the storm has passed

so after a week of serious grieving and gut-wrenching moments of self-knowledge, i have begun to breathe and eat a little more. i've dropped 5kg but its a good weight and i should try to maintain it because at least i dont feel too sluggish or uncomfortable around the girth.

it helped having the kids around the weekend. they are such lovely darlings. something about them has grown up and i can relate so much better than their tween years. they've become so insightful and brilliant individuals with hearts of gold. just thinking of them now makes my heart swell it hurts.

things between j n i are a lot calmer and we've both gone through our personal hells but it's good. it's going to get better as long as we continue to focus on healing ourselves. we've both hurt and been hurt and the only way to get through this is to forgive each other and ourselves. it takes time and a lot of will sometimes but that's what a journey of healing requires.

i have taken much solace in buddhist philosophy and tried to apply it where possible. it's not that i've abandoned my beliefs in god but i am going to assume he can speak through any medium if the source is with pure intentions to better oneself. i especially subscribe to focusing on the present good. it makes everything else dissolve into irrelavance and helps me move forward, while reveling in the good memories about everything in our lives. those are really fulfilling and complete and timeless. it brings us back to who we love about ourselves in relation to our loved ones.

so from here on i will try to live my purpose here as far as i can and in as fruitful a way as possible. starting with being a better mom, teacher and friend. the partner that i will be with deserves the best of me.

rebirth renewal regroup

i love these words. they capture exactly how i feel these days about life.

first up i truly want to reconnect with my inner peace. the grounded sense of being right with myself spiritually. i've gotten a tatt to symbolise this journey and a constant reminder to slow down and breathe. it will be my motto till the end light


i want to purchase this car to renew whatever bad stuff that was associated with the old one. the handle's off, the a/c is iffy and the spoilers are well, spoilt haha too many mishaps with the bad curb jobs and you have a scuffed left rim and a rattling noise.
 

i especially like this model and colour because they represent what i want to be -- strong, sturdy and bright, with white as purity and light. my light. i shall christen it, 'आभा' or Abha which means splendour or light. but its street name shall be Yuki 雪 (snow in japanese haha). i esp like the carplate which SJJ6960I = my two girls' initials, my birth year and month and I of course

i want to regroup in terms of my focus in life. i once told myself two years ago that this would be the kids and myself. well it was a sound way of living and i will start with focusing on buddhism, it's philosophies truly speak deeply to me with its pragmatic wisdom, starting with imbibing these two very useful books:

they will provide guidance in my path to harmony and centering myself.

so here's to salvaging the rest of 2013 with a semblance of strength. emotionally i am drained but at least mentally and spiritually i will recharge.

i am ready.
anyday now
i am done
just go

make the pain go away.please

time of death, 6.45am 7/7/13

so last night i packed her things coz i needed to keep busy after the final blow up which left me numb and tired. this morning a part of me thought i'd just go up to her home first to see how things were before i unloaded her stuff.
but seeing how she chucked my dad's cake box and base in the boot (she could've slid it into the back seat) left a very horrible feeling in my tummy. it was mean and uncalled for. he has nothing to do with how our r/s has become. even if last night i let her know every single thought of her, there was  no need to behave that way.

i drove home with a sense of release. i'm sure i will grieve the loss of the r/s but in time not the loss of her as a partner. she was good with the kids but she didn't grasp what they really needed. she assumed a lot which besides her pride, was her need to assimilate the family as best she could. too bad that is also the reason we fell apart. the very thing i hoped for in a partner turned out to be bad for the r/s

of course there were other unresolvable issues like our differing faith and personalities. we wanted this to work but at the expense of what we loved about ourselves, causing us to become so unhappy. r/s are about compromise but not to the point when you start having so much self-doubt in what you believed in before. it's really for the better in the long run if we don't want to insidiously ruin each other emotionally and psychologically.

well, as bunny so pragmatically put, there are other fishes in the sea. overused cliche but as always weighted with wisdom. my rejoinder, i'm not interested in fishing anymore haha. and reallly tired to add.

more than anything right now i want to break away from repeated patterns of codependency. a relationship should never be a need, nor should it define who you are. i want to spend the rest of my life reprogramming a cycle of need which often blinds the effort in a r/s. it takes so much more than to try and  please another person. that was what became of us. we weren't loving, but pleasing. this often leads to both expectations and subsequent disappointment. the r/s was fraying from that and we didn;t or couldn't see it.

so from here on i want to focus on achieving that absolute peace from self-sufficiency, much like my motto years ago when i was on my road to healing. the mantra: numb, neutral needing nothing was really a good way to go. and then i can truly love who i am again, let go of the guilt and blame.

decisions 2

it's been a rough emotional month but i don't want to revisit any of it.
instead i want to focus on future projects and plans which will not require anything other than practical considerations, and money.lots of it, maybe it i keep chanting it will fall on my lap

• a new vehicle
• a new kitchen
• a good family holiday
• new appliances

that's all we do. materialistic concerns, no different from the old days of Miller's plays which i've been reading of late. our country isn't any different. we'd trade so much of our soul for the things we cant take with us to the other side

so hows this for daydreaming?

be mine