numb.

have spent a good week evaluating myself to death and i've come to terms with who/what i am

1. i thrive best when i rely on self. that way i have no expectations / disappointments
2. it was my destiny to have kids because unlike partners, they are your flesh and blood and instinctively you will love them unconditionally and this has made me less self-involved
3. i spent the last 25 years trying to find that ideal mate who could accept me for who i am but it was a lot harder to do the reverse, hence a chain of relationships which broke down because i was never able to really give of myself / trust / accomodate. maybe that explains why i was told that comparatively i failed to take care of her as well as her previous partners. it cuts deeply but as they say, you need to be cruel to be kind.
4. i want to spend the rest of my life atoning for that but i fear the old habits will kick in and i will retreat to that bubble where i feel safe from hurt or betrayal
5. i love my kids and dog because they represent what i feel right about myself when with them i truly love who i am
6. presently, i don't always love who i am when my partner makes me feel like i have fallen short of being adequate for her needs. this tears me inside and upsets that inner harmony which keeps me from being self-destructive. perhaps that's what they mean by dysfunction.
7.  i feel disconnected from people most of the time because they baffle me with their inane views of the universe or they do not apply their god-given intellect. this makes me socially a snob and it's something i'm not proud of, yet it grounds me to some form of order and sense which is both calming and comforting

so there it is. as brutally honest and without malice. i am who i am and i can't explain it any clearer. for that reason, i never expect anyone who isn't related to me to ever grasp or accept that. if that is possibly the cause of all my break downs in relationships then it is a fate i will live with till my last breath.

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mummy's death anniversary today also reminds me to keep it real for the kids

looking at this pic brings back a time of innocence and joy. i really want to channel this for myself and not think of the bad stuff associated with childhood. i know she loved me dearly but at times was helpless to deal with my personality. i know i can be as strong as she was in managing her challenges. that strength will live on through me in the face of adversity.