so it's been a rather hectic work month with end of term deadlines and exam preps. it's funny in that fray we can find time to be distracted, or maybe distractions will find you haha.
i've had a slight crush on my vp for awhile but i didn't think much of it than a transitory projection of amusement.then there are recent developments which have successful made some space in my mind,not always a good timing but well, these things have their own way of doing that.
something unexpected yet a part of me doesn't want to make much of it because as i've learned it only spells suffering from disappointment, something we can well avoid in our spiritual journey.in any case, i've been encouraged by colleagues though i know that is just me seeking for approval to do something impulsive, not unlike my adolescent infatuations. but it does keep me amused and less numb about life in general so we'll just take things as they come.
will keep this posted.if anything, if not. whatever will be.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
dawn
so this weekend i've given myself a really good respite, besides the usual errands and a gym session, i lay flat a lot more than usual, not in a lazing way but short power naps to recharge mentally everytime i felt the urge. that's really how i should treat my body. not resist the natural call to rest as i used to. it helped that i had the solitude and felt more withdrawn than usual. i don't see the need to keep up platitudes with friends when i think we've become more comfortable updating each other online. besides i needed some time-out from mindless conversations.
this week was especially awesome in the elements. the moon for one was awesomely large and i'm so glad i bought that DSLR to capture it with justice
i remember how i had just decided to take a walk on a whim and there it was, coupled with a warm breeze that made the moment perfect.
that's exactly how i'd like to spend my days, thought-free, childlike appreciation for the simple pleasures of food and nature. it never really went away since i was a kid. i recall just going off on my little bike alone to discover the marvels of nature.days just passed like that, time was never hours but quick moments of joy. i want to be like this again.education has brought me thought but also taken away my simple appreciations.
and desire has become a sort of distraction. i'm learning to eliminate that in paces. i think our ego is a really potentially destructive force. it feeds our vanity and self-serving nature. at most we could just accept the attention and then exhale it as gratitude and goodwill. if it helps another feel an apparent sense of fulfillment, then so be it.nothing should come of it other than a moment of acknowledgement.because attempting to pursue or follow-up is not only self-destructive but possible damaging to the other's ego.so none of it.
need nothing,stay neutral n numb.
this week was especially awesome in the elements. the moon for one was awesomely large and i'm so glad i bought that DSLR to capture it with justice
i remember how i had just decided to take a walk on a whim and there it was, coupled with a warm breeze that made the moment perfect.
that's exactly how i'd like to spend my days, thought-free, childlike appreciation for the simple pleasures of food and nature. it never really went away since i was a kid. i recall just going off on my little bike alone to discover the marvels of nature.days just passed like that, time was never hours but quick moments of joy. i want to be like this again.education has brought me thought but also taken away my simple appreciations.
and desire has become a sort of distraction. i'm learning to eliminate that in paces. i think our ego is a really potentially destructive force. it feeds our vanity and self-serving nature. at most we could just accept the attention and then exhale it as gratitude and goodwill. if it helps another feel an apparent sense of fulfillment, then so be it.nothing should come of it other than a moment of acknowledgement.because attempting to pursue or follow-up is not only self-destructive but possible damaging to the other's ego.so none of it.
need nothing,stay neutral n numb.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
arrivals, departures
this would sum up my year so far. it occurred to me while waiting for a plane last week how life is like an airport. we spend so much of our time waiting for that new chapter only to realise we shouldn't be waiting at all. it should be about living each moment completely and mindfully without looking forward or backward.
and this was the exact adage which made my entire trip a lot more gratifying. i really didnt have a plan besides getting on that plane. when i got there, i simply let the day take me. met this pleasant chap who gave me a good trustworthy vibe so i didn't need to really angst about whether i'd be ripped off for the rest of my trip. and even i were, it'd be just another learning experience.
