thank you, hon for keeping it real.

Everything is relative in life. I am nobody to judge or comment but I know I am able to come this far in managing my emotions/relationships especially in recent years is I know my self worth. Whatever happened in the past however bad or painful, they serve to make me stronger and wiser. They are not meant to haunt me and remind me of failures and anxiety of not being good enough. I learnt how to be honest and be kinder to myself. Because I see how I hurt people when I think wot the fuck did I do that wasn't good enough that people think that wat. But in actual fact I was the only consumed by it and others' life went on merrily. When u have self doubts u r not good enough in ur work, look at it desk, see the change u have brought to ur students' lives & how u touched them. When u feel ur fucking best efforts are not good enough for the kids, remember their cheeky smile and the twinkle in their eyes when they laughed with u and say the quirky things only they do because they have ur innate cleverness. And when u think ur fucking best is not enough for me, I hope u recall times when I held u tight, watch u eat the food I prepared and I hope u saw the love in my eyes and that those moments are what touched my heart, I hope these things and moments are what matters and will help u push those self doubt of not being good enough for anyone out of ur head. I can only hope that in time to come to internalize all these and its clear as day but I know its going to take time so I wait. As for the rest of humanity, they can be whatever they want because I am only gg to surround myself with good. In thoughts, actions and words, people, whenever I possibly can.

And everyone u have touched in ur own way, whatever u have done to help, make them happy, in whatever way, u may not see the results right away. Life is a journey isn't it? However fucked humanity is, we try to find something good too right? Tts why I truly am thankful for all that I have been blessed with especially this year. I have learnt, grown and gainef so much in love and blessings. If u r tired, if u r sick of everything, then let them go. Carrying tt invisible ruler of measurement and alarm clock of reminder must feel horrible. But somehow u have become used to them. I guess breaking old habits and forming new ones is a process. Takes time. But it also takes discipline and determination. And in true civil servant speak, last but not least, every is a brand new day. We can have a choice to embrace, focus and fill it with love, good things/tots and more or give in to the easier feeling of what's the point, its a ducking dismal world with fucked up people and the likes. I guess its like when how I started exercising after 20 years, it was so hard. But now that I have conscientiously done it for a year, I find it easier and easier. So baby, really, don't judge yourself anymore, and judge yourself so harshly. U r so good in many ways u know.

• A relationship to me is a partnership. Its what we make of it. I don't need u to 'take care' of me. We take care of each other in whatever ways there are.
• And unless u see me in the role of your ex husband then I have nothing to say
• And as for last nights post it was really a think out loud moment because I had worked with a raging fever winter before and I was ok and when I was burning up rapidly last night tts the question in my head tts all. It has never crossed my mind that I wanted u to come over or anything else and not a back handed way to insinuate tt u don't take care of me enough. I don't need or want what strong woman as my partner. I just want a partner who wants to work through things with me and trust me enough to walk in life with her
  
  wow. i don't think baby has written so much in a sitting before, save when we have our tiffs.  and all i could reply when floored by her unusual display of verbosity (in a good way of course, since i'm always the one rambling ) was:
  " invisible ruler of measurement " nice metaphor. sry occupational hazard
  
  i love how your partner can surprise you every turn. <333
  
  more importantly, she's the only one i can be serious and silly with. like the other day when we met for lunch she brought with her the batch of cookies she made, opened the box and said, see b, smell and as i reached to take one said, no you will spoil your dinner. i told her that was tantamount to spousal abuse and we guffawed all the way in the car. it felt like we were married for decades.