respite

so the term is finally coming to a close and i could really use a respite from this very intense month, with so many activities compressed in a few weeks. i've had a blast at school but more is less you know

things on the homefront is marvellous, with a couple of sickie meltdowns but we tided through that. i love having them around. they light up my days. somedays they slob around but mostly pull their own weight.

i just feel drained physically and jaded from the routines. i may need to get away for a weekend.
it's all ennui and sometimes an inexplicable blah. we'll get through this. as always

too funny

each time you happen to me all over again

once in awhile, you read something so close to home it's devastating, find yourself relating, and reliving, tearing at points to the parts which resonate and transport you to the moments like it were yesterday. this is what the novel did to me in the best way i can describe it.
except it gave me a fresh perspective from the other party, as if she were telling me her side of that three and a half year relationship, what it felt like to be in love for the first time at her age with someone decades apart. i could finally empathise with the fears, the longing, the impossibility mixed with such naive hope and optimism.
i took a lot of that for granted in those years we were together. hardly paying attention to her real anxieties and challenges, always dismissing it as her youth, patronizing her for it. i think i had to learn the hard way, make me see how much i didn't know the more i thought i knew and i must've hurt her so often with my darkness and scepticism of her loyalty.
it's interesting so have such introspection from the other side. i know now her struggles, her confusion yet her pure clarity. i just hope she's doing well now. for all the possible internal damage, she should from that strength of adversity alone, be thriving as an individual, finding and discovering so much about others and herself.
wherever you are, krystle, i wish you well.

fleeting

it's strange how when you don't put yourself out there people will find you i don't really care to respond because i've completely withdrawn from any emotional entanglement.it keeps the peace.

a perfect week

Tis been mostly a restful and rewarding break tho the poor kids hardly had rest. I manage to catch up on zzs n met my tutees for paydirt so i could reward the kids with treats like movie and meals.that s what its all about.. sorted out my expenses n paid bills. Its all mundane but comforting. This year its abt keeping things real and simple. I dont need to indulge but i get by on the basics. I know the kids are easy to please so just spending quality time suffices.i dont need to complicate things with undesirable wants. I know thats the right way to live for my remaining years. I am glad i have broken toxic cycles and perceived needs. Thats the focus from here on.

marching through march

almost 10 weeks of term is over.it's been an intense journey of changes all around.
at work, i've managed to get through 2/3 of the novel i'm teaching, complete a few projects and even make a little mark in school history haha


up ahead are a few challenges of getting students to cambodia as the only female chapperone, this while completing a ton of admin, exam registrations, testimonials and possible invigilation.
at my last post-ob meeting the vp suggested i sign on full time and my immediate rejoinder was i was content to be underpaid and contracted because i think i've got enough on my plate.i don't really care for all that renumeration because the trade-off doesn't make sense at a point of my life were i've enough to get by and te kids are comfy. that was already a point of irreconciable conflict with the ex and i don't need to revisit that. she never grasped my goals and the pressure to adapt to hers tore us slowly apart. i don't need someone trying to impose or change my life when i'm ready to just sail through my remaining years without unsolicited upheavals.

the kids have been troopers these past ten weeks. jo is showing so much onus when she pitched in to the household in certain contributions when she was awaiting her results. even now with her new college life she still has jill's back. the latter has been taking on so much at school making her days long and late, but she's also been a gold star in her own ways. i know they appreciate each other's support and that's enough for me.i just try to make decent meals when i can and take them out to good weekend dinners. we try to make it work as a family and it helps to have such adpatable fuss-free kids.

health-wise i've been adjusting to dramatic hormonal changes, sometimes discomfort and migraine made worse by the awful swelter, but i'm hanging in there until things take a turn for the worse. it doesn't matter really. medical care in our country is ridiculously exorbitant and i don't see the need to fix something which isn't really broke. i try to adjust my diet to accomodate these changes. if i can see another 4-5 years i'd be more than content.

so i'm going to really crash for the next week, after a long course, some paperwork and a closing event in the outdoors which i foresee really tricky weather and possible casualties. then i'm going to spend a restful week ahead hopefully bring the kids out for a bit and get lexi her jabs. the months ahead will be a possible planning for melbourne if finances permit. yep small goals, big dreams and positive thinking.

march madness

so the term has culminated into an intensely draining affair.can't wait for the break mid-month.
kids have also been having long school days. jil has debates and tests, jo is adjusting to college life.it's all good.
i just feel myself all hotflashy and tired. it's been 2 months of menopause.the weather's not helping the dry skin.energy levels dip in the mid day sometimes. but i try to cope and focus on earning. it will add to their good rewards and dinners

i don't see myself lasting for another 5 yrs. it's all settled. im losing steam at work anyway.new management isn't hot since ocm left.he sounds like a bummer in that unholy trinity with soks and atm.it's like they're determined to control whatever they fear they will lose. who cares. if they want to force me into some stupid commitment they'll see the back of me soon.i have options

i just wanna hang around till both the kids are done w jc. then i will work out a great retirement plan. everything else is just autopilot