6 to 9

good numbers haha!




may our love blossom same darling =]]]

teach less, learn (burn) more

so that adage seems to apply mostly to our confounded system here. these days i find myself spending more time on mindless paperwork which can easily be done by a trained monkey, and paid more i'm sure. and there in lies the proverbial dilemma of work. i enjoy its purview and rewards, i feel mostly gratified by class time, but i return to my desk hoping for a breather but find little scraps of  paper like a tumour growing around the perimeters of my cubicle, taunting to be addressed and i am somehow enslaved to its insidious command of just being there...languishing like a guest overstaying his welcome.

i think i;m in dire need of a real hiatus, like just get away from this country, from my tedious routines and sleep undisturbed for a couple of days, roll on the beach, shop, do nothing. work has become a necessary evil although before it was simply a vocation borne of passion and conviction.

why how when

so it's been an intense week of evaluation. it's funny how you tell yourself to let go and let god but half the time it is our humanity which contradicts everything we claim to be certain of based on a divine assurance. i'm sure if god were here beside us he'd smack us upside the head. well maybe not but it'd be a funny sight.

anyway, i have been looking into reasons why i want to be in a committed relationship. i had to, given the anger and confusion which had served to cloud my heart, or what i'd prefer to call intuitive feelings. the kind where you suspend all sorts of conflicting doubts about decisions you make, e.g anything from getting a tat, clicking and buying a 200dollar pair of kicks right to why you took that leap of faith to marry someone. i know. it's almost trite but true in the lifelong choices i've made.

so we reached a kind of painful stalemate the other night. do we love each other? undoubtedly. do we want to take this to posterity? almost sure. do we love each other to the point of looking past, accepting and understanding each other's personality or values which may at some point cause distress or disappointment? we  couldn't really give each other a solid reply.

we took a break from each other for the next couple of days to sort that out. but last night i realised i didnt really need that much time with it. because, if you love a person dearly and deeply (as i love my pooch), it shouldn't matter how or when or even why. it just is. you may want to toss that creature to the moon for pooping on the rug or eating your last batch of ondeh-ondeh but you don't. simply because you love them for who they are, warts and all, idiosyncracies which grate or quirks which baffle. or like i remind myself when looking at my parents' >60years of marriage, you just let them be and accept. that's exactly what makes my mommy eat dessert in the middle of a main course while my dad gruffs at her while she continues to do so unperturbed. at and the end of the day he holds her in his eyes, strokes her sleepy head and they live happily every after.

that's all the why how and when i need. because she is, i love her deeply and i want to forever.

respite and regression

ever had one of those days where you're so mentally knackered you're on the verge of tears? that pretty much sums up my morning, still reeling from what happened in between the ungodly hours of the evening. one moment i was crashing in bed from a long work day and assorted errands, and thinking to myself, how nice to come home to my partner, in comfortable silence, taking solace in each other's quiet presence, mulching on our devices, parallel play as sociologists term it.

and just before closing my eyes, i'm confronted by my shortcomings. being dense or even lacking in self-awareness about how my actions, or inaction, affects her. i was something in between incredulity and bafflement. what did i not know? that she was in need of affection and i was not forthcoming? have i become too numbed by routine?

so this escalated to an unnecessary row in bed, which i always maintain is the worst possible place to have any sort of angry exchanges because they ruin the mojo of what should be a place of slumber and intimacy. but there we were, in the middle of the night drawing undue hurt and anger for issues which i thought we had long ironed out. i don't know, perhaps i may've swept them under rather than sort them properly.

so now i'm paying the price for ill-timed 'discussions' nursing the mother of all migraines, coupled with a bloaty unpleasantness and nausea from bureacratic hogwash. i wonder why we can't time things better. or why we can't just breathe, embrace and be? what good do we achieve from letting our pride impose itself on another? what is the point of getting your (self) righteous convictions across when all it serves is to drive a wedge deeper in between each other?

i concede to recede. i just want to upkeep the balance and understanding which once made us harmonious and calm. i miss that. i miss the artlessness of saying nothing, the deeper knowledge of a smile over a word, i miss being myself, trusting in the other with every fibre of my being, never having nagging questions before i do or say anything. just being. and being complete with the other. i crave that peace. i need to lie in it for awhile. just breathing, holding. being.

don't look back in anger

so what have i learned this week?

• when your partner wants to buy you something, let her. don't quibble over the pragmatics for it may end up in an unnecessary row
• do not make coffee when your head is still residually soma-dependent. you will snap over the petty 
• never attempt to re-heat pizza in a nuker. it will dry out n taste like an old shoe
• do not let your past issues of being criticised constantly by negative peeps be transferred to your partner when she points things out. she isn't nit-picking but dispensing wise advice
• never eat angry. indigestion is certain
• when all the anger subsides, look in her eyes and see that soul you fell in love with. it wasn't that soul you  were angry at, but perhaps yourself for letting the minor rankle your chains
• say 3 x : it's just PfuckingMS

it's all about food, love and shoes!

i think most marriages would stand the test of time if the couple just recites that as a mantra!

love in any language

twas a great weekend with baby and the shrubs. she was pulling all the stops* to channel her inner mommy and i was just observing both amused and moved. best memory was at cotton on striding purposefully to find the right size blouse for jill while other customers seemed to be flying left and right in her path. reason given was, you need to hurry for such nice blouses coz the sizes get snapped up fast. hahaha damn adorable.

what moves me is how in her own real way of mothering, which shamefully i lack in laziness and possibly taking a lot for granted these 14 odd years. i see them as a part of my life but i think at some point i've assumed everything about their needs from food to clothes. she's a breath of much needed fresh air in my parental neglect and i truly wish for them to appreciate this. let's just say while i'd serve up nuggets and pasta for lunch, she'd make sure all food groups are represented in specifics and taste.

we've sorted out a lot of these arrangements in theory and now we're seeing some of it applied. in time i truly believe they will see her as more than just a nice caring aunt, and hopefully someone who takes on their lives with such devotion because she is driven by that innate love as a committed partner, but mostly from keeping the faith of a higher love.

and yes, she got them clothes which i would've probably missed on a rack and headed for streetwear only worthy of a rap artist hehe. but in my defence, i did spot a fuschia gladiator sandal for jill. yay i even know the fashion term. and it was a steal at $15. perhaps i should swing by sometime to get them each a pair, something turqoisey for jo (which i will consult the fashionista wifey first of course).

*edited to add: baby says that's a marginal version of her real shopping prowess. i stand corrected hahah