as the new month creeps the year to a close, i just feel completely relieved. i can't wait for our trip and even if the weather isn't favourable it's more significant that we went. this would be my 3rd and possibly final trip with the kids what with my severe pancreatic failure showing up ever so often.apparently this would spiral into other issues but honestly i couldn't give a toss right now because so long as live and breathe i will embrace the moments.

i haven't told the kids but why bother. as far as i see it if i can see them to adulthood it's a good time to move on.by then they would've forged lives of their own so my duties and responsibilites are complete. in fact these days i'm merely that distant voice which may emerge every once in awhile when they need advice,decision making,chauferring
 for me i think if i make 21 years of motherhood i deserve an effing medal.just for not maiming or killing them with my unothordox methods haha

i see my remaining years just fading into a beautiful quiet, free finally of my past sadness and future fears. a present flicker and then poof it'd be an awesome kind of peace.

bunny's awesome panda cake




hope things work out for beats. god knows she's really a good kid.looking at the effort she put in this cake shows talent and heart.few can have both

any way the wind blows

the stages of life is much like the speed we move from place to place. we start crawling and totting in our childhood, jog/sprint in our youth and in our twilight years its a brisk walk. i'm very much keeping that pace these days as well, it's hard to run without being winded let alone keel over in near death. but i like that it's the way things are. i don't even feel the need to speed on the roads anymore also because of wretched speedtraps every which way haha.it affects my general demeanour and i know now why i'm in a different place from my peers. alot of them seem to be holding on to some large hope of living beyond 80 when i'm more than content going in a few. it's not even tragic as it sounds because it is a choice, a peaceful acceptance of who i am and what i've achieved. it's just a few more things on the agenda and i'm content. no one should feel they understand this and i don't need to explain it either.

detached.disengaged.

so i've been wondering how far i'd like to make this journey.i would love to chuck to peru to check out Machu Picchu but it could be awhile before that happens seeing as it sets one back a few Gs

it's fucking awesome though

i made a concerted decision to possibly reserve my remaining days in the sort of simplicity of the old folks i have as neighbours. there isn't a need to really live on much except the essentials.god knows my legacy of shoes and clothes and watches for the kids is mortifying.haha but that's part of some unresolved issues of youth which i will leave for the kids to make a profit or take over.
i feel really disengaged from peeps in general.it's tiring to take on other lives when i feel i've already transcended that need for companionship.perhaps i'm a sort of recluse but it really doesn't bother me because i feel a harmony with my being and the world out there is merely a bridge to a more sublime existence. everything else is moot really.

lost causes

well fourteen years later and it seems this is how we will celebrate my second born's birthday.it's not a big deal if i saw them everyday but it isn't always expedient timing, with the other's major exam around the bend.
but it isn't so bad seeing them on the long weekend either as it gives me more time to catch up at a leisurely pace.i just hope we can do this right without too many glitches
funny how it was only a year when we made a big event of it at the ex's place.she took the day off and made preps with such effort and attention i was humbled.on my side i tried to fix a decent looking dinner.it was then that i was assured we could do this as partners because i was possibly moved by her love and devotion.sadly this didn't seem enough internally because i really couldn't accept who she was as a person.i tried believe me but some things are just harder than they should be.too much buried resentment and disdain.
so now i look back and like the glitch in my weekend plans which turns out better because i didn't book a getaway on the weekend i was told last minute about swap in duties, i could also look at this present moment as better for everyone. i'm sure she has moved on and found her peace. for me it takes time to train myself mentally not to regress.it has to be about the worthwhile causes in life, where you make another happy and love them despite.if i ever achieve that it would be a new accomplishment.my track record has shown how i flounder quite horribly in that department

pain and numb

so this week i got a new ink which is a royal homage to the fender strat with really good detailing thanks to su wen.
admittedly it was excruciating esp in the lower back thigh when the nerve endings converge. at some point it felt like someone was roasting it with a blowtorch and i was perspiring profusely despite laying flat on my tummy.
then just when i thought i would pass out, she asked if i wanted a numbing spray with magically anesthecised the entire area so that her going over the sore areas felt like a dental procedure where you can feel the force of the needle but not die from the pain.
made me think about life in general. sometimes in our suffering we hope for a respite and sure enough you will transcend it to a level of complete detachment where nothing bothers you.it takes practice and i'm still mastering it gradually,there will be ugfucks who will cross ou and you will lower yourself by reacting,but in time i hope i will rise above that and just wave them away like the shitflies they are.
as the my remaining time here i will strive to be a centered individual complete in the knowledge that i am going to reach a realm of absolute harmony.that light will be focused on only that fabulous end.

hanging up the gloves

this evening on my long walk with the pooch, i've decided in retrospect i've had the king's ransom of relationships the past 12 years of coming out -- 5 serious and 2 flings. a girl can only take so much haha.i've become emotionally drained and detached really.

so if anyone needs me to be their bicurious fancy feast they can, as a friend once said, admire not acquire. and my last wish is to be sandwiched between the glorious dame judi dench and the fabulous hellen mirren. one can wish!

a complete mindfuck isn't always a bad thing

so the intended has sent me a somewhat weirdly encrypted text about some qualities of either mine or what she thinks i'm into
admittedly coy and mysterious work for me, though to be honest i'm feeling less curious these days.just detached and mentally tired of mind games.
so well, it'll have to stay at length as oscar wilde once put it, the essence of romance is uncertainty. i think i do thrive on staying oblivious.
i suppose i'm officially the patron saint of bicurious experiments, yes men included