the misery of gay women

I mean no malice to anyone but i think in the realm of human relationships, gay women rank the lowest in their ability to handle it. first the dynamics of two emotional women already sets the premise for volatility an pettiness. then when they break up they will spiral into a ridiculous cycle of push and pull, letting go, getting back to ad nauseam until a year may pass and they're still angsting about their ex-es.

this is where i think they could really take a book from straight men and women. firstly, they need to work on the coping stages of grief more logically. the first no-no is to settle down with the first thing that moves or shows a hint of attraction. that is the common error of many lessies. they saddle up with the first kind soul and start a whole cycle of pain for both parties.

can i just advise these women a list of the most constructive measures:

1. go get a facial  cleanse your pores and your aura
2. get a gorgeous new item of clothing, whatever strikes your fancy. i myself am a rabid advocate of shoes
3. get laid, without strings. this could be tricky given women always have strings, so do consider batting for the other team
4. have your sweet revenge moment. this could be destroying all items related to your ex or having that one entrance before her which says, sorry this ship has sailed (and make sure you're looking fabulous)
5. get laid some more
6. if you must drink, choose something with fewer carbs
7. do yoga, stretch your tired limbs and imagination
8. take long quiet walks with an assorted pet. animals are lovely therapeutic company (save gerbils which are just demonic)
9. treat yourself a lovely meal with friends every other week. your true friends will provide bitch-support, straight or bent
10. re-invent your life, break the toxic cycles by avoiding any bad habits you shared with her

Most importantly give yourself ample time to heal. it may take awhile for some. but never rush the process because you will find yourself right back where you started.

And when you finally get over her, tell yourself these simple words, 'she's dead to me, at least the version i loved and was loved by.'

So if anyone else need love advice from me, just cut and paste this template. 

Finally pour yourself a long drink, dance around and sing, i'm a survivor or any variants of that theme.

goodbye

you were my love, my heartache, my joy, my pain.
jul 2007 - jul 2010

it becomes more apparent to me each day how futile suffering is. i'm a misery-magnet for the down and out and i just want to tell all these sad sods to just end it if they think their lives are so unbearable. stop languishing and whinging.. it's just so unattractive.

i will leave fabulous.that much i'm sure.

strange night

so in attempt to cheer the morose kat up after receiving really depressing texts from her all friday, i decided to ask her out to a grrl-party i normally wouldn't endorse.but i guess she really needed to get out to help her out of her funk.anyway when we got there it was the usual trolls and cliches and we decided to only stay for a drink or two.i told her coming to these things would help renew her self-esteem when looking at these sad sods would make her feel better about herself. we had a blast laughing at these wanna-bes and it only confirmed what a pathetic community we have.she told me to join her at hk or taiwan where she claims the girls are way hotter and friendlier.

anyway, before we entered i bumped into her and was really surprised she'd go to these things, seeing how she wasn't a fan of it when were together.i guess her new self has indeed degenerated into common behaviour and sadly, as kat pointed out, she looks nothing like her former self, i believe she said in chinese, bear-like hahahah and added, omg viv, this confirms that she doesn't deserve you. as for me i hardly noticed her because besides having let herself go, i felt strangley indifferent.i would usually be warm to people i haven't seen in awhile, but she really didn't have any effect on me. i could only attempt a cordial PR type response to her not because i willed it but i just didn't feel it was worth the energy or time to catch up. besides i was there to be kat's wingman so the last thing i wanted was to chat, esp this being a noisy club.

i guess it's ironic that yst was more or less exactly a year since we broke up. i marvel at how far i've come in healing and change. i recall most of the early half of '11 feeling completely lost and confused, swinging in between grief and anger. and here i am, looking her in the eyes and thinking, who are you? i hardly recognised you. and truth be told if we had passed each other on the street i wouldn't even have noticed her. i guess she really is dead to me, not in any malice, but she has become one of these faceless peeps who bear no significance in your social circles. perhaps the impossibility of being  friends with your ex-s isn't a myth after all.

i'm just amazed by how a year can make such a difference. i told kat sometimes it's like jet-lag, you may need the same time you were together to get over someone but i think in my case they year spent mindfully working on focusing on other significant things, allowing myself to see the beauty of everything nature has to offer, embracing my suffering and transcending it have all added up to this one moment of inner peace. i can almost clearly and absolutely say that i have certainly moved on. and it is a feeling of calm and liberation.

