timely reminders

so it's been a year since i acknowledged my inability to work on a r/s because

1. i have no will
2. i lack emo energy
3. i am innately selective about my effort
4. i "only want a gf when it suits (me)"

truth be told i have no plans ahead for anything other than to focus on making money and memories for the kids, they're all who matter and it must be the reason they moved back in this year. they're my life's mission on what's left of my time.

that said, i also want to disengage from any potentially confusing attachments because i know i'm hardly focused on anyone for the long haul. i'm also too arsed to get into anything which distracts me from my harmony, which trumps my wish-list before i go. i don't want upheavals or disruptions to what i've spent a year establishing, and certainly not the bonds with the kids.

so yes, remind myself everytime some blindly foolish seduction of my ego comes around. Like buddha i will sit firm and focused against the alter-ego and its deceptions of fulfilment when clearly the only end-goal is to completely reach a perfection of the mind body and soul.

mantra: no happiness, no suffering, no wants, no needs, no desire, no sadness, no fear, no life.

a love-letter to my tube-loving teens on my 45th

so what do i seek on my 45th year? nothing really,just to live my remaining days in simplicity and calm. no more emotional entanglements. just work out my retirement plan, settle all outstanding debts, set up a lovely cove for the kids when i'm gone so they will have lovely lives. i really don't expect much from what's left because i have lived thoroughly without compromise. these days i just try to fulfil my duties and functions, while wishing the best for the girls and doing all i can to make that happen. that's the only focus i need to make things complete and whole.

respite

so the term is finally coming to a close and i could really use a respite from this very intense month, with so many activities compressed in a few weeks. i've had a blast at school but more is less you know

things on the homefront is marvellous, with a couple of sickie meltdowns but we tided through that. i love having them around. they light up my days. somedays they slob around but mostly pull their own weight.

i just feel drained physically and jaded from the routines. i may need to get away for a weekend.
it's all ennui and sometimes an inexplicable blah. we'll get through this. as always

too funny

each time you happen to me all over again

once in awhile, you read something so close to home it's devastating, find yourself relating, and reliving, tearing at points to the parts which resonate and transport you to the moments like it were yesterday. this is what the novel did to me in the best way i can describe it.
except it gave me a fresh perspective from the other party, as if she were telling me her side of that three and a half year relationship, what it felt like to be in love for the first time at her age with someone decades apart. i could finally empathise with the fears, the longing, the impossibility mixed with such naive hope and optimism.
i took a lot of that for granted in those years we were together. hardly paying attention to her real anxieties and challenges, always dismissing it as her youth, patronizing her for it. i think i had to learn the hard way, make me see how much i didn't know the more i thought i knew and i must've hurt her so often with my darkness and scepticism of her loyalty.
it's interesting so have such introspection from the other side. i know now her struggles, her confusion yet her pure clarity. i just hope she's doing well now. for all the possible internal damage, she should from that strength of adversity alone, be thriving as an individual, finding and discovering so much about others and herself.
wherever you are, krystle, i wish you well.

fleeting

it's strange how when you don't put yourself out there people will find you i don't really care to respond because i've completely withdrawn from any emotional entanglement.it keeps the peace.

a perfect week

Tis been mostly a restful and rewarding break tho the poor kids hardly had rest. I manage to catch up on zzs n met my tutees for paydirt so i could reward the kids with treats like movie and meals.that s what its all about.. sorted out my expenses n paid bills. Its all mundane but comforting. This year its abt keeping things real and simple. I dont need to indulge but i get by on the basics. I know the kids are easy to please so just spending quality time suffices.i dont need to complicate things with undesirable wants. I know thats the right way to live for my remaining years. I am glad i have broken toxic cycles and perceived needs. Thats the focus from here on.