what doesn't kill ya...

i've always been fascinated by the human propensity to self-mutilate. being a tatt-phile and having dated a couple of cutters and having students who do same, i completely empathise with that coping mech. sometimes the inner rage or turmoil is beyond satisfactory externalising you need to experience some form of physical pain to expunge it and reach a level of catharsis with it. i find that it is especially helpful when you're so incensed with another you would rather hurt yourself than them, well because truth is it would save you a whole lot of legal issues and irrevocable emotional scars on the other party.

i recall once being so mad at the ex-hub i broke a stool on my leg, well a foot-stool more like, and another instance with my kids i punched the wall so hard they were left scattering for their room. because had i directed all that violent rage on any of them i would be writing this from jail.

anyway i am really tired. each time i get this urge to yell or lash out, and i do it in such an uncontrollable demonic way, i may feel a sense of release, but also regret. regret because i have let myself be defeated by what i have taken pains (irony) to manage for a year. it undoes every single effort to attain that mindful control of my emotions and letting it reach a shruggish acceptance. my friends said last year that there was a visible calm about my general demenour and i attribute it to application of buddhist principles. i crave that harmony again, but it seems almost impossible when i'm in a relationship with someone who manages to somehow irk me to a point of relentless rage, often unintentionally though effectively. i ponder on what cause this and i realise it has a lot to do with what is a central pet peeve -- presumptiousness. by that i mean when one assumes they know me so well they try to tell me what i'm doing wrong, or they disrespect my own experiences and the strengths which come with it. and when this is coupled with a self-righteous air it escalates the anger.

i have lived almost 43 years come end-june and it has been an arduous journey of learning and self-knowledge. having been married for 10 years once, been in 4 long-term female relationships an average of 3 years each, raised 2 kids for 12-14years and worked since i was 18 y.o, bought and furnished three and sold two homes, i have amassed ample credits in responsibility and confidence and faith in myself. so to have someone possibly unintentionally discredit all that in her words or deeds, making me out to be some crazed unstable persona, or worse, one displaying irrational behaviour, is irksome to say the least. never in my entire life have i been laid so low or have to confront such unsolicited self-doubt.

and so when i step back and take a look at the past few months, it baffles me how i could have reached such a low point nor have to grapple with such lost faith in myself. then the answer hit me. it really isn't you, viv. you've built such a real and stable world and it has been all good. if i should pass on today, i'm dead haha certain all the people in my life from family, friend, colleague, lover would attest to why they were all these to me. because i was a good person to all of them, because i never once compromised my honesty or sincerity to any of them, because i gave each and every one of them my truth, my strengths, my love, my attention.

that said, i should never let a moment of another's ego or expectations undermine all i've made in my 43 years. someone i am right with. it isn't pride. it is an honest acknowledgement of my best parts. so yes, it isn't me. i have done the best of my abilities and i sleep well at night knowing it.

love and light.