Joelle and Jillian,
This is the first letter I am writing to both of you. First, I want to thank you for accepting me into your lives, I appreciate that you have taken time to learn about me in your respective ways.
I have pondered on how to pen this but I have decided to just tell you as honestly and as sincerely as I can. Please know that I am not lecturing, not judging or censuring you. If you have noticed during the times that we have spent together, you’d notice that I am what you’d call ‘what you see is what you get’. I don’t do fake very well.
I am writing this because you two and mummy are my family. And a family does not have secrets, nurse grudges or bear secret hurts. Being family means a bond that can never be broken.
So take some time to read this letter. If you do not feel it’s worth a read you can toss it or just take it that I am just blabbering but do give it a read and place everything that I have said in your heart and conscience. If then you still feel that it’s a crock of shit, then really erase it from your memory.
Today I want to talk to you about a person. She is your mom Vivian Loh Ai Ming.
To you, she is somebody you call mummy. Have you in your respective 15 and 13 years considered the significance behind this word? She is a daughter, once someone’s wife, a mother, a teacher and mentor and most of all she is an individual. But when she became a mother, she gave up being an individual and placed your needs before hers, I am not putting her on a pedestal because that’s what mothers do.
So in keeping with my blunt or as my friends would describe as very honest nature, I want to address this with you Jo – about being gay. You felt that when mummy came out to you years back you couldn’t handle it because you were too young. Yesterday you asked mummy why didn’t she tell you guys she was poor instead of telling you that she was gay? So now I ask you now that you are all of 15 years old – what is the difference? Her being poor or gay changed the fact that she still cared, took care and loved you? Nobody chooses to be gay and I do not care who says poisonous and ill informed things. Being gay is not a lifestyle. It’s is not a fashion fad.
I could lay all the psychology and sociology findings for you that being gay is not something you wake up and decide to ‘be’. But we are beyond that, I am sure in this age of technology you are more than capable of searching for all relevant literature on this. And honestly as a Sociology graduate, there’s no such thing as being gay or straight, right or wrong because everything is relative in what you are conditioned to believe. And sadly mainstream population has been taught that being straight is the right way to be. What if everyone started with the notion that being gay is the norm? Then what, but I digress. What I want to tell you is that mommy is a person in her own right too, she struggled with herself, thought long and hard of the consequences and everything that you can’t even imagine.
You may feel that her coming out to you damaged you emotionally somewhat back then but I want to let you know that she was doing the best that she could. There is no such instruction in the motherhood guidebook how to broach such topics with one’s children. In fact, there’s no such guidebook even for life. You do the best you can. So in such a situation, does mummy deserve to be herself? After coming to terms with herself, knowing the road ahead would be less than easy with so many people judging her and societal pressure, does she deserve to be brave and take on a life which she can finally be comfortable in her own skin and acknowledge the person within that is her?
What if Jo one day you are told that you are no longer allowed to be creative, not allowed to be an artist, not allowed to draw, do crafts, take pictures and Jill, you are not allowed to be verbose, you are not allowed to be useful, lead and be outstanding, basically just be a someone you do not feel comfortable being. Basically asking the two of you to give up being yourself, please be truthful and tell me that’ll be the easiest decision you’d ever make and be happy making it.
At the cusp of 40, I cannot tell you that I know everything but I have gone through a lot in life to be able to see things on a very much broader perspective and deeper level. I could have died years ago but I didn’t and through the grace of God, I have learnt many things that touched the core of me, which is why I am grateful for all that I have gone through. I don’t know what kind of person you think she is but to me, Vivian Loh Ai Ming is a remarkable woman.
What I say below and I am not even scratching the surface is why I think she is remarkable.
On 15 December 1997, while pregnant with you, her water broke at 12 and she was alone because your dad had to travel for work. Gong gong and mama had to rush her to the hospital where she had to endure excruciating contractions for 48 hours before giving birth to you, Jo. Let me put it down for the record that this is not a guilt trip for anyone. I am recounting because it needs to be said. She is alone, in pain and most of all scared and worried about delivering you healthily because you were so premature. Do you know why you are named Joelle? It’s because it means you are her miracle, you are a child of God. When I listen to her recount how the doctors did tests on your tiny baby body, I could feel her heartache. Because she is your mother, she feels pain when you feel pain. By God’s grace you were kept safe.
Jillian, when you said mummy has not cared for the past five years, why should she start now? So I put it to you, how has she not cared, not only in the past five years? At 13 I believe your memory should still be very good. Did mummy provide a fun and happy environment when you were growing up? Did she not ensure that you guys had enough to eat even when she was trying to get life back in order, earning more money, taking on tuition? She may not have been a conventional housewifey kind of mother fussing and all, but let me assure you that it’s no mean feat to take care of children while having to work and also providing them a safe, healthy and happy home. I saw how she keeps your photos, videos, crafts and more. Why does she do it? Because she was bored? Why did she quit her job and stay home to raise you and Jo? Because she believes that she couldn’t give you all the attention you both deserve if she held down her job. Your dad travelled a lot for work and some times long periods too. Can you begin to fathom how tough it is on mummy emotionally and mentally to be raising two children practically on her own? But she relished the time spent with you, recording every precious moment in her heart but you were too young to recall and I know for a fact that she’d still make the decision to stay home and give you the best she can if she had to choose it all over again.
