renewal

it's inexplicable how one's faith in humanity can be restored by the correct candidate.
simple miracles.

timely reminders

every turn a new day

sometimes being ruled by our primal instincts isn't the worst thing in the world. god knows we could dodge so many emotional landmines and possible toxic cycles of ill-conceived attempts at forging meaningful connections.

was just grading their term papers and was rather disarmed by an incisive observation a student made about dealing with regret. it boils down to the simple premise of self-image. if we perpetuate in a moment of self-castigation, surely nothing or no one can alter that state if one chooses to internalise every mistake as a reflection of one's shortcomings. regret is but a deluded excuse not to make a concerted effort at improvement or change.

much of human suffering is in total a self-imposed condition. that much i've learned.
that said, we should embrace the moments of inexplicably raw unadulterated pleasures.the tingling comfort of a setting sun, the unchartered surprises of old acquaintances, the re-learning of bedtime politics,the taste of new but strangely familiar.

sometimes it's the little things which make you smile, or when you make the little things smile

those who can't,teach

ironically that applies to what i've discovered lately as a calling.here i am dispensing all sorts of love advice,trying to patch things for a couple and basically doing everything right where i could never do for myself. it's depressing but i try to see the long-term joy in it.i'm done feeling sorry for my shortcomings so i'll try to mend whatever else is thrown my way.

i've been having blackouts randomly. the other day i had a quick faint trying to get through a miserly 1.6km on the track. didn't help that my fans were then cheering me so it must've been a horrendous sight haha.of course i didn't want anyone to worry so i told the sweeties ok put away the camera i'm clumsier than usual today unless they're amassing blackmail material.

my humour has been my sole strength.it's also a gift which i've put to good use, making others laugh while i don't take myself seriously anymore. it's something which has seen me through so many painful moments and i'll definitely die with some snarky remark as my parting words. i recall telling the midwife in mid-birth, can i keep the laughing gas when i'm done coz it was better than weed. it's been my defence but possibly my downfall. peeps mistake this for strength because i never let them see my weakest moments of need and loneliness. it's a vulnerability i only trust with the closest and dearest.

anyway i'm really drained all ways. work is endless, my bloodsugars inconsistent, the neediness of the downtrodden tedious, and i'm just about ready to run off to nepal to have my last respite. i just hope that everything i've achieved was not in vain, namely the ones i gave so much of myself to, and the last one i promised to love to eternity.

good deeds for the year

at civics last week, i told my class to name someone in their minds whom they could do a good deed for. that to me is truly living. strange how the week turned out. one moment i was setting up a meeting, and the next jan and kat are having their first date over the weekend. it's wonderful. perhaps like playing god but what's the harm when two people can take solace in each other's company.

i know that for every disappointment in life, we can alleviate that suffering by making a difference in someone else's life. that's so buddhist and i think i'm gradually grasping that concept. i just want to leave knowing i've un-done every wrong and can pass on with a clear conscience. that to me is the ultimate peace and righteous light.

beautifully heartbreaking

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