re-writing the narrative

today at the gym while catching my breath by the window after a session of kickboxing, i notice a hummingbird going about its business so busily, you know how small these creatures are so its fascinating to actually catch one in action. it went about its days like the world didnt matter around it, just fixated on its task for whatever its instincts required. this to me is a sound lesson on mindfulness, such wonderful purpose in simplicity when humanity has complicated things too much and to mostly futile ends, i might add.

so after a week of solitude i've learned the best way to deal with setbacks:
first you shouldn't channel any universal explanations to why you're in a rut. it just is. no entity is playing you nor is this some part of a perverse divine plan. i strongly believe that somedays one's timing is just out of wack, and you may miss the bus by 10sec or you may get caught in a jam by deciding to detour last minute, or maybe you reach a place only to have the lift repaired by a minute...these things happen, nothing is controlling the wheel of your er, fortune. so in an existential moment, the rest of your day may be determined by a whole chain of events possibly linked in a xeno's paradox sort of way where you have no real control of except to let each moment unravel. it sounds a little convoluted but that best explains things in reason rather than spiritual or emotional responses.

and once you're riding the predicament, don't fret or let your mind become fuzzy. nor succumb to a self-imposed state of existential crisis, but keep a presence of mind and talk yourself through the measures of rectification. the latest the episode of recovering items in my stolen wallet is like a quest no different from an online game. one at a time, no haste, just within a pace you can manage, as a choice, not a compulsion. that way you don't get all flustered by the rest of humanity but simply write your own narrative and not let others control it for you.

in all things take solace that you still give a toss. most people would blame, run or essentially try to find a reason for everything, or convince themselves a higher order is persecuting them or teaching them. most likely i believe it is just our own soul or conscience if you like which teaches us. it is an untapped source of wisdom which grounds us to sense and calm. we ought to tune in more often and perhaps gain some form of control to avert bad choices.

so i have learned much more about my own strengths than i possibly thought i could. every little roadblock is not perceived as one but like a game, an opportunity to rely on my inner wisdom to grow and become self-sufficient as a result. it's funny how when giving my police statement, i was asked at least 3 times who i lived with and by the third reply that i lived alone, i heard my soul say, you go girl, you have become such an impermeably independent soul that there is absolutely nothing you can't do on your own, and still lend your strength to others.i've never been a cry baby even from young and i remember the absolute joy procuring my first racer bike and tearing down the island from east to west even at 15yo because the freedom and autonomy of not relying on anyone to get me places was indescribable.

 i had written my own narrative up till my 44th bd and will go on to do same until my last breath, which i know will also be a chapter i will complete on my own, on my own terms.

afterthought: this may also explain why in my entire dating history it has been my independent and confident (resilient even) spirit which had drawn them. even if they want to take care of me, they know they don't need to.  some fell away as a result of this because they felt redundant. perhaps that is the reason why i am most at peace when alone, because i need not explain this to anyone, that i love who i am and what i have made myself to be.

june hols are upon us.

So i don't completely waste away, here's a to-do list:

1. get tooth extraction sorted out 
2. have a kickass vacay in taichung 
3. read AMS 
4. seek alternative vehicle options
5. spend quality time w kids when they arent in school 
6. get wedding items like decor, dress for her n band also for her 
7. go on beach walks w pooch coz she is getting neurotic

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vividly i dreamt i was driving a convertible with a ciggy on my right and lexi riding shotgun. we were heading nowhere, just endless open roads. that is a perfect world, perhaps symbolic of my last journey into truth and light. if only i had a look at the number plate...

i've lost so much this month. my front tooth, my wallet, my faith in anything good in humanity. i think 44 has a lot more riding in its portent. 

life drops a shitload on your head and i say bring it, make it a boulder this time.

the distance is insurmountable. maybe like everything false in life we beguile ourselves with manufactured forms of happiness. all i want is to bottle that artless laughter of the children when they still were. that perhaps is the closest thing to unadulterated bliss.

