a love letter to my babies before my 44th (just in case, it's not an auspicious number haha)

 

dearest jo
when you came into my life 16 years ago i knew i had found my purpose after 28 years of wandering. i felt whole and right with myself. everyday i looked forward to seeimg your lovely mug. your impish smile. you were the centre of my universe.  i treasured seeing things through your eyes, your inventive spirit, your cheeky expressions whenever you discovered new experiences. i recall the day you took more than a sip from my iced latte, half of it endimg on your tanktop while you cupped it furtively in your chubby hands. that distinctive grin. your eyes crinkled to two little crests. i wanted us to be like this forever. you had so much pluck in your little form since the incubator. i knew you were an awesome little soul. i watched you transform from day to day. from strength to strength. always curious. always a surprise at every turn. my heart swelled so much it hurt. you lived through so many challenges physically, expressed so quietly your every moment of learning. i will never trade those years for anything in the world. and now you remain that amazing soul. but with such wisdom and sublime confidence i still feel my heart swell. you dont know this because we have drifted since you moved out. but timelessly, i see my little duckie in there. that same smile. that staggering perceptiveness. that sweet loving heart which never fails to move me when you show such deep consideration for others. you are my proudest work yet.

dearest jill 

you were from the start a ray of light, timely at a crossroad of my youth. at 30, i was ready for change. a new found confidence which at points were twinged with doubt. but your presence was both illuminating and provided much amusement to a phase of private pain. with you in our lives, it added new purpose and dynamics. you complemented your sis while you were astoundingly unique. and through you i watched jo take on a whole new facet of attributes, sometimes naggy and pedantic but mostly endearing. together i felt our dynamics grow and become something significant in the next decade of my life. both of you grounded me in a volatile decade of flux of painful choices but ultimately necessary. through that you struggled privately to grapple with the difficult years. but still you coped alone, sometimes with jo. and in all that you were troopers. you always were a trooper. your tears few while you always remained unhinged. you were the best and worst part of my heartbreaks but always the lovely sister.clown.comedian.flower.

we are defined by our spaces

in the swelter of morning assembly, a colleague and i were discussing how the 35 degree heat last night left a lot to be desired, mostly sleep and comfort. he lamented how his air-con has overloaded and being on a low floor, no breeze flowed through his apartment. this led to a full on rant about living here with inflation and unmatched salaries which made us live hand to mouth in some cases. well maybe more paycheck to paycheck but you get the idea.

i don't know why our generation remains here other than for our families or loved ones. maybe it's the insufferably unimaginative way our living spaces are constructed. they look drab and in that confined constructs add to a sense of downtrodden malaise.

take my workspace for example. i surround myself with wonderful momentos and wire in to music only to block out the fact that its toilet-like structure only adds to its alienating maze.

there are work places like this one in Birmingham which is welcoming to the senses unlike the polyclinic looking campus of ajc


i recall running to the beach at least once a week after work to regroup and it helped regain semblance of sanity.but the trouble is it's insane to even step out to the beach these days at the risk of a heatstroke
so even if i had some pretentious beachfront abode at sentosa cove it'd hardly be this tranquil and soothing


so what's a 40smth to do at the crossroads of her life?
If i stayed on it'll only be till the kids are done with uni and on their way to work. then what? why maintain an unbearably banal life here defined by our spaces, which we all know in this country is either a cubicle or shoebox apartment or both? how is that even quality of life?

and who's to say i can't be living one year to the next in a different country? why the need to confine ourselves to one space? one job which you'll do for the rest of your life?
all these proverbial questions can only mean my soul is just waiting for an expedient moment to burst out and free itself. and i know it's not too far in the distant future. it's only a matter of time, and timing.



and for now i am content with virtual spaces hahah! one million mark and now i'm ready to let go and guess what? no fanfare or special rewards despite crossing 1mil. this game really blows no wonder it's closing down

 r.i.p simscity june 2012-jun2 2013 =,[

of baked goods and poolside parties.

I watched a comedy recently which likened one's firstborn to that first batch of cookies. some are mishapened while others are half-baked. but you reassure yourself that the next batch will be better. I was mostly amused by how aptly that analogy related to the shrubs. with duckie, there was much new terrortory to cover haha yes typo intended. everything operated on trial and error, mostly error. but i emerged from the first 18 months surer and ready for version 2.0 so by the time bunny arrived, i was ready to face the daily challenges from colic to tantrums to that mysterious rash, sans the sibling skirmishes which were in a dimension of independent mystery.

so cut 15 odd years later and my role as mom has significantly evolved, almost insidiously. one moment I'm their nanny, cook and playmate, the next i'm chauffer cum advice column sometimes with entertainment thrown in. it's not so bad really. just took me awhile to adapt. here are two very serious individuals ready to face their personal new frontiers. the first time i noticed this evolution was when i sent my then 11y.o an excited MMS about her poolside bd party in the midst of her psle preps, and she deadpans, tell me again after my exams. snappp.

so well, like another batch of cookies, the shrubs are now at the threshold of pre-adulthood and the ingredients remain but the recipe has been tweaked for quantity of time and attention i need to give them. thankfully they are almost self-sufficient and all i need to do these days is to check in occasionally to see how they are shaping up quite nicely as fine young women. And I can almost say with pride and a dash of relief that my kitchen is almost closed.

   

whatever will be

This month has been rather uneventful save for being a season of broken. haha it's less tragic than it sounds other than a broken tooth, a broken door handle after a punctured tyre.
So most people would sigh and resign themselves to the mild inconvenience but i initially factored in the exorbitant costs of the abovementioned situations. yes, it's not really a crisis unless you work yourself up to think it is.