Mummy doesn’t need me to defend her because there’s nothing to defend. I am saying this with respect to the supposedly letter(s) she wrote to your stepmother about asking her to be your mom which essentially means relinquishing you both to her. I wish you both can hear my incredulity screaming from my keyboard right now. Try slicing flesh off mummy’s body. That’s what means to give you up. Do you know what hurts mummy so deeply? It’s not the fact that another fed you such untruths. It’s the fact that you believed such a thing. A mother will die to keep her children. I know that because I have experience it first hand. My mom held on to me when I tried to escape from the hospital and I pushed her down on the road with cars zooming past. But that’s another story. For the first and the last time I am telling you, mummy has never written any such letters and has never entertained such thoughts.
It was never mummy’s wish that you move out of the Ang Mo Kio home. It was because of practicality not so that you do not need to drag yourselves out of bed at an unearthly hour to school.
If you think that nobody understands how it feels to be living with a person who is constantly negative and makes you feel bad for being happy thus you are afraid to bring our gifts home, mention mommy and me or this side of life, let me tell you we understand. Why? Because we are experiencing the manifestation of that kind of repression of happiness from that person first hand. Because we can see how torn and conflicted you both are, we are not insensitive to everything. It pains mummy and myself to see you guys like that so we understand. 100%.
As parents, it’s our wish (at least most parents) to see our children healthy, happy and lead a life of their choice with integrity, dignity and love. Nothing more, nothing complicated. Nobody should be made to feel inferior, frightened, stressed and having to watch their actions and words in a family. I will not speculate what is said of mummy by some people but I believe in standing up for my own family, my own blood especially my mother. Let me be blunt with you, if someone were to bully my mom in any way, I will stand up for her. I am not saying this because I am all grown up and have ability to earn my own money. I will do the same if I were a wee bit small. You know why some people are bullies and continues to bully? Because nobody dares to stand up to them. Bullies are insecure people with who need to exert their authority and inflict fear to gain control. No child or person should be subjected to that because that is not right. That is a form of emotional abuse. Use some reasoning here, why should anyone bad mouth anyone? What is her objective? Why is she doing that? To make you unhappy? To create something that is not true? What is the objective of doing such things? I leave it up to you to observe and decide. Anyone who loves their children will not place them in such unpleasant situations, repeatedly.
Just know that providing a place to stay doesn’t grant people the right to treat others unjustly. I know you are worried that if anything happens, you will not be provided for in terms of your education and life. Let me just tell you here and now that mummy and I are more than capable of putting you through school till university. We know how much it takes to go through an entire cycle of education because we both went through it.
Mummy probably has never told you both but I will – you may think we just see you on alternate weekends and then you are back to your routine of school and tuition and friends. You do not see her when she cries through the nights because she missed you both so much. When she questions herself if she’s done the right thing. Some times she misses you so much that she’d walk into your rooms and just sleep there. Do you know how she cried her heart out when you first moved out? Her exact words were “I felt like someone has ripped my heart out.” This is love.
Mothers are human, they make mistakes too. So why should they be viewed more harshly than other people when they are the ones who love and forgive unconditionally?
The world is not as simple or as complicated as one may think. But a heart can be. How we live our lives stem from the heart because it will show on the outside. If you choose to keep replaying the bad episodes in your life, you’d never move on to new experiences. We are all shaped by our thoughts, words and actions which is why people say put your thoughts into actions. So that’s the reason why some people say and act the way they do.
Sincere and real people will always come back to a place where they see the kindness in others while bitter and angry people will eventually bring out destructive traits in people or themselves. It’s not astronaut science.
Beneath her happy go lucky demeanor, carefree attitude and seemingly relaxed mothering, did you both at any time notice mummy is a highly respected teaching professional, a warm and kind person? She tries to not take everything so seriously because she has the life experience to be able to see the good in things and how to handle people and situations. This is how she balances the humdrum, pressures and if you will stress of life. Mummy knows that school already leave you guys no time for a lot of things so her funny ways and words are a breather for you. That doesn’t mean she is unstable or incapable of being serious or hurt. Give her some credit and respect.
