now it feels like home

so the shrubs will be with me all of december and i couldn't be happier. i love hearing their giggles and silly antics, just watching them sleep, goofing with lexi, doing the banal little things in the next room. it really fills the home with life. i guess my depression really started in 2010 when they moved in with their dad. it was a practical decision but still no less difficult. i sobbed the entire time they were gone. yes it's silly isn't it? it felt like someone ripped out my heart. the best parts of it.

then after my last break up i saw myself trying to atone for every single neglect and guilty conscience. this came in overcompensating with iphones, lavish meals and vacations. all that time they were baffled and sometimes felt bad that i was spending so much but i kept assuring them it was within my means. i guess they really thought i was dying. well i did too so well, funny how that panned out. my pancreas has not really been malfunctioning given my black-outs have not occured so frequently.

this christmas will be extra special because i dont feel entirely empty. last year i felt mostly numb and i would laugh along with them in that way you feel like its coming from somewhere else. this year it really feels like it's deep in the belly, hearty and content. it has to do with healing and redemption. and a renewal of what's ahead. i know i want this to be the best end to an otherwise challenging year of changes. more so i look forward to new depths of our relationship as a family, including the wife and our future plans.

my niece's bat mitzvah was quite the eye-opener

what touched me most was how her parents and community rallied around something like a glorified bd party; her dad esp providing all the home-made good eats.he's really a prince amongst men

a weepfest we thoroughly enjoyed

i love discussing films with them. this one really made them think. and the buddhabar-esque soundtrack is awesome haha imagine being subjected to it for 2 hrs instead of just a car ride

where have all the flowers gone?

so my long break is almost here, short of one invigilation duty. and a great way to start with the kids last weekend.

we did the obligatory visit to the gardens since our taxpayers have built its unabashed opulence. having already been there on my staff excursion, baby trawled with the kids while i crashed by the bay with the newspapers and cigs. blessed day of clear skies despite the latest foul weather. i literally had to hold on to the papers coz the breeze was stronger than usual

they mulched around and literally had a field day camwhoring while jo was probably the most fascinated by the flora and fauna

i can see how much she thrives in their company


then we headed to 313 for japanese curry and waffles. i love watching them wolve down their meals in typically teen voraciousness

even our sunday dinner was inhaled with relish, this after they had snacked on crackers and seaweed while catching the matinee of 'Frankenweenie' which they said in true Burton genre was both darkly comic with that tinge of poignant didactic elements. let's just say they came home and showed lexi more love than usual haha.



this pic doesn't do justice to the intensely yummers flavour of my childhood which they curiously asked about and jo's rejoinder cracked me up, 'it's really interesting to see you as a kid. sometimes unreal.' and i'm like i wasn't birthed as an adult you know. amusing. and curiously adorable each time we have convos which reveal their minds changing, their ideas always disarmingly honest yet sincere. i wouldn't trade these moments for the world.

what remains is the pure souls of compassion which assures me of their future lives. whatever externalities and flux they may face out there, i know they shall hold fast the intrinsic values of love, loyalty and gratitude which they grew up with. i saw that especially when i decided on a whim to walk into a showflat because we had to park at their premises to get to dinner. they were of course daunted by its classy furnishing but i said, dahlings, wealth need not be reflected by what you wear but how you carry yourself. so while i put on a little show of interest, including them in my faux queries on the 2.4mil penthouse, they were cowering behind me with a mix of horror and fascination. the former because they were afraid they would burst out laughing at the charade of, 'hey kids, come see your rooms' etc, but as they fessed later, because i was convincing in my intentions to purchase a unit hahaha! so they learned in a jot that charm and poise can take you so far. of course that should inspire them to work towards that dream job in the sky! yes i'm incorrigible.

i'll probably look back at these moments with them some day and as i pass them that heirloom for their assorted milestone occasions, i will remember to tell them how i've always been so damn proud of who they've become, every step of the way.
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and how cute are these?