turns out everything fell into place from the weather to timing. i felt completely immersed in my environment and slept like a baby. i never once missed a beat and it's like the entire time was already laid out without a clear itinerary except a few goals of seeing peaks and places of worship. which i did very thoroughly.
so when i got back i felt so much more centered about the rest of my time here. it's got to be an extended metaphor for everything else i do from here on. i get an email from the ex-spouse about taking the kids back and it's something i relish because the years i've lost had already caused so much guilt and regret. so that's what the next arrival of my plane's about. finishing up the journey of motherhood in a clearer and more confident manner, even so if the kinks of financial or emotional challenges come forth, they will like my nepal sojourn be similar in its natural unraveling. without doubt or despair.without regret or self-blame.
and this was the exact adage which made my entire trip a lot more gratifying. i really didnt have a plan besides getting on that plane. when i got there, i simply let the day take me. met this pleasant chap who gave me a good trustworthy vibe so i didn't need to really angst about whether i'd be ripped off for the rest of my trip. and even i were, it'd be just another learning experience.
turns out everything fell into place from the weather to timing. i felt completely immersed in my environment and slept like a baby. i never once missed a beat and it's like the entire time was already laid out without a clear itinerary except a few goals of seeing peaks and places of worship. which i did very thoroughly.
so when i got back i felt so much more centered about the rest of my time here. it's got to be an extended metaphor for everything else i do from here on. i get an email from the ex-spouse about taking the kids back and it's something i relish because the years i've lost had already caused so much guilt and regret. so that's what the next arrival of my plane's about. finishing up the journey of motherhood in a clearer and more confident manner, even so if the kinks of financial or emotional challenges come forth, they will like my nepal sojourn be similar in its natural unraveling. without doubt or despair.without regret or self-blame.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
sept rain
so it's been a good week of bracing winds and calming weather. things were really good this week.like one's planet aligns with the universe and you don't need to overthink anything anymore.
got an encouraging response from the latest flavor today.she texted instead of email or f2f possibly as a way to start private exchanges.now i have her hp no. maybe it's nothing more but doesn't hurt hehe
and another blast has reconnected. don't think i'd pursue that one but let things slide.if it's meant to happen it will. and the third has shown interest but of course it will remain distant.
i guess the point of this entry is to tell myself never to mess with the future. it will unfold.
for now i'm just focused on detoxing and detaching this weekend. whatever the outcome.
got an encouraging response from the latest flavor today.she texted instead of email or f2f possibly as a way to start private exchanges.now i have her hp no. maybe it's nothing more but doesn't hurt hehe
and another blast has reconnected. don't think i'd pursue that one but let things slide.if it's meant to happen it will. and the third has shown interest but of course it will remain distant.
i guess the point of this entry is to tell myself never to mess with the future. it will unfold.
for now i'm just focused on detoxing and detaching this weekend. whatever the outcome.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Monday, August 26, 2013
absolution.
something pragmatic to start the week:
=>Asking Yourself For Forgiveness<=
Imagine vividly a situation where
you have acted badly, one about
which you feel guilty, and about
which you wince even to think of it.
Then, as you breathe in, accept total
responsibility for your actions in
that particular situation, without in
any way trying to justify your
behavior. Acknowledge exactly
what you have done wrong, and
wholeheartedly ask for forgiveness.
Now, as you breathe out, send out
reconciliation, forgiveness, healing,
and understanding.
So you breathe in blame, and
breathe out the undoing of harm;
you breathe in responsibility,
breathe out healing, forgiveness,
and reconciliation.
This exercise is particularly
powerful and may give you the
courage to go to see the person
whom you have wronged, and the
strength and willingness to talk to
him or her directly and actually ask
for forgiveness from the depths of
your heart.
