd hear me guffaw through your own, when you watch a sublime film you'd think of my enthusiastic dispensing of opinions, when you sleep you will feel my gentle kisses,when you walk in the sun you will feel a gentle breeze caress you as i would. and you will be so happy and laugh and live because that will be exactly how i lived with you. and when the world around you falls apart, you will feel me right behind you because i will always have your back.

anyway i woke and felt i had to put this all down. who knows what the year ahead brings? all i know is what remains constant and true -- love. unconditionally given. without strings. that's the sort only a mother can really give or comprehend. and really all i need to acknowledge to look back, smile, watch them laugh and love, and go completely in peace.
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on another insight, i've never been a part of the lesbian community here despite having been out for >a decade. i used to think because i was just culturally apart from it in terms of language and values -- most of them speak mandarin and party and drink a lot. but then i realised it's because my experiences were completely diverse from most of them. to begin with a lot of these women identified gay in their youths, struggled with the marginalizations of that and grew up with very defensive views of society, or a certain complex about themselves, which they coped by being either alcoholic-inclined or to lavish all their earnings to buy bigger apartments or cars. it was like a lash back to everything they felt wrong about society's judgement of themselves. i on the other hand was the boring statistic of graduate-marrying 2.5 children producing member of society which made me a anomaly in the gay community. so when i got to know more of and about these women, i always felt alone.i could never really relate to their values as they did mine. to them i was so bi-curious person subverting the stereotype ( the countless reactions,' you were married?' 'you have kids' i can recall). and now looking at my partner's circles who mostly fall n the above community i once again feel that distant. our experiences tend to end at work or relationships. when the kids or marriage thing come up there will be awkward silence. but i guess that comes with late-blooming out. i don't get their substitutes for kids or the responsibilites of motherhood replaced by pooches/felines. i certainly don't get the extravagance of entertainment and dining to assert their female independence.or maybe i'm just a freak.