prana

a strange heaviness hangs deep. i guess i'm still processing the week's challenge. it was a long week in more ways than one. first it was the shocker about Ah Sim, whose name i only found out from my neighbour. i can't put my finger on the grief except that she was a sort of light-angel to me. everytime we met even briefly in the lift, she uplifted my spirits with her genuine smile and calm demeanour. i craved that especially in the dark moments of my life. so to see her face on her coffin was both shocking and sad. i had seen her just last week sitting alone staring into space like she was  waiting for someone. perhaps she knew. it's really mysterious.


and by the end of the week i had my own version of catharsis, well perhaps more an insight into what i was doing all wrong.
i had spent the week trying to make amends for how i hurt her, maybe the misguided notion that by spending time with her and running favours and errands, we will eventually reconcile our differences and work towards repair. but i hadn't been completely honest with myself because i harboured expectations that this would in fact be the outcome when on her side she probably just wanted to spend time with me with no forward intentions. something like that. so when i let slip in a moment of sentiment that i loved her, it was responded by 'what's the point?' which is probably a fitting summary to this push-pull emotions or deluded sense of second chances.

the fact remained that no matter what we try to do we would never change to fit each other's personalities and values. so hanging on in this strange relationship of not quite lovers but still exclusive friends made things even more vague and confusing. she of course did not understand this as she sees things very simplistically, i.e you can still be ordinary friends even if we had barely broken up a month ago.

but i know internally i wasn't happy and i feared cycles of hurt from such a dangerously close friendship with deep emotional needs and trust which bordered on a partnership but without the 'benefits'. it became clear to me that we were both doing this for very different reasons. her from wanting to still have me as a close dependable friend with kids she adored and me from the deluded hope of getting back together even if instinctively i knew was a bad idea so it probably came from need rather than want.

ok so i sorted it out and by wednesday night i thought it was time to make a clean break, cold turkey even it sent her to a very dark place of hurt and anger. i'm sure in time this would be a sound decision because languishing in this manner was only going to build resentment on my part. who needs this when i've already things to sort out in my own healing?

anyway, i do feel a dull numb feeling of blah but i'm trying to fix myself through mindful breathing and focusing on what's out there. first i have to settle my finances and admin for the new car, then i  have a few new teaching assignments, and the kids' exams ahead which will require supervision and tlc, and my day job with their exams ahead, and that longawaited nepal trip and then seoul in december. there are real things to plan ahead so emotionally i really do not need to engage with the past anymore. with each detachment comes and acceptance and with that true healing.

and maybe for xmas i will reward myself with a left inner wrist tattoo to remind myself of my light and inner strength:


it is a tribal lotus with the inscribed prana meaning life-force in sanskrit

ah well, it's going to be all right. i will really have to work on my inner disciplines of mindfulness and attainment. a day at a time