~Sogyal Rinpoche~
------
anyway i have an unsettled issue of life to deal with. this year seems to be a year of unsettling and loss but it has become something i've resigned not to resist. losing my tooth wallet and r/s were perhaps part of the narrative to make a change about myself. a positive one. from the loss came mindfulness and an honesty about who i am and what i can do. it revealed my limitations which were denied from a certain pride. these things therefore had to go or happen, and what i have now may not always be a negative conclusion. it is what we make of it. changes are up ahead. in two weeks, my life could dramatically shift in a direction which will change my entire destiny. who knows? i'm just going to ride it whichever way the wind blows.
and if i make it to see another year, 2014 will bring more changes. the boss has proposed i give up my favourite lit class and it saddens me but i know that is the nature of deployment and work. it's often beyond my will. he has proposed i go on a trip with the students to some developing country to render aid. i think that's a fabulous idea. also to do the most thankless of tasks in editing testimonials which i would rather drink cyanide but who knows. that could be another direction of change which i will have to accept in time. just like everything else.
yesterday i looked at my old room in my dad's home and recalled the rough changes that went on in there. the upheavals, the anger, the frustration with two people who could never listen or understand, the self-imposed isolation, the breakdown in communication. i couldn't think of any positive associations and i suppose that's because i spent a good 20 years there not grasping how. i will never revisit that part of my life and when it threatens in cycles i will have to forgive myself in an irrevocable manner. it will take years of healing, and in the meantime i have to see this through alone, not drag another into my demons.
this film has taught me deeply about the positive consequences of change. judi dench's character spoke to me the most. i must learn to re-new and re-learn. and channel that inner light to some worthy forward-moving cause.
=>Asking Yourself For Forgiveness<=
Imagine vividly a situation where
you have acted badly, one about
which you feel guilty, and about
which you wince even to think of it.
Then, as you breathe in, accept total
responsibility for your actions in
that particular situation, without in
any way trying to justify your
behavior. Acknowledge exactly
what you have done wrong, and
wholeheartedly ask for forgiveness.
Now, as you breathe out, send out
reconciliation, forgiveness, healing,
and understanding.
So you breathe in blame, and
breathe out the undoing of harm;
you breathe in responsibility,
breathe out healing, forgiveness,
and reconciliation.
This exercise is particularly
powerful and may give you the
courage to go to see the person
whom you have wronged, and the
strength and willingness to talk to
him or her directly and actually ask
for forgiveness from the depths of
your heart.
~Sogyal Rinpoche~
------
anyway i have an unsettled issue of life to deal with. this year seems to be a year of unsettling and loss but it has become something i've resigned not to resist. losing my tooth wallet and r/s were perhaps part of the narrative to make a change about myself. a positive one. from the loss came mindfulness and an honesty about who i am and what i can do. it revealed my limitations which were denied from a certain pride. these things therefore had to go or happen, and what i have now may not always be a negative conclusion. it is what we make of it. changes are up ahead. in two weeks, my life could dramatically shift in a direction which will change my entire destiny. who knows? i'm just going to ride it whichever way the wind blows.
and if i make it to see another year, 2014 will bring more changes. the boss has proposed i give up my favourite lit class and it saddens me but i know that is the nature of deployment and work. it's often beyond my will. he has proposed i go on a trip with the students to some developing country to render aid. i think that's a fabulous idea. also to do the most thankless of tasks in editing testimonials which i would rather drink cyanide but who knows. that could be another direction of change which i will have to accept in time. just like everything else.
yesterday i looked at my old room in my dad's home and recalled the rough changes that went on in there. the upheavals, the anger, the frustration with two people who could never listen or understand, the self-imposed isolation, the breakdown in communication. i couldn't think of any positive associations and i suppose that's because i spent a good 20 years there not grasping how. i will never revisit that part of my life and when it threatens in cycles i will have to forgive myself in an irrevocable manner. it will take years of healing, and in the meantime i have to see this through alone, not drag another into my demons.
this film has taught me deeply about the positive consequences of change. judi dench's character spoke to me the most. i must learn to re-new and re-learn. and channel that inner light to some worthy forward-moving cause.
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