babysteps

so the first dinner at her place turned out well. was a little apprehensive about the tension etc but she was marvellous at putting them at ease. i guess it's part of her warm bedside manner which attracted me in the first place =]

the way she tries to accomodate my family is moving to say the least.
i'm just leaving it to him. if this is meant to work then more power to us all for letting our light into something which feels pure and right. after all, she wants nothing but the best for all of us and how wrong could that be? it'll take time for the kids to realise this and hopefully accept that families are about love and support,  no matter the combination or dynamics. that is the only truth i will hold in my heart.

his eyes are on the sparrow

so interestingly this song seems to be following me around. first it was last year when i was concerned about the status of my job contract terms pending an unfavourable medical report and the ministry was going to dock my pay for a couple of months. and then for some reason the salary gets banked in ahead,including that civil servant's bonus which i was never eligible before. timely when i was planning a trip with the kids.

then this year at my mom's bd bash, the pastor suddenly comes up to request singing that song.and as he was belting out i perused the lyrics a little more than usual and was amazed by how much a timeless hymn like this applies to our daily struggles. the sparrow. that verse about how much more he'd care for us if he had the sparrow's back haha tiny wings n doofus looking head.i've seen these eaten by some exotic tribe. i digress.

so i've been thinking a lot about how i want to make this year work like everyday may be my last. i plan vacations around a harried work week, and the past 10 have been especially draining all around. but i breathe and think about how it all adds up to making the ones i love happy.i could choose to look out only for myself and that would be peaceful and routined, but the rewards are hardly comparable to the artless smiles of these other faces,the mileage that kind of love language can derive is invaluable and would someday be paid forward to the ones they love. that alone is enough gratification.

and yup i will achieve this as some other variety of fowl.i'm thinking the humble but reliable chicken,but i think he wants me to soar like an eagle.

the beauty in suffering

mom celebrated her 75th yesterday. it was a bittersweet occasion because she was literally half her physique since her last 70th bd bash which had since seen her suffer a whole legion of illnesses ranging from renal failure to major surgeries to a stroke which had her at death's door. all this my shrubs witnessed and i guess that's also another part which breaks my heart. much as my mom inspires us with her resilience, i've seen how they've moved from innocence to experience. harsh and uncompromisingly, while they shouldered their own transitional crises of childhood, divorce, school.


i guess when jill took the mike last night from mal and made that impromptu tribute to mom in her own artless teary manner, i couldn't help but feel that ambivalent moment of maternal pride, and sadness, for she was no longer a child speaking, but one who has lived too many heartaches too soon.  i guess they will one day look back and grasp how these harsh realities have shaped their own strengths, and goodness.

come what may

so what is it like being a lesbian and having two teen girls? well simply put, i'd rather eat nails. haha no really it isnt that bad but i wouldn't say it'll be the easiest combination for anyone. the delicate issues of 4 women in a cloistered environment, the possible resentment, unresolved baggage, or worse, syncing of our menstrual cycles.

so one wonders why i even let myself relent to this new r/s. for my happiness? personal fulfillment? i mean i was mostly fine all of last year working on my break-up aftermath, feeling a final sense of closure with the 'error of my ways'. do i really need to open a new can of worms? work for validation/approval?

well one answer comes clearly to me. life is short, you can't be living backwards. you take what it offers and roll with it, even if the rest of your family disapproves or chides. one life to live. fuck all. take it in, and live the moments. it'll never come again because time is uncompromising like that. and in good faith, everything will come to fruition. in his time.

relent and relish.

the politics of give and take

what i've learned the past week mostly about myself is i've much trouble accepting the help of others, this extends to asking it from my partner, even sharing the simplest need of me-time and rest.to our credit, it has been an intense couple of months of learning, and at times, unlearning. learning to relent and let her take care of me because i've spent most of my life being the care-giver.

perhaps the man upstairs is sending a clear message.viv, you're in your 40s. fatigue becomes an issue when you're working and have two kids to look after. she was sent to help you, not add to that list. i'm also discovering how to trust more in the kindness of others, and not feel burdened by guilt or expectations. it's something i've grappled with for a long time.

i guess once i can put that aside, my focus in loving someone else will be less complex, letting the relationship grow in its natural pace, allowing myself to also grow with it, become less anal about setting up plans, fulfilling roles or following through my goals. whatever will be will be, indeed. i'm just glad she has been so kind and patient about my quirks and neuroses, accepting set ways i do things, or even my difficult mood-swings. i want to tweak and improve this about myself. only because i do truly believe in bringing this through the long-haul. and working on communicating these fears and idiosyncrasies one day at a time will surely reap such deep and gratifying rewards.

you make me whole.

that's the best way i can describe how i feel when we're together. i once said that she makes me like who i am when i'm with her, but i think it also extends to the way she had redeemed me from that perpetual funk of meaningless ennui i carried around me all year. it wasn't anything she consciously did but who she is. she fills my life with a child-like renewal of seeing things in refreshing honesty, without judgement or prejudice. she calls people out on their b.s, and with her own raw candour she inspires me to do same. even my inhibitions about bedtime politics, or the primal functions of farting and burping.

told her it's no different from how childhood pals are around each other. just spending the day in wild abandon and not holding back on our sensual pleasures of eating, walking, taking our time to live the moments. i guess it's been a long while since i've learned to slow down and breathe. and she has made me live again because she is living her life over in spirit and truth.