And given the upcoming expenses of vacations and wedding it would seem like a bugbear to say the least. but i've decided a lot of how we deal with these hiccups has to do with how we perceive them. because much as we fret over them, nothing will change the outcome. we shouldn't give our joy away to any of it.

I was raised to believe that everything happens for a reason. Unfortunately it was also in an environment of guilt and regret. Or worse, the misguided notion of retribution which i believe was a construct of very unhappy people. So it took me years of self-reprogramming to see, and believe, that this is certainly a fallacy. Much of what we do is often a result of choice. And it is the consequences of these choices which bring the next round situation. For example, by not taking better care of my teeth, by dodging that one appointment of a follow-up root-canal which at the time i rationalised was pointless and costly for something so painful has resulted in a larger issue of fracture and reconstruction. If taking better care when making turns, a tyre would not pop. If maintaining the external care of a car, the handle falls off. It's as easy as that. And getting upset is merely unproductive and energy-sapping.

Instead, I have learned to accept these consequences and with some comforting strength and supplication for help from the man upstairs, it makes everything a little more bearable and in time, surmountable. That is the sum total of my faith in God and I can't explain it in any other way. It has served as personal solace and pieced so many fragments of my life to who i've become.

It saddens me when no one grasps this nor try to accept that i can't have my faith live out in any sort of dramatic or life-changing fashion because these moments are in their miraculous nature meant to manisfest in spurts -- like a child at near-death, a close shave with calamity, an amazing outcome of unfathomable favour. We don't need to have this everyday because that to me is beauty. it is there but not overtly displayed or expected.

Perhaps some day we can all just smile in each other's way of grasping the higher order of things rather than to impose or expect more. it just is. let them be.

funny how we are so different yet the same

Diva - I have plenty to be grateful for: Belinda Lee

reading her account brought her story close to home. same year, different lives, similar paths.
i didn't have that eye opener like she did in mongolia, but i certainly relate to the healing process.
sometimes you have to travel the world to find your answers. mine came without going very far. in fact it was at some random school listening to a nepalese lady tell her story about helping others to find her own healing. i was so inspired to go and find my answers.

anyway Ms Lee has certainly inspired me to take things in stride. nothing is too painful to take your life. not even a love loss. not even that.

the big big day

So the mrs and i have decided on a date: 7th dec 13 after the shrubs major exams of course
the venue was a bit of a run around but we found a really good quite spot since 7adam turned out to be a let down in service. this one looked promising  and gave us a cozy and intimate vibe.

and this time the manager was much more responsive and trustworthy. besides, their experience in weddings was also reassuring going by their portfolio
more here

the mrs has already worked out a whole vintagey theme so the place would be furnished accordingly.
ambience was a plus and the mrs has even plotted an entire spreadsheet in her true element haha
 my role would be creative input, entertainment and food sampling hehe

prototype card:

she's going to get a custom gown while i will probaby throw on a random semi formal suiting the weather haha i.e if wife-approved =P

minus the bag n sunnies of course!

so well till the day we're just going to sort out the invites later, find the perfect wedding bands and go on our honeymoon first come june haha. i think that makes perfect sense. and i'm so looking forward to hokkaido and mostly the winter gear and travel equip shopping with the shrubs.
it's going to be a blessed year.

 tbh i'd be happy with this platinum rainbow themed band =]

on another note, we may need a new vehicle soon. what it is will remain to be seen, but i've already claimed a lovely ride...hehe since the beetle won't be a practical choice, gorgeous notwithstanding

time and tide

it's been fitful sleeping these days, not because of anxiety but mostly the insufferable swelter. that and a restless or should i say listlessness at work. i feel a little voice tell me that this is probably the last lap at this college because it's really been the longest i've been anywhere. my track record of 6 years at hwa chong has been broken already and i'm one with commitment issues at work.

anyway i think baby has been brought to my life at a timely turning-point. she arrived just shy of my flying to nepal on a one-way trip, she restored my faith in love, nourished me to a chubby bliss and embraced all of my three kids without prejudice. i still recall that first meeting with the shrubs (the pooch was easy coz lexi is a slut), the awkwardness i saw in ducky's expression, the PR-savvy of bunny and well me just over-processing what i observed. she remained unhinged, being her brazen self, sharing what she felt was part of her honest life. i admit moments i cringed at potential mine-fields but again, that was my paranoid inclinations speaking.


one of many wonderful things she cooks and often packs in my fridge for the week

then months passed and with each family dinner, most of which she took pains to cook and prep at her abode, letting them into her life seamlessly, and then the family trip to taiwan where she extended both her heart and finances to sponsor all of us, opening her quintessential elements to them (they mentioned how stunned they were when she cried at the cow farm but i think in a good way, coz they saw her humanity).

a year later and i can see how she is so much a part of my life there are moments i chide myself for being less maternal or kitchen savvy (or clean haha). she's all that, consistent, reliable, and a heart blessed with divine gold. i'm thankful, no deeply gratified for the way things fall into place. with her i can see substantial change, not false hope or promise. and with her our family has evolved into a unit of love and acceptance. that's more than i could expect in a lifetime.

and how absolutely endearing to see our elder daughter coming out of her shell, and bantering so comfortably with the mrs. and i love how comfy they are hanging out girl-time style sans moi

 she truly spoils us. she made this only coz jo mentioned that they may not get their hands on the eclairs at the school function they're involved in on saturday. so <3