what doesn't kill ya...

i've always been fascinated by the human propensity to self-mutilate. being a tatt-phile and having dated a couple of cutters and having students who do same, i completely empathise with that coping mech. sometimes the inner rage or turmoil is beyond satisfactory externalising you need to experience some form of physical pain to expunge it and reach a level of catharsis with it. i find that it is especially helpful when you're so incensed with another you would rather hurt yourself than them, well because truth is it would save you a whole lot of legal issues and irrevocable emotional scars on the other party.

i recall once being so mad at the ex-hub i broke a stool on my leg, well a foot-stool more like, and another instance with my kids i punched the wall so hard they were left scattering for their room. because had i directed all that violent rage on any of them i would be writing this from jail.

anyway i am really tired. each time i get this urge to yell or lash out, and i do it in such an uncontrollable demonic way, i may feel a sense of release, but also regret. regret because i have let myself be defeated by what i have taken pains (irony) to manage for a year. it undoes every single effort to attain that mindful control of my emotions and letting it reach a shruggish acceptance. my friends said last year that there was a visible calm about my general demenour and i attribute it to application of buddhist principles. i crave that harmony again, but it seems almost impossible when i'm in a relationship with someone who manages to somehow irk me to a point of relentless rage, often unintentionally though effectively. i ponder on what cause this and i realise it has a lot to do with what is a central pet peeve -- presumptiousness. by that i mean when one assumes they know me so well they try to tell me what i'm doing wrong, or they disrespect my own experiences and the strengths which come with it. and when this is coupled with a self-righteous air it escalates the anger.

i have lived almost 43 years come end-june and it has been an arduous journey of learning and self-knowledge. having been married for 10 years once, been in 4 long-term female relationships an average of 3 years each, raised 2 kids for 12-14years and worked since i was 18 y.o, bought and furnished three and sold two homes, i have amassed ample credits in responsibility and confidence and faith in myself. so to have someone possibly unintentionally discredit all that in her words or deeds, making me out to be some crazed unstable persona, or worse, one displaying irrational behaviour, is irksome to say the least. never in my entire life have i been laid so low or have to confront such unsolicited self-doubt.

and so when i step back and take a look at the past few months, it baffles me how i could have reached such a low point nor have to grapple with such lost faith in myself. then the answer hit me. it really isn't you, viv. you've built such a real and stable world and it has been all good. if i should pass on today, i'm dead haha certain all the people in my life from family, friend, colleague, lover would attest to why they were all these to me. because i was a good person to all of them, because i never once compromised my honesty or sincerity to any of them, because i gave each and every one of them my truth, my strengths, my love, my attention.

that said, i should never let a moment of another's ego or expectations undermine all i've made in my 43 years. someone i am right with. it isn't pride. it is an honest acknowledgement of my best parts. so yes, it isn't me. i have done the best of my abilities and i sleep well at night knowing it.

love and light.

heart via tummy

i know that horrid cliche applies but everytime i eat a meal prepped by baby my heart n tum smile in unison. how can it not, when i'm a greedy child. more so when the shrubs are also gobbling along side, well not as fast as i grab the fish hehe you snooze you lose!


and i wonder if anyone in the world has been proposed to for making a divine bowl of home aka soup of celestial creatures...

i know i'm blessed with a fiancee who makes the most amazing ones and yes, everytime i drink them my heart says, correct.

and you can tell from my pau face how well-fed i've been haha
from this last year  to this 

what dreams may come

everytime i get together with mommy colleagues of my age we discuss the state of our kids' education, not the most interesting of topics but that's what the system does to us. makes us unduly anxious about their future beyond school.

there are two mommys on complete opposites of the continuum while i maintain somewhere in the middle. wendy is a mommy of a sec 1 boy who plagues him about his schoolwork every other day. mich has two teen boys, one of whom she encouraged strongly to go the poly route while the younger is on a tennis scholarship from STA. evidently the latter puts everything in her faith despite both being devout christians. when we chat i find myself being a bit of both, simply because i want them to thrive in this crazy society of hedonism. it's unwise to raise them as complete hippies much as i would like to throw caution to the wind.


so last night at dinner, jo raised the subject of jc life. she had showed up an average 14 lr15 score which i said would qualify for a lower-ranked jc which may possibly land her in a lower-ranked faculty.  on the flipside her art project reaped an A2 which to me only reveals her true aptitude academically. i said it would be wise to apply for my jc since it's across from home and with me as staff would garner her 2 points off her aggregate (to which she nobly replied was 'cheating' haha). i told her the qualifier was 8 or 10 for science and arts respectively. however i did also mention the wonderful offering for media studies in the poly also a stone's throw away. she mentioned much interest there and my gut tells me that would suit her better. i've seen too many students in my jc crash n burn or waste two years of their lives here only to opt for the alternatives. it isn't so bad if this weren't a country so unforgiving of failure,

anyway, jill's coping well with As n Bs, something i beamed and which she gawked at. i guess overachiever has been part of my DNA but tbh i've become so jaded both as student and teacher. i tell my students constantly to keep the faith and never lose their souls to the system. if anything, they should introspect on what really drives them to wake everyday. happiness or obligation? or is there a compromise somewhere which will not rob them of their dreams? i certainly hope the shrubs would discover themselves at their own pace without any regret or resentment, and maintain the virtues of simplicity they were raised on. well, discounting my material indulgences which granted were mostly unsolicited hehe


and exactly a year has passed, and i feel we're stronger as a family. and with baby in my life i think things can only get better.

100th post, 100years

this was taken the weekend before i proposed. i want to take many more of these with her. many many more...

simi lai?

poor baby has joined the inane fray of sims social, possibly out of inexplicable ennui

i know she's just trying to comprehend my world and i appreciate it. i just wish it wouldnt get under her skin so much.

baby say 3x it's just a game. god knows i said that too often to self but to no avail.

damn i miss her. we'll have our own weekend plans this week so well, it'll be the first weekend w/o her. wailll

making memories

so soks gave me this journal which is timely for starting a travel one. last year i wanted to write about my trips with the shrubs but was often too lazy or morose to do so, having wept through a few days of the it not because of being travel-worn but it brought back too many painful memories of my last gf and our trips. but that isn't the point of this entry haha

i am looking forward to the coming trip with baby and it'll be our first real family one. i intend to document or keep scraps of our journey inside haha complete with silly little momentos. after all, this journal looks by default vintagey and like it's seen better days.

here's to a lifetime of memories and reminiscing =]

and always my emergency person <3

love in any language

today we caught our first bilingual play together,男男自语

although it was gay-themed, the issues were universal. i was especially moved by the dialogue between the protagonists when they were breaking up. it was raw and identifiable. i suppose pain is universal. what tugged the heartstrings was the love they shared till death, something which transcends time and space. and that's what i see in us too. the connection which is sublime and can only be felt, even when words fail to express it adequately. i know this is what we have despite the meltdowns and hurt. i know that i want us to always have this and separate it from those angry moments. because she is my world, and like the oscar character in the play, i know i'd fall to pieces without her in my life.


baby baked cream puffs!!
and restored my microwave n kitchen. so <33333333