today crawling at 60 at adam road for fear of a summons, i lit a ciggy to while the boredom. at the corner of my eye i spotted a white bike and quite instinctively pulled my hanging hand in just as he passed me too slowly. i was thinking jialat kena already then he drove off.
i uttered a prayer of thanks and mused this is how he's got my back. after that upsetting bill on the car servicing i didn't need a bummer. i guess it's good to give thanks for the little things. this extends to the peeps in your life, the simple pleasures, fresh air, the ability to be mobile and scale an obstacle, the use of legs, the taste of good food.
these things we take for granted when shrouded by other things which don't warrant so much care, the small stuff, the annoying little setbacks. i am learning to take it all in and see the forest for the trees. it's a whole list of cliches but they make sense. the rest of my life will need to be like this. i will focus on my joy and not give it away to the broken world. i will look forward to that beautiful moment when everything converges into a perfect light. in the meantime, i will run and not be weary because every thing in life is meant to be lived wholly. nothing and no one should stand in the way of that joy. ever.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
let the river run.
so things have more or less simmered to a state of general blah. i suppose if you can't fix it then let it fix itself.
after a week of wallowing in some despondent funk i realise it isn't worth the emotional energy to drag the rest of the people around you, including family and colleagues. yes i realise since i turned 40 i've confided less in friends. this must be me in new states of shruggish resignation that problems no longer need slugging out but letting them dissolve into obscurity.
anyway everyone at work has been rallying around my setback, from the principal to soks to ocm to the ones around me. i've been getting nice baked goods and chox and treats which i really feel are unwarranted. but well, divine forces are keeping me from throwing in the towel. besides how it must look if i quit now. it's like i can't handle the very adversity i teach my kids and students to. it's hypocritical to say the least
on a lighter note, it's our anniversary this week. yes that one fumbling proposal which is best summed up here haha. sometimes i think she takes better care of the kids, or at least her efforts are shaming. case in the point, i'd just throw somethings together from the fridge but she'd spend the day prepping their dinner
i muse at why i'm a mom. other than the minister of finance and recreation, i can't really see how else my role extends. so i suppose divine providence is much evidenced when a partner is sent to you to balance out the shortcomings. i do appreciate everything that you are, baby!
and baby's anniv gift, which at this rate of one per year i'd have a lifetime collection for my onitsuka museum! <33333333
and my super clean peds thanx to baby's tatitai treat today. i think this is the cleanest since birth hahah
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
what they call that little nagging voice? heed it.
yesterday it called again.
it's been a rough week, a long day, mentally draining. you need a physical release, a brisk run, a good box at the punchbag,
viv, go home. you're spent. you've not much energy all around to engage with anyone. maybe just mindless gaming, a spot of telly.
oh no. you muster what's left in peak hour humidity because you want to rekindle, renew, reconnect.
4 hrs 5 litres of petrol, 36 dollars and an unwarranted row later, you want to plunge objects into your tired eyes so they reach the recesses of your throbbing migraine and permanently erase the entire unnecessary evening.
go home. hug your dog. enjoy the silence. that voice. heed it. always.
it's been a rough week, a long day, mentally draining. you need a physical release, a brisk run, a good box at the punchbag,
viv, go home. you're spent. you've not much energy all around to engage with anyone. maybe just mindless gaming, a spot of telly.
oh no. you muster what's left in peak hour humidity because you want to rekindle, renew, reconnect.
4 hrs 5 litres of petrol, 36 dollars and an unwarranted row later, you want to plunge objects into your tired eyes so they reach the recesses of your throbbing migraine and permanently erase the entire unnecessary evening.
go home. hug your dog. enjoy the silence. that voice. heed it. always.
Monday, March 4, 2013
judgement day
every two years i face up to what seems more like my own exam results. i personally (excessively) invest my professional and emotional input into my students' grades not because they are a reflection of my competence, well maybe just a little, but honestly, i just hate to see them do badly because it really destroys their faith in themselves and the platitudes of encouragement and trust i place in everyone of them for two years. it's like a final crushing blow which undermines every single word and deed from day one.
i know in a couple of weeks or months even, i will look back and chide myself for feeling this way. but for now that unpleasant dull feeling resides in my heart and mind. i feel trapped in a helpless moment where i want to help them feel better but i can't even help myself.
guilt is a terrible thing, coupled with righteous anger against the injustice of the fucking one-exam system is enough to make me want to jump off a building or burn it down. i don't know which. i feel ridiculously torn and yet my hands are tied. i sat at my desk after giving out the results and just sobbed into my jacket to mute the sounds. i spent the entire day dodging the shock while trying to keep business at usual in class and later when facing my students at results release time. it was a difficult facade which i suppose culminated to that break down, triggered by students coming up to assure me with hugs and painfully masked expressions of resignation. and then one of my students wrote me this card attached to a chox and i just lost it:
anyway despite all the comforting pats from colleagues and ex-students alike, and the rock the wifey has been, i am scarred. a part of my idealism has died and when i go to class with a strange alter ego of enthusiasm and apparent engagement, deep inside i feel hollow and dishonest. i dispense knowledge as much as (false) hope and i wonder if this will pan out right.