and if lexi were human hahaha

women of a certain age.

women have always fascinated me. even as a child. they smelt better. dressed with more variety. had interesting gossip. looked more presentable. more so, they seemed to have a sensibility about them. so growing up i was always drawn more to women. especially those in their latter years. i took solace in their stoic demeanour honed from their experiences. their confidence and calm in conducting themselves in varied situations. perhaps that explains why i eventually became an aunty-magnet haha

what struck me as special in these women and later in myself was that regardless of how mature we became, there always remained that inner child who needed protection, who yearned to be treated as a little girl, who needed once in awhile a me-day to pamper herself like the little princess she is meant to be.

now as a mom of teen girls i am more aware of this than ever before. with them i feel like a nurturing source of security and calm. yet ironically i want them to appreciate the scared little girl inside who sometimes wants to get away to her little cove of neverland, to regroup and find myself again.and yes to even regress into a fetal position and be cradled like an infant, and to feel secure in their advice and wisdom.

perhaps someday i'll pen these memoirs of my assorted encounters of how so many mature women have mad impact in my life. knowing me though it'd probably be done posthumously.

housekeeping

that very title of a text my lit kids are doing for their exam next week. interesting definition of what she is. not that she's a housewife no, but she certainly bears all the traits of a perfect wife/mom

exhibit A:

pupcakes for our youngest 'child's' 6th bd

exhibit B:
she rearranged their closets to free up space and dust haha

let's just say they were in states of disarray which we all could easily live with but not my clean-freak wifey. i watched her with a feeling of fascination and shame.

exhibit C:
homemade raisin loaves

and these moments of domesticity warms as much as it fills me with the kind of assurance that i'm in such a good place these days. it's all i need to center myself.

so love
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“When she had been married a little while, she concluded that love was half a longing of a kind that possession did nothing to mitigate.”
― Marilynne Robinson, Housekeeping 

another perfect weekend

never a dull mo when the kids are over

and never without yummy tings when baby takes care of dinn plans <3333


baby says they're the most lovely kids in the world. i couldn't agree more
i mean which older sis you know would make a set of love coupons for her kid sis as a bd gift, which includes doing something humiliating for her amongst chores and a manicure haha i esp love old chang kee as a choice, how adorably earnest and within budget.


typing this i can hear the house of horrors beside me with sibling taunting and screaming every other minute. i am ever so grateful to have these wonderful teens who want nothing but to do well and take care of each other, without a single input from me =]

just for that we are soo bringing them to hokkaido or melbourne after duckie's o levels and jil's sec 2 streaming next year! or london, or korea. the possibilities are endless.

a checklist on why she's the one

1. she sweeps 6 years of accumulated dustbunnies under the kids' beds
2. she holds you through the middle of the night while you sob from unresolved issues induced by too much moscato the evening before
3. she cuts up all your papayas and dragonfruit in bitesize pieces coz you're too arsed to do it ever
4. she plants a million kisses on your pre-washed face in the morn haha
5. she never flirts and when flirted at shows zero interest
6. she sings her childhood songs in variants of tunes only because she knows it amuses you
7. she goes out on a limb to get the kids things only because she wants to buy them the things she never had as a child
8. she bakes you valrhona laced cranberry cookies 
9. repeat the above haha

is it silly that i still tear watching them like this?

 i guess it takes me back to a halcyon phase of their lives, despite post-divorce and having such major upheavals in their lives. i dare say they are the biggest inspiration in my life, their souls,their artless manner of taking things in their stride. thiswas an era where they were also filming a lot with jo's camera, something of a godsend which attests for the prolific tubes i have archived. i know these will stay online as long as there remains a youtube haha.

 gah im a sentimental fool. dont think its pms.maybe just projected stress from the students' coming exams. it's like a 2 year project culminating to its moment of reckoning. but yes i do miss the shrubs at this age. they're still amazing but i hope someday they'll look back on these vids n remember how much they were each others' sister and best friend.