somebody i used to know.

last night, i chanced upon an old blog from the last gf while doing some housekeeping on my lappy. it was like reading about some stranger in a strange r/s, where i couldn't recognise the person she was and the person i was when with her. the resonating question was, who is this?

and then i realised how when you're with someone, you want  so much to be with them that you change yourself, tweak your values, give so much of yourself that you lose sight of what you believe in. it wasn't all bad, in fact there were really sublime moments, but sadly all it was that whole time was me building a world of expectations around someone who wasn't what i made myself believe. i didn't really think about that the entire year of healing. i guess i was just too entrenched in my own grief to really evaluate the situation objectively. now it all makes perfect sense.

anyway i am so glad i've come to a clarity about the last 4 years of my life. it had to happen only so i would exorcise that nagging curiosity of what it's like to devote every fibre of your being into a r/s that it becomes an obsession, an unhealthy cycle of co-dependence, of possession and lust. i suppose some of us really need to taste that sort of extremity only so we can appreciate what we think is only possible in fiction. or as 60s icon Joni Mitchell once philosophized,
 I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow 
It's love's illusions I recall 
I really don't know love at all.

 or as Gotye so succinctly represented it, "I told myself you were right for me."