yuletide blessings

so much as i'm glad and relieved the year is ending, i'm mostly grateful for how it turned out. the kids moving back have been a highlight.they are so grown up and amazing.today jo surprised me after doing groceries and returned home making some goodies for all. spontaneous and generous. her sister is adapting to many changes and has shown such a positive attitude about it, taking the bus deliberately from school so she could time herself for her daily routines and manage them better. and today, jill handled her ailment at the polyclinic all by herself. i'm so damn proud of her. all these initiatives are really affirming of well-adjusted teens.it warms and assures me that they will be ok,they will thrive and take care of each other.it's all i need to leave with.

they make me whole and complete

circle of life

so the ex has made arrangements ahead when the kids move back with me. it's fair and he's managing best he can.sadly they're literally moving everything back because their room will be occupied by his in-laws. i wonder how that feels for them

for me i just anticipate a sudden need for storage space. when the last lived with me it was kiddy things but two teens now i'm expecting larger things all around. it'll be challenging but i'll figure it out. my only concern is how they'll adjust. it's sad how their lives are always in flux. i just hope they can live here with a new sense of stability coz im certainly not going anywhere.and when i'm gone the whole apartment is theirs to space out in and they can take over my stuff if they want.im sure they'll survive.

sigh.it's going to be different and daunting but im sure i'll manage. it'd be nice to get help but i think they'll learn to chip in from here on. they have to.there's no other way

live and let live

the hols have been wonderful and restful, with money flowing from 2 tuition assignments while i await the big year-end bonus thrice the salary.woot.that's timely for expenses this season and our trip. told the kids this is a main perk in my job despite it's mundanity.i cant complain. i've always been a survivor with anything i do.i never quite completly relent to challenges.

in my 44 years the best would always be 2006-9. they defined my grit and self-determination living life on my own and terms.i felt right and real. everything else was mostly duty and obligations. and commitments i never really gave much heart and soul to.if anything those years would affirm what i could do with my gifts and strengths and i definitely put them to optimum use with nary a regret.

looking at these beautiful girls, i know i have done right with them. they turned out to be my best work with my fullest efforts and intentions. no other rewards could trump that and i will take that with me till my end of days. it's going to be a peaceful exit. i just know it.

games people play

i'm baffled by the inane moves she's been making.if she wants me to notice her she should stop the hovering or the convenient show ups. i know exactly what this is about but i've long retired from this sort of courting procedures.it's a colossal waste of time and quite tedious

i do not wish emotional entanglements in my life anymore.you want you take
if not just quit ok. im really tired of mindgames let alone mind reading

detachment and then some

this year i've become so indifferent about my classes that i feel absolutely no attachment to any of them other than to go through the motions of being their teacher.maybe it's my present state of dkdcfa.it's just that i don't see the need to sentimentalize anything which remains in the past or is a forgone conclusion of departures.

they are a nice bunch of agreeable peeps but i really feel zero chemistry or even similar wavelengths.maybe it's true how they get younger, you get older and everything else is just business as usual.

i just want to spend the rest of the year recuperating financially and emotionally. i feel really drained of interest in anyone/thing. i have two more tuition assignments which would come in handy for those expenses on dog lodgings for our vacation time as well as christmas shopping and spending moolah for the kids in korea.that's good. i can't complain.timeliness of that bonus helps heaps.
then i need to catch up on the syllabus plans since i'll hardly have time next year for preps. j2 is always hectic but better busy than ennui.i can't wait to see the end of 2013 and the remaining time on earth.it's been a ride but it's time to get off the rollercoaster.

they fuck you up

This Be The Verse

BY PHILIP LARKIN

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.   

    They may not mean to, but they do.   

They fill you with the faults they had

    And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn

    By fools in old-style hats and coats,   

Who half the time were soppy-stern

    And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

    It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

    And don’t have any kids yourself.

so i woke up and this poem was ringing in my head.i suppose we are a construct of narratives of our childhood and this perpetuates in who we are, our neurosis, fears,how we handle our setbacks.

of course it'd be easy to lay blame for everything on our folks but truth be told we will never completely remove the damaged parts.

take my poor parenting as an e.g. i'm sure much of what the kids are and are phobic about had something to do with the mistakes i made with them. their fear of poverty for one must have something to do with the days we struggled to get by when they moved in with me. they witnessed the austerity of our lives and now they are careful with money to the point of frugality.it isn't so bad but i do feel sad thinking how they control too much of their own freedom.

as for me, i know my propensity for isolation has a large part to do with the negativity of my childhood, how i was always made to feel bad about who i was, or not being good enough for something, which made me withdraw and later overcompensate in my later years as being callous and impulsive. this has shaped me into being a sort of recluse with trust issues and clear boundaries of how much i want to give to others. i sought approval from elsewhere when i got none at home which led to really bad decisions in relationships, spending, externalising everything which i felt inadequate about inside.i think i projected too much of this on my public life and this has really conflicted quite significantly to my true self.

anyway, retrospection aside, it is good that i've become self aware and it helps in my final journey to some sort of liberation from all these constructs. i now become a needlessly numb individual free from what the rest of society expects or controls. i want to spend my remaining years simply being true to who i am, holding on to nothing but my light, centered and focused.

as the new month creeps the year to a close, i just feel completely relieved. i can't wait for our trip and even if the weather isn't favourable it's more significant that we went. this would be my 3rd and possibly final trip with the kids what with my severe pancreatic failure showing up ever so often.apparently this would spiral into other issues but honestly i couldn't give a toss right now because so long as live and breathe i will embrace the moments.

i haven't told the kids but why bother. as far as i see it if i can see them to adulthood it's a good time to move on.by then they would've forged lives of their own so my duties and responsibilites are complete. in fact these days i'm merely that distant voice which may emerge every once in awhile when they need advice,decision making,chauferring
 for me i think if i make 21 years of motherhood i deserve an effing medal.just for not maiming or killing them with my unothordox methods haha

i see my remaining years just fading into a beautiful quiet, free finally of my past sadness and future fears. a present flicker and then poof it'd be an awesome kind of peace.

bunny's awesome panda cake




hope things work out for beats. god knows she's really a good kid.looking at the effort she put in this cake shows talent and heart.few can have both