perhaps it is a sign. i need to make a real change and work on something less painful and devastating all around for both students and self. i don't need another round of this in two years because that would mean i will throw in the chips completely. i need to devote myself to a job which makes more sense, bodes less potential setbacks, where my actions would directly control the outcome...
on a brighter note, a handful of my form class hit the jackpot and i was really happy for them. two of them genuinely deserved the straight As though ironically it is this very monster of a system which gives and takes away equally.
then there are sweeties who truly make your day:
(and as a sad attempt at payback i've reset my school lappy password to 'fuckcambridge69')
i know in a couple of weeks or months even, i will look back and chide myself for feeling this way. but for now that unpleasant dull feeling resides in my heart and mind. i feel trapped in a helpless moment where i want to help them feel better but i can't even help myself.
guilt is a terrible thing, coupled with righteous anger against the injustice of the fucking one-exam system is enough to make me want to jump off a building or burn it down. i don't know which. i feel ridiculously torn and yet my hands are tied. i sat at my desk after giving out the results and just sobbed into my jacket to mute the sounds. i spent the entire day dodging the shock while trying to keep business at usual in class and later when facing my students at results release time. it was a difficult facade which i suppose culminated to that break down, triggered by students coming up to assure me with hugs and painfully masked expressions of resignation. and then one of my students wrote me this card attached to a chox and i just lost it:
anyway despite all the comforting pats from colleagues and ex-students alike, and the rock the wifey has been, i am scarred. a part of my idealism has died and when i go to class with a strange alter ego of enthusiasm and apparent engagement, deep inside i feel hollow and dishonest. i dispense knowledge as much as (false) hope and i wonder if this will pan out right.
perhaps it is a sign. i need to make a real change and work on something less painful and devastating all around for both students and self. i don't need another round of this in two years because that would mean i will throw in the chips completely. i need to devote myself to a job which makes more sense, bodes less potential setbacks, where my actions would directly control the outcome...
on a brighter note, a handful of my form class hit the jackpot and i was really happy for them. two of them genuinely deserved the straight As though ironically it is this very monster of a system which gives and takes away equally.
then there are sweeties who truly make your day:
(and as a sad attempt at payback i've reset my school lappy password to 'fuckcambridge69')
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
wherever the wind blows doesn't really matter to me
so i've resolved that by 2016 i will definitely be doing something else but my present circumstances. jo will be 19 heading to uni, jil at the cusp of jc. who needs supervision at that age? not them for sure. in any case their other parents could easily handle that part of their lives.
at work i will have done 10 years at this jc. i'm really facing a certain ennui and uninspired mundane routines.
my form class is almost perfect in conduct and values. everyone talks about family and its importance. they have droll interests ranging from cosplay to akido, assorted neuroses like 'demophobia' (dear of large crowds) to ocd with annoying noises (he talked about chewing and scratchy things which can send him off the handle). interesting. yet banal. i can't quite put a finger on. they are mostly polite and rather earnest lot, willing to help, eager to learn. i'm not even complaining here. it's just that something in me feels numb to all this.
perhaps it's linked to my evolving role as mother, too. i suddenly feel unhinged by what i thought was a clear and present situation. i'm merely a wallet or driver, which isn't any different from before, except i feel like they are strangers to me. i'm sure it's a phase but for now it makes me feel a little less excited about family time to be honest. we sit beside each other and really have nothing to say, even with our bodies, our shared humour, our observations about life, our common philosophies. i feel disenfranchised. fancy word. couldn't think of anything more succinct.
then i remember how i felt centered very much in 2011. i achieved a certain harmonious calm just from denying myself of any wants or needs. it helped me not feel restless. i could just focus on the end-light of my days and feel somewhat comforted by its finality and certainty. so absolute and sure. unlike my self-doubt looming these days. not all the time, but that intermittent shroud of why and what i am doing.
ok. faith is about relenting logic, suspending sense. i know that's the best i can do given the present circumstances. i float in meaningless ennui only because everything lacks purpose. i have a future of good things with the wifey and we can plan around so many things to keep the focus forward. till then it's really just that abstract solution of wait. i can do that. i can also detach rather well from the here and now. and that's all i have to go with until whenever.
at work i will have done 10 years at this jc. i'm really facing a certain ennui and uninspired mundane routines.
my form class is almost perfect in conduct and values. everyone talks about family and its importance. they have droll interests ranging from cosplay to akido, assorted neuroses like 'demophobia' (dear of large crowds) to ocd with annoying noises (he talked about chewing and scratchy things which can send him off the handle). interesting. yet banal. i can't quite put a finger on. they are mostly polite and rather earnest lot, willing to help, eager to learn. i'm not even complaining here. it's just that something in me feels numb to all this.
