today at the gym while catching my breath by the window after a session of kickboxing, i notice a hummingbird going about its business so busily, you know how small these creatures are so its fascinating to actually catch one in action. it went about its days like the world didnt matter around it, just fixated on its task for whatever its instincts required. this to me is a sound lesson on mindfulness, such wonderful purpose in simplicity when humanity has complicated things too much and to mostly futile ends, i might add.
so after a week of solitude i've learned the best way to deal with setbacks:
first you shouldn't channel any universal explanations to why you're in a rut. it just is. no entity is playing you nor is this some part of a perverse divine plan. i strongly believe that somedays one's timing is just out of wack, and you may miss the bus by 10sec or you may get caught in a jam by deciding to detour last minute, or maybe you reach a place only to have the lift repaired by a minute...these things happen, nothing is controlling the wheel of your er, fortune. so in an existential moment, the rest of your day may be determined by a whole chain of events possibly linked in a xeno's paradox sort of way where you have no real control of except to let each moment unravel. it sounds a little convoluted but that best explains things in reason rather than spiritual or emotional responses.
and once you're riding the predicament, don't fret or let your mind become fuzzy. nor succumb to a self-imposed state of existential crisis, but keep a presence of mind and talk yourself through the measures of rectification. the latest the episode of recovering items in my stolen wallet is like a quest no different from an online game. one at a time, no haste, just within a pace you can manage, as a choice, not a compulsion. that way you don't get all flustered by the rest of humanity but simply write your own narrative and not let others control it for you.
in all things take solace that you still give a toss. most people would blame, run or essentially try to find a reason for everything, or convince themselves a higher order is persecuting them or teaching them. most likely i believe it is just our own soul or conscience if you like which teaches us. it is an untapped source of wisdom which grounds us to sense and calm. we ought to tune in more often and perhaps gain some form of control to avert bad choices.
so i have learned much more about my own strengths than i possibly thought i could. every little roadblock is not perceived as one but like a game, an opportunity to rely on my inner wisdom to grow and become self-sufficient as a result. it's funny how when giving my police statement, i was asked at least 3 times who i lived with and by the third reply that i lived alone, i heard my soul say, you go girl, you have become such an impermeably independent soul that there is absolutely nothing you can't do on your own, and still lend your strength to others.i've never been a cry baby even from young and i remember the absolute joy procuring my first racer bike and tearing down the island from east to west even at 15yo because the freedom and autonomy of not relying on anyone to get me places was indescribable.
i had written my own narrative up till my 44th bd and will go on to do same until my last breath, which i know will also be a chapter i will complete on my own, on my own terms.
afterthought: this may also explain why in my entire dating history it has been my independent and confident (resilient even) spirit which had drawn them. even if they want to take care of me, they know they don't need to. some fell away as a result of this because they felt redundant. perhaps that is the reason why i am most at peace when alone, because i need not explain this to anyone, that i love who i am and what i have made myself to be.
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