meanderings on a late evening

hot dress.nipple tape.damn good visual.nuff said

i think i should die on a plain of mochi and fenyuan

there are days i wish i could literally sprout wings or gills. either way it'd be trippy in more ways than one

i have not been drinking. my baileys has been frozen since last june. it's not the same when you're drinking out of fatigue

i hope that the kids won't end up in toxic relationships and if they do they will climb out of them with dignity and grace

sometimes i wish i had smaller boobs so i could fit better in sports bras and tees. if anything boob fat is very unpleasant when trying to do certain yoga poses

 i turn 44 in a month. in means nothing other than a year close to paradise

yst i looked at my students and felt a mix of jaded and pity. i don't see them going very far with such internally defeatous attitudes and yet i know this country is not for failure. do i care?not entirely because they will have to exact the change they want to be.

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the camera adds pounds haha well that and food adds pounds too.ok diet i shall abd will lose the pong and nua by year end

a love letter to my babies before my 44th (just in case, it's not an auspicious number haha)

 

dearest jo
when you came into my life 16 years ago i knew i had found my purpose after 28 years of wandering. i felt whole and right with myself. everyday i looked forward to seeimg your lovely mug. your impish smile. you were the centre of my universe.  i treasured seeing things through your eyes, your inventive spirit, your cheeky expressions whenever you discovered new experiences. i recall the day you took more than a sip from my iced latte, half of it endimg on your tanktop while you cupped it furtively in your chubby hands. that distinctive grin. your eyes crinkled to two little crests. i wanted us to be like this forever. you had so much pluck in your little form since the incubator. i knew you were an awesome little soul. i watched you transform from day to day. from strength to strength. always curious. always a surprise at every turn. my heart swelled so much it hurt. you lived through so many challenges physically, expressed so quietly your every moment of learning. i will never trade those years for anything in the world. and now you remain that amazing soul. but with such wisdom and sublime confidence i still feel my heart swell. you dont know this because we have drifted since you moved out. but timelessly, i see my little duckie in there. that same smile. that staggering perceptiveness. that sweet loving heart which never fails to move me when you show such deep consideration for others. you are my proudest work yet.

dearest jill 

you were from the start a ray of light, timely at a crossroad of my youth. at 30, i was ready for change. a new found confidence which at points were twinged with doubt. but your presence was both illuminating and provided much amusement to a phase of private pain. with you in our lives, it added new purpose and dynamics. you complemented your sis while you were astoundingly unique. and through you i watched jo take on a whole new facet of attributes, sometimes naggy and pedantic but mostly endearing. together i felt our dynamics grow and become something significant in the next decade of my life. both of you grounded me in a volatile decade of flux of painful choices but ultimately necessary. through that you struggled privately to grapple with the difficult years. but still you coped alone, sometimes with jo. and in all that you were troopers. you always were a trooper. your tears few while you always remained unhinged. you were the best and worst part of my heartbreaks but always the lovely sister.clown.comedian.flower.

we are defined by our spaces

in the swelter of morning assembly, a colleague and i were discussing how the 35 degree heat last night left a lot to be desired, mostly sleep and comfort. he lamented how his air-con has overloaded and being on a low floor, no breeze flowed through his apartment. this led to a full on rant about living here with inflation and unmatched salaries which made us live hand to mouth in some cases. well maybe more paycheck to paycheck but you get the idea.

i don't know why our generation remains here other than for our families or loved ones. maybe it's the insufferably unimaginative way our living spaces are constructed. they look drab and in that confined constructs add to a sense of downtrodden malaise.

take my workspace for example. i surround myself with wonderful momentos and wire in to music only to block out the fact that its toilet-like structure only adds to its alienating maze.

there are work places like this one in Birmingham which is welcoming to the senses unlike the polyclinic looking campus of ajc


i recall running to the beach at least once a week after work to regroup and it helped regain semblance of sanity.but the trouble is it's insane to even step out to the beach these days at the risk of a heatstroke
so even if i had some pretentious beachfront abode at sentosa cove it'd hardly be this tranquil and soothing


so what's a 40smth to do at the crossroads of her life?
If i stayed on it'll only be till the kids are done with uni and on their way to work. then what? why maintain an unbearably banal life here defined by our spaces, which we all know in this country is either a cubicle or shoebox apartment or both? how is that even quality of life?

