how many bd cakes can girl have?

not enough apparently haha


first tapei, then my bd dinner itself, and last night a lovely home-baked accompaniment to a home-cooked meal! i'm sucha blessed soul


and a lovely weekend with fab peeps

so glad they finally got to meet her!

the event was a tad commercialised, tho it was heartening to see all 15000 strong supporters as compared to last year.
all i know is love is just the  most liberating gift from god. it makes you forgive, it makes you gracious. and it teaches you how to embrace everything in your stride, taking the good with the bad

fire and rain.

june has been a really emotionally volatile month. to think that a year ago i thought life had hit rockbottom and my birthday was by far the most depressing affair. i never felt more alone and had very much told myself that by this time next year i was prepared to chuck it all and leave. i even had a time-line all planned out and had told someone to just inform all and sundry that i had gone to a better place.

ironically my mom had beat me to it, well not by choice but to be honest i am really relieved for her end to years of suffering. but yesterday at the cremation i didn't know why i started to sob so uncontrollably. she looked rested and free as we placed white roses in her casket. was it the infectious grief all around? then i realised how much i related to the loss my dad felt, when i had chanced upon an old photo with his handwritten caption, 'the girl of my dreams' and especially when he muttered almost undetectedly as they moved the casket into the crematorium, 'goodbye sweetheart'. it was heart-wrenching to see a man in deep but quiet pain, he looked so alone, that even in a room full of sympathetic loved ones, no one could begin to fathom how much he was breaking down inside. we held him close, but after the whole ceremony i saw him looking somewhat dazed, like he wanted to run away, very much the way i thought same last year at this time.

i just returned from an awesome holiday with her and the kids. it was by far the highest point of the year. i look at her with the kids and my heart skips a beat and utters a prayer of thanks. it's close to a miracle how she inevitably brought me a renewed sense of hope, that life had so much more to offer. i want to shout it from the highest mountain and share that gratitude and joy. my birthday in a couple of days will be the direct opposite of the one last year. it will signify joy and promise, it will bring me to a new understanding of how life is sanctified by the one above and he will bring you relief when he sees you at your lowest. i wish i could share this with my dad but i think a part of him has died. his eyes were hollow and when he said, kids, make your mother proud and live life to the fullest, i felt like it was his own parting statement.

this entry is all over the place, as my thoughts are. i can't even describe the confusion which swings from sorrow to joy. i guess life never gets dull when you think it can slide into a state of ennui, but i don't complain. i just seek a harmonious calm where i can make right what feels wrong, starting with how i want to hold my loved ones close, tell them when we're all alive how much they mean to me, how much i mean to them. it starts now, at the brink of 43 years. i want to mark this as me reborn, to be a better person, a better mom, and a better partner.

grace.

march 9th 1937 -- june 23rd 2012
it never escapes me how miraculously his timing works. we landed on friday night and she passed the next morning.it would've have been hard if she had left us while we were still in taiwan. always considerate mummy was. and always amazing how everything falls into place.

and this is the little eulogy to mummy i spoke this evening:
mummy had always taught me three important things in life: to treat people right, to keep it real, and to always pay it forward. i was always a rebellious kid, maybe i still am in many ways. but she never once tried to break my spirit, instead she embraced it as the sum of my parts and taught me to channel it into a fighting spirit,the same one which took her through her last years. that strength alone will live through me for the rest of my life. likewise, looking at all her loved ones today, i see her spirit continue to live in all of you -- i see her kindness in daddy's eyes, i see her goodness in my siblings, i see her loving heart in my own children, i see her faith and love of God in all her friends. and one thing she celebrated in every one of her four children was our individuality. a friend once observed how my siblings, to use her words, were very eclectic. that isn't always a bad thing when mummy raised us to love who we are and to share our gifts with the world. angie was always the leader, mal the bright one, von the all-rounder and me, haha the 'artistic one'. so here i am living proof that if your mum gives you the freedom to be who you are, you can live a happy existence, and you can raise your own kids to live that premise as well.

so i'd just like to end here with a tribute to mummy and her legacy from ecclesiates 3: To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted... a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; (because) He has made every thing beautiful in its time: also he has put eternity in men's hearts, so that no man can find out the work that God does from the beginning to the end.

a taipei summer '12

creating lovely memories for our lovelies

my rock

just back from an awesome family vacation to taiwan with so many lovely memories to recount. most significant is the closer ties forged with the kids, and us. it's when you step out of your comfortable routines that you see your partner for who she is. what she is. and how much you want to hold this precious soul for an eternity

an apt shot juxtaposed against a background depicting what she is. simple and strong


and did i also mention beautiful?


and the sincere and loving way she takes care of all of us, like a dad, a partner, a mom, a wonderful and generous creature. it moves me. makes me want to hold her forever.

爱屋及乌.

quite literally haha

just watching them goof around is heartwarming on so many levels.
you can see how comfy my family has become with her, and her with them.
she embraces everything about my life and sees nothing more than her love and protection. it's something which moves and awes me in a single breath.

and if anyone still wonders if there is such a thing as 'the one', i believe this is a forgone conclusion.

'her loss is my gain'

i guess that's something which really moved me the other day, not so much my ego but my faith. it's really a part of his gameplan for me in 2012, especially when i'd spent a year trying to heal. all of last year i questioned the loss of a r/s which i was certain i had done my best to maintain. i was left high and dry, feeling so unlovable and self-loathing. and my trust was shattered beyond repair.

but here she is, in her sincere and assuring way, holding me and telling me how much she wants to take care of me and my heart, helping me pick up the pieces, showing me how easy it is with a grounded faith. i'm inspired by her simplicity and the simple way she loves. it is child (dog)-like and earnest.

i'm looking forward to building that again with her, letting her in, trusting everything that she is. starting with our first family vacation together in a couple of days. i want us to build lovely memories with her, with our loved ones, each step of the way.