Also, when we buy things, go out, have treats for you guys we are not buying your love or affection. Let’s get practical and a bit smart, shall we? If love and affection can be bought, then mummy and I wouldn’t crack our heads what would bring a chuckle to your faces, see those smiles receiving the gifts. Care and thought went into everything, well some were impulse buy but hey, we are talking about shopping… nevertheless, I am saying if money will do the trick, then I’d have just given you $50 bills every time I see you. Why bother planning every single detail for occasions, birthdays and holidays? Mummy saved up a year for the Tokyo trip, she could have used the money on herself. But she wanted it to experience it with both of you, this is not buying, this love. I could have used the money for the Taiwan trip on a new high end Macbook but that was not what I wanted. I hoped with the trip, it would be a chance for you both to get to know me better and vice versa and also give me mommy a birthday treat. That is not buying affection, that is what families do, we share. Try telling insincere people to keep buying such affection and love, it’d kill them cause it’s very tiring to keep up with a pretense.
Life and people are not one dimensional, when things don’t happen according to what we think is right or should be done mean they are wrong. Life has a way of surprising you. You are both growing up to be young adults so my advice is take a step back, learn how to see a bigger picture, have a bigger heart and use discernment in people and things.
Let me end this letter by saying that your mom loves you and has done much more within and beyond her ability for you both and that is what matters. How I know this is because without a shadow of a doubt that your mom will willingly sacrifice her life for yours if that day ever comes. Ask if anyone else will. Besides God, I don’t know who else will die for another person. But mothers don’t go around saying such things because this is a love that is innate in them.
So with that, I hope you look within the depths of your heart and think long and hard, have you given her the respect and trust she so deserves as your mother, seen the effort she’s put in, wiped her silent tears, held her when she missed you and most of all have you really embraced her love?
----
all's well indeed:
On 11 February 2013 19:59, <joellechang@gmail.com> wrote:
Hi janey and thanks for the email... I let jill read it too.
Disclaimer: Whenever I write
emails about explaining myself or emotional/relational stuff, it usually
backfires in my face (pretty badly), from previous experiences. So if i
happen to offend you, please try to take it lightly.
Firstly, I know that everyone in my family
cares a lot for us. But over the years, we get caught up in emotions and
decisions and everyone else's contrasting opinions so it's really hard
to remain "sensible" and "loyal".
No one wants to lose their family member because of a
petty situation, so we both try to keep each side happy. Unfortunately,
sometimes when we make one side contented, the other sometimes gets
offended. It's kinda tiring sometimes. I think Jill said all those
things on Friday because she was really tired and frustrated - she
didn't mean any of it.
Secondly, we already understand the giving part,
that you give because you want to give. I don't even know why you guys
brought it up. We can't bring stuff over because it interferes with the
other side's.
Thirdly, I don't really understand emm's problem
with bringing stuff back but I think it interferes with ddy's parenting
style. I guess he chooses not to reward us so often? EMM is not
always crazy and mummy is not always un-parent-like. I understand that
no one is perfect. My point is that I don't want to make either one of
them seem like crazy evil people. EMM is nice in a tough-love way but
she has this grudge against mm & uses the fact that we're not blood
related and all the drama in the past to "discipline" us sometimes.
Mm seemed "irresponsible" to us before because she
didn't seem like those type of moms who ironed your stuff, brought you
out shopping, girly stuff, etc. she also still had a life of her own
(clubbing, drinking with friends) I don't know, maybe there was sort of
an unspoken expectation or a stereotype programmed into my head (I don't
think Jill was so paranoid/observant?) that when you have kids, you
dedicate most of your daylight hours to them *shrugs* it often felt like
she was a little kid too :P
But now I know more, I understand more.
And
about the sexuality thing. I didn't mean to offend any one. (NOR WAS I
SAYING THAT BEING A LESBIAN IS WRONG *AHEM* I know it's alright already!
I have read enough guidebooks (one) and received enough emails to
know...) I just used it as an example, if she could tell us something as
big as that, why couldn't she tell us something like financial
problems? I think it would have solved most of the silly
misunderstandings we had that built up into a bigger pile of... Silly
misunderstandings. I actually thought that she was giving us sandwiches
and instant noodles everyday because she was somehow "hoarding" it for
herself! Seriously! I feel disgusted with myself even remembering that I
believed in that so strongly.
But that does not matter anymore.**
...
Ok that's all I have to say.
We
will continue to love her (and you) more. But it's a bit difficult
since we're kinda big and not too keen on mushy stuff. I think over the
years, we somehow built up this "shell" that most chinese people have...
Or maybe it's just us? Anyway, we aren't really physically affectionate
people... (But we'll try to be more open...?)
It is challenging to put in so much trust and love into something
you don't even know will hold up. It's like jumping on ice to us.
Lastly, I
think we should be the ones thanking you for coming into our lives and
while we may be insensitive sometimes or "squirm away" from the
overwhelming affection from you (Heehee), please know that we love you
too. :D thanks for understanding us (directed at you & mm)
(I'm shuddering a bit from the sappiness but Jill & I really mean it)
Have a nice holiday.
-Joelle
P.S.: I have read what I wrote over and over. In case I
happen to stray off without knowing, my main point is the last two
paragraphs. :P
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