june has been a really emotionally volatile month. to think that a year ago i thought life had hit rockbottom and my birthday was by far the most depressing affair. i never felt more alone and had very much told myself that by this time next year i was prepared to chuck it all and leave. i even had a time-line all planned out and had told someone to just inform all and sundry that i had gone to a better place.
ironically my mom had beat me to it, well not by choice but to be honest i am really relieved for her end to years of suffering. but yesterday at the cremation i didn't know why i started to sob so uncontrollably. she looked rested and free as we placed white roses in her casket. was it the infectious grief all around? then i realised how much i related to the loss my dad felt, when i had chanced upon an old photo with his handwritten caption, 'the girl of my dreams' and especially when he muttered almost undetectedly as they moved the casket into the crematorium, 'goodbye sweetheart'. it was heart-wrenching to see a man in deep but quiet pain, he looked so alone, that even in a room full of sympathetic loved ones, no one could begin to fathom how much he was breaking down inside. we held him close, but after the whole ceremony i saw him looking somewhat dazed, like he wanted to run away, very much the way i thought same last year at this time.
i just returned from an awesome holiday with her and the kids. it was by far the highest point of the year. i look at her with the kids and my heart skips a beat and utters a prayer of thanks. it's close to a miracle how she inevitably brought me a renewed sense of hope, that life had so much more to offer. i want to shout it from the highest mountain and share that gratitude and joy. my birthday in a couple of days will be the direct opposite of the one last year. it will signify joy and promise, it will bring me to a new understanding of how life is sanctified by the one above and he will bring you relief when he sees you at your lowest. i wish i could share this with my dad but i think a part of him has died. his eyes were hollow and when he said, kids, make your mother proud and live life to the fullest, i felt like it was his own parting statement.
this entry is all over the place, as my thoughts are. i can't even describe the confusion which swings from sorrow to joy. i guess life never gets dull when you think it can slide into a state of ennui, but i don't complain. i just seek a harmonious calm where i can make right what feels wrong, starting with how i want to hold my loved ones close, tell them when we're all alive how much they mean to me, how much i mean to them. it starts now, at the brink of 43 years. i want to mark this as me reborn, to be a better person, a better mom, and a better partner.