perhaps it's linked to my evolving role as mother, too. i suddenly feel unhinged by what i thought was a clear and present situation. i'm merely a wallet or driver, which isn't any different from before, except i feel like they are strangers to me. i'm sure it's a phase but for now it makes me feel a little less excited about family time to be honest. we sit beside each other and really have nothing to say, even with our bodies, our shared humour, our observations about life, our common philosophies. i feel disenfranchised. fancy word. couldn't think of anything more succinct.
then i remember how i felt centered very much in 2011. i achieved a certain harmonious calm just from denying myself of any wants or needs. it helped me not feel restless. i could just focus on the end-light of my days and feel somewhat comforted by its finality and certainty. so absolute and sure. unlike my self-doubt looming these days. not all the time, but that intermittent shroud of why and what i am doing.
ok. faith is about relenting logic, suspending sense. i know that's the best i can do given the present circumstances. i float in meaningless ennui only because everything lacks purpose. i have a future of good things with the wifey and we can plan around so many things to keep the focus forward. till then it's really just that abstract solution of wait. i can do that. i can also detach rather well from the here and now. and that's all i have to go with until whenever.
Monday, February 25, 2013
'If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.' -- Wayne Dyer
so my school principal informed us that a huge number of students have opted for poly, leaving a class with only 12 kids so he decided to 'close' the class and distribute them to other arts classes.
this only means two things to my self-interest:
1. my lit students have plunged
2. form class may expand from it's already full 24
sigh. and 3. i may inevitably teach GP due to shortfall of Lit kids...
ok. so what has this to do with the above title?
well, it made me really think about what's keeping me here then
besides the wonderful colleagues and decent hours and proximity to home, the job after nearly 7 years has lost it's appeal. i used to bounce off to work with a certain spring to my step, looking forward to a mentally challenging day, feeling inspired to inspire.
these days it's really routine and awaiting pay-day and planning around the term how to get away, to reward myself with whatever windfall surprises me, and mostly counting down to vacation days, public holiday hiatus. it's a meaningless existence, with the occasional perk of good class time, amusing (mildly) anecdote from a workmate, a good bowl of lor mee, an acknowledgement of approval, a baked good treat from a neighbour. then the rest of the day it's time-killing, pretend work, real admin nuisance, clock-watching, daydreaming.
i'm about 15years to real retirement and it seems endless. perhaps that change is at hand. that real huge significant shift which will see me in another land, a novel experience, a new day.
a Hokkaido sunrise
could be worse
this only means two things to my self-interest:
1. my lit students have plunged
2. form class may expand from it's already full 24
sigh. and 3. i may inevitably teach GP due to shortfall of Lit kids...
ok. so what has this to do with the above title?
well, it made me really think about what's keeping me here then
besides the wonderful colleagues and decent hours and proximity to home, the job after nearly 7 years has lost it's appeal. i used to bounce off to work with a certain spring to my step, looking forward to a mentally challenging day, feeling inspired to inspire.
these days it's really routine and awaiting pay-day and planning around the term how to get away, to reward myself with whatever windfall surprises me, and mostly counting down to vacation days, public holiday hiatus. it's a meaningless existence, with the occasional perk of good class time, amusing (mildly) anecdote from a workmate, a good bowl of lor mee, an acknowledgement of approval, a baked good treat from a neighbour. then the rest of the day it's time-killing, pretend work, real admin nuisance, clock-watching, daydreaming.
i'm about 15years to real retirement and it seems endless. perhaps that change is at hand. that real huge significant shift which will see me in another land, a novel experience, a new day.
a Hokkaido sunrise
could be worse
Thursday, February 21, 2013
turning point
these days i awake and find myself not missing the kids. there i said it.
i miss who they used to be, their artlessness. that genuine appreciation for life.
i suppose it comes with the territory of growing up.
i'm sure somewhere in the core of their souls they are very much the angel grubs i cherished more than life itself. it's a phase perhaps. but i feel estranged to who they are right now, as they grapple with their own assorted concerns and identities.
make no mistake. the maternal love remains. it's impossible to divorce your kids. so like a bout of viral flu i will sit this one through. leaving it to a divine will to bring them back to who they've always been while their externalities distract and distress.
when i spend time with my own form class consisting of 17 girls and 7 boys, i'm reminded once again what this age is like. they will rebel, they will break your heart, they will make all the mistakes you made as a kid. they will come back to themselves, and god willing, you.
i miss who they used to be, their artlessness. that genuine appreciation for life.
i suppose it comes with the territory of growing up.
i'm sure somewhere in the core of their souls they are very much the angel grubs i cherished more than life itself. it's a phase perhaps. but i feel estranged to who they are right now, as they grapple with their own assorted concerns and identities.
make no mistake. the maternal love remains. it's impossible to divorce your kids. so like a bout of viral flu i will sit this one through. leaving it to a divine will to bring them back to who they've always been while their externalities distract and distress.
when i spend time with my own form class consisting of 17 girls and 7 boys, i'm reminded once again what this age is like. they will rebel, they will break your heart, they will make all the mistakes you made as a kid. they will come back to themselves, and god willing, you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)