the politics of give and take

what i've learned the past week mostly about myself is i've much trouble accepting the help of others, this extends to asking it from my partner, even sharing the simplest need of me-time and rest.to our credit, it has been an intense couple of months of learning, and at times, unlearning. learning to relent and let her take care of me because i've spent most of my life being the care-giver.

perhaps the man upstairs is sending a clear message.viv, you're in your 40s. fatigue becomes an issue when you're working and have two kids to look after. she was sent to help you, not add to that list. i'm also discovering how to trust more in the kindness of others, and not feel burdened by guilt or expectations. it's something i've grappled with for a long time.

i guess once i can put that aside, my focus in loving someone else will be less complex, letting the relationship grow in its natural pace, allowing myself to also grow with it, become less anal about setting up plans, fulfilling roles or following through my goals. whatever will be will be, indeed. i'm just glad she has been so kind and patient about my quirks and neuroses, accepting set ways i do things, or even my difficult mood-swings. i want to tweak and improve this about myself. only because i do truly believe in bringing this through the long-haul. and working on communicating these fears and idiosyncrasies one day at a time will surely reap such deep and gratifying rewards.