and who's to say i can't be living one year to the next in a different country? why the need to confine ourselves to one space? one job which you'll do for the rest of your life?
all these proverbial questions can only mean my soul is just waiting for an expedient moment to burst out and free itself. and i know it's not too far in the distant future. it's only a matter of time, and timing.



and for now i am content with virtual spaces hahah! one million mark and now i'm ready to let go and guess what? no fanfare or special rewards despite crossing 1mil. this game really blows no wonder it's closing down

 r.i.p simscity june 2012-jun2 2013 =,[

of baked goods and poolside parties.

I watched a comedy recently which likened one's firstborn to that first batch of cookies. some are mishapened while others are half-baked. but you reassure yourself that the next batch will be better. I was mostly amused by how aptly that analogy related to the shrubs. with duckie, there was much new terrortory to cover haha yes typo intended. everything operated on trial and error, mostly error. but i emerged from the first 18 months surer and ready for version 2.0 so by the time bunny arrived, i was ready to face the daily challenges from colic to tantrums to that mysterious rash, sans the sibling skirmishes which were in a dimension of independent mystery.

so cut 15 odd years later and my role as mom has significantly evolved, almost insidiously. one moment I'm their nanny, cook and playmate, the next i'm chauffer cum advice column sometimes with entertainment thrown in. it's not so bad really. just took me awhile to adapt. here are two very serious individuals ready to face their personal new frontiers. the first time i noticed this evolution was when i sent my then 11y.o an excited MMS about her poolside bd party in the midst of her psle preps, and she deadpans, tell me again after my exams. snappp.

so well, like another batch of cookies, the shrubs are now at the threshold of pre-adulthood and the ingredients remain but the recipe has been tweaked for quantity of time and attention i need to give them. thankfully they are almost self-sufficient and all i need to do these days is to check in occasionally to see how they are shaping up quite nicely as fine young women. And I can almost say with pride and a dash of relief that my kitchen is almost closed.

   

whatever will be

This month has been rather uneventful save for being a season of broken. haha it's less tragic than it sounds other than a broken tooth, a broken door handle after a punctured tyre.
So most people would sigh and resign themselves to the mild inconvenience but i initially factored in the exorbitant costs of the abovementioned situations. yes, it's not really a crisis unless you work yourself up to think it is.

And given the upcoming expenses of vacations and wedding it would seem like a bugbear to say the least. but i've decided a lot of how we deal with these hiccups has to do with how we perceive them. because much as we fret over them, nothing will change the outcome. we shouldn't give our joy away to any of it.

I was raised to believe that everything happens for a reason. Unfortunately it was also in an environment of guilt and regret. Or worse, the misguided notion of retribution which i believe was a construct of very unhappy people. So it took me years of self-reprogramming to see, and believe, that this is certainly a fallacy. Much of what we do is often a result of choice. And it is the consequences of these choices which bring the next round situation. For example, by not taking better care of my teeth, by dodging that one appointment of a follow-up root-canal which at the time i rationalised was pointless and costly for something so painful has resulted in a larger issue of fracture and reconstruction. If taking better care when making turns, a tyre would not pop. If maintaining the external care of a car, the handle falls off. It's as easy as that. And getting upset is merely unproductive and energy-sapping.

Instead, I have learned to accept these consequences and with some comforting strength and supplication for help from the man upstairs, it makes everything a little more bearable and in time, surmountable. That is the sum total of my faith in God and I can't explain it in any other way. It has served as personal solace and pieced so many fragments of my life to who i've become.

It saddens me when no one grasps this nor try to accept that i can't have my faith live out in any sort of dramatic or life-changing fashion because these moments are in their miraculous nature meant to manisfest in spurts -- like a child at near-death, a close shave with calamity, an amazing outcome of unfathomable favour. We don't need to have this everyday because that to me is beauty. it is there but not overtly displayed or expected.

Perhaps some day we can all just smile in each other's way of grasping the higher order of things rather than to impose or expect more. it just is. let them be.