---
Isn't it puzzling how

strangers become lovers

and then strangers again?

Isn't it bizarre how

you share a bed one day

and oblivion another?

Isn't it baffling how

people can wear the iron mask

of perfect pretense?

Humanity

intrigues

terrifies

fascinates.

weird day

spent the evening w kat who needed company to cope with her recent loss and betrayal issues. wow it was like re-living my  nightmare from another side coz i knew exactly what she was going thru. i guess it must be destined that i should be an expert in hearbreaks. so we hung around town, drinking, shopping and having dinner, all the while putting up with her occasional outbursts of anger and hurt. all i could do was listen with the assorted advice in between.

i guess what hit me most which i also told her was the pattern of unreasonable behaviour peeps that age would display.they push and pull and can't seem to get over their decisions. they want to leave you for what they think is a better life with others and yet they want to keep you on a string. it's a sick game which i told her she should cold-turkey in contact from. as i have. in fact i've been very resolute about keeping to my decision never to talk, see or even text her where possible. 2012 is about a fresh clean slate and treating myself and my loved ones with due attention and devotion. that's all there is to it.

and i told her to repeat this mantra everytime she weakens, 'she's dead to me.'

clarity

last night i had one of those epiphanic dreams where as i've been following the silva method, you can tune in and find your answers to. it was clear as day.
i know who she really is now and it's futile to even keep in touch. she will eventually fade to the point of irrelevance much like my other r/s.the days will pass and she'll be dead to me. and that is how it is.she was once that pure soul whom i could relate to, but she has degenerated into another faceless insignificant part of humanity because she has allowed herself to become common.all the admiration and fondness are gone simply because it was directed at who she used to be.
and now i know what needs to be done.closure.absolutely.

+/-

it's been the absolutely fabulousest way to end what was a horrendous year of crap all around. japan being the highlight and too many moments with the shrubs to recount. it was definitely a much needed respite plus reflection on how and who i've become. 2011 has been a year of deep awareness of my strengths and limitations.

strengths: as a mom, care-giver and friend. as a teacher,mentor and role-model. as a person i was especially impressed by my resilience to suffering and ability to take on more unchartered territory both geographically and emotionally

limits: i can't always rely on my physique to take me through plausible pain, or even irrepairable maladies. i also fail terribly at moving on from a failed r/s. perhaps it was my pride more than sentiment which hindered my progress but ultimately acknowledging that flaw is helping me take babysteps with it. i hate to lose.i hate to fail. that will always be my achiles heel.

high points: making amends with family, learning to express myself better with my folks, seeing the joy in jo and jill's eyes on mount fuji, hakone and having simple bento meals at the end of the day stretched on our hotel beds, refreshing my rusty japanese on hapless strangers haha and well, just being able to see what's really out there from our daily banal routines.

low points: nearly killing myself over a futile r/s of abuse. i now realise how we had abused each other, me emotionally and she by her disregard for what i had sacrificed to keep us going. she will never get it from my viewpoint and i can never make her understand. until she meets someone half her age and ends up being the giver all the time, she will never grasp how how it was from my end, with kids in tow. but rather than beat myself up over it, i had to also let go. i guess in all honesty i stopped loving the new version of her. i wanted to preserve that artless 17-19 yo till eternity,but then that in itself is sociopathic..ah r/s are really the curse of the gods. we should only breed children then die.

it was a year of absurdity and sublimity.tg it's also going to be my last.