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it's been the absolutely fabulousest way to end what was a horrendous year of crap all around. japan being the highlight and too many moments with the shrubs to recount. it was definitely a much needed respite plus reflection on how and who i've become. 2011 has been a year of deep awareness of my strengths and limitations.

strengths: as a mom, care-giver and friend. as a teacher,mentor and role-model. as a person i was especially impressed by my resilience to suffering and ability to take on more unchartered territory both geographically and emotionally

limits: i can't always rely on my physique to take me through plausible pain, or even irrepairable maladies. i also fail terribly at moving on from a failed r/s. perhaps it was my pride more than sentiment which hindered my progress but ultimately acknowledging that flaw is helping me take babysteps with it. i hate to lose.i hate to fail. that will always be my achiles heel.

high points: making amends with family, learning to express myself better with my folks, seeing the joy in jo and jill's eyes on mount fuji, hakone and having simple bento meals at the end of the day stretched on our hotel beds, refreshing my rusty japanese on hapless strangers haha and well, just being able to see what's really out there from our daily banal routines.

low points: nearly killing myself over a futile r/s of abuse. i now realise how we had abused each other, me emotionally and she by her disregard for what i had sacrificed to keep us going. she will never get it from my viewpoint and i can never make her understand. until she meets someone half her age and ends up being the giver all the time, she will never grasp how how it was from my end, with kids in tow. but rather than beat myself up over it, i had to also let go. i guess in all honesty i stopped loving the new version of her. i wanted to preserve that artless 17-19 yo till eternity,but then that in itself is sociopathic..ah r/s are really the curse of the gods. we should only breed children then die.

it was a year of absurdity and sublimity.tg it's